Do you worry too much about your relationship? While it’s normal to have some concerns or doubts over the course of a relationship, if you find yourself constantly plagued with worries you might have relationship OCD (or ROCD).
Key Points:
- ROCD causes repeated doubts and worries about your romantic relationship
- It’s a type of OCD that can make you question your partner or your own feelings
- Help is available through therapy and other treatments to manage ROCD symptoms
Relationship OCD (ROCD) involves constant unwanted thoughts and actions about romantic relationships. This mental health issue can make you doubt your partner or your feelings. It’s part of a bigger problem called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Relationship OCD can affect anyone. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Instead, it’s a mental health challenge that requires help and support to overcome. With the right care, you can learn to manage these thoughts and have a better relationship.
What Is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder that focuses on romantic partnerships. It causes constant doubts and worries about your relationship.
What Does Relationship OCD Feel Like?
You may feel anxious and unsure about your relationship all the time. Your mind might be filled with “what if” questions. For example, you might think:
- “What if I’m not really in love?”
- “What if my partner isn’t ‘the one’?”
- “What if I’m settling?”
These thoughts can be very upsetting. You might spend hours trying to figure out answers. This can make you feel tired and stressed.
How Do People With OCD Act In Relationships?
Relationship OCD can show up differently for different people. Consider these examples of a typical experience with relationship OCD:
Relationship OCD Example 1:
Mark, a 35-year-old software engineer, has been dating his girlfriend, Emily, for two years. Mark is plagued by thoughts that Emily might not be ‘the one’ for him. He fixates on minor imperfections in their relationship, interpreting them as signs that the relationship is doomed.
As a result, Mark avoids situations that might deepen their commitment, such as discussing future plans or meeting each other’s families. He engages in mental review of their interactions, searching for evidence that supports his fears about the relationship and frequently reads articles and books about relationships, hoping to find definitive answers to his doubts.
Relationship OCD Example 2:
Rachel, a 29-year-old marketing professional, has been in a committed relationship with her fiancé, David, for four years. Rachel frequently experiences intrusive doubts about her love for David, questioning whether she truly loves him or if she’s making a mistake by committing to marriage. These thoughts are persistent and cause her significant anxiety.
To alleviate her anxiety, Rachel engages in various compulsive behaviors. She constantly seeks validation from friends and family about her relationship, asking if they believe David is the right partner for her. Rachel also spends considerable time comparing David to her previous partners and her friends’ partners, scrutinizing his qualities to determine if he measures up.
No matter how relationship OCD shows up for you, these actions and behaviors caused by ROCD can put a strain on your relationship. Your partner might feel confused or frustrated by your behavior or you might pull away or even break up because of your constant doubts.
Is Relationship OCD A Real Thing?
Yes, relationship OCD is a real condition. It’s a subtype of OCD that mental health experts recognize. ROCD can cause real distress and problems in your life.
It’s different from normal relationship doubts. With ROCD, the thoughts are intense and hard to control. They take up a lot of your time and energy.
Types of Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD (ROCD) can show up in a variety of ways, but it often focuses on either the relationship itself or your partner. These two main types can make you question and worry about different aspects of your love life.
Relationship-Centered Obsessive-Compulsive Symptom (ROCD Type I)
In this type of OCD, you might constantly worry about your relationship. You may ask yourself:
- “Is this the right relationship for me?”
- “Do I love my partner enough?”
- “Are we truly compatible?”
These thoughts can pop up even when things are going well. You might compare your relationship to others or to an ideal you have in mind. This can make you feel unsure and anxious about your connection.
You may also spend a lot of time trying to figure out your feelings. This can lead to checking behaviors, like asking friends for reassurance or looking for signs that you’re in the “right” relationship.
Partner-Focused Obsessive-Compulsive Symptom (ROCD Type II)
With partner-focused ROCD, you zero in on your partner’s traits or qualities. You might:
- Obsess over their looks, intelligence, or social skills
- Question if they’re the “perfect” match for you
- Worry about small flaws or habits they have
These thoughts can make you doubt your partner, even if you care for them deeply. You might find yourself constantly checking to see if your partner measures up to your expectations.
You may also compare your partner to others or to an ideal version in your head. This can lead to feelings of disappointment or anxiety, even when there’s no real problem in the relationship.
Symptoms Of Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD can cause many distressing symptoms that affect your daily life and relationships. These symptoms often involve doubt, intrusive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors.
Constantly Questioning The Relationship’s Validity
You may find yourself always doubting if you’re with “the one.” Questions like “Do I really love my partner?” or “Is this the right relationship for me?” pop up often. These thoughts can be hard to shake.
You might worry you’re not happy enough or that you’re settling. Even when things are going well, you can’t stop wondering if there’s someone better out there.
This constant questioning can make you feel anxious and unsure about your relationship. It’s tough to enjoy time with your partner when these doubts keep creeping in.
Seeking Reassurance
You might find yourself always asking your partner if they love you or if they’re happy. You may need constant proof that the relationship is okay.
This need for reassurance can extend to friends and family too. You might ask them often if they think your relationship is good or if your partner is right for you.
Even after getting reassurance, the relief is short-lived. Soon, you’re back to seeking more proof. This cycle can be exhausting for both you and your loved ones.
Comparing To Others
You might spend a lot of time comparing your relationship to others. This can happen with friends’ relationships, couples you see on social media, or even fictional couples in movies.
You may worry that other couples seem happier or more in love. You might think, “Why don’t we look as happy as them?” or “Their relationship seems perfect, what’s wrong with ours?”
This constant comparison can make you feel like your relationship doesn’t measure up. It’s hard to appreciate what you have when you’re always looking at others.
Obsessing Over Partner’s Flaws
You might find yourself fixating on your partner’s perceived flaws. Small things that didn’t bother you before now seem like big issues.
Maybe you can’t stop thinking about how your partner chews loudly or how they dress. These thoughts can take over, making it hard to focus on your partner’s good qualities.
You might worry these flaws mean you’re not compatible. This obsession can create distance in your relationship and make you both feel unhappy.
Compulsive Checking Behaviors
You might feel a strong need to check on your partner often. This could mean calling or texting them multiple times a day to see what they’re doing.
You may also check their social media accounts frequently. You might look for signs that they’re happy in the relationship or worry about who they’re talking to.
These checking behaviors can become time-consuming and cause stress for both you and your partner. They can also lead to trust issues in the relationship.
Avoiding Relationship Milestones
You might find yourself avoiding big steps in your relationship. Things like moving in together, getting engaged, or even saying “I love you” can feel scary.
You worry that taking these steps means you’re trapped. The thought of commitment brings up fears and doubts about the relationship.
This avoidance can slow down your relationship’s progress. Your partner might feel confused or hurt by your reluctance to move forward.
Intrusive Thoughts About Attraction
You may have unwanted thoughts about being attracted to others. These thoughts can pop up even when you don’t want them to.
You might worry about finding someone else attractive or fear your partner is attracted to others. These thoughts can make you feel guilty or unfaithful, even if you haven’t acted on them.
These intrusive thoughts can be very distressing. They can make you question your feelings for your partner and your commitment to the relationship.
Testing Feelings
You might find yourself constantly “testing” your feelings for your partner. Or perhaps you try to imagine your life without them or picture yourself with someone else.
You might analyze how you feel when your partner hugs you or says “I love you.” You’re always checking if your feelings are strong enough or “right.”
This constant testing can make it hard to just be in the moment with your partner. It can create a sense of distance and make you both feel unsure.
Sexual Difficulties
Relationship OCD can affect your sex life too. You might worry about your sexual performance or whether you’re sexually compatible with your partner.
You may have intrusive thoughts during intimate moments. These thoughts can make it hard to enjoy being close to your partner.
Some people with ROCD avoid sex altogether. The pressure to feel a certain way or perform can be too much, leading to a decrease in physical intimacy.
Hyperawareness Of Partner’s Actions
You might find yourself overly focused on everything your partner does. Small gestures or comments become big deals in your mind.
If your partner seems distracted, you might worry they’re losing interest. If they’re extra affectionate, you might question if it’s genuine.
This hyperawareness can make you feel on edge all the time. It’s hard to relax and enjoy your partner’s company when you’re always analyzing their behavior.
What Causes Relationship OCD?
The exact cause of relationship OCD isn’t fully known. But several factors may play a role in its development.
Many (but not all) people who experience relationship OCD have had other experiences with OCD in the past. Once you get into a relationship, your OCD obsessions and compulsions may start to focus on that partnership.
Your past experiences can also shape how you view relationships and impact your attachment style in relationships. If you’ve had difficult or traumatic relationships before, it might make you more prone to worry.
Low self-esteem can also contribute. When you don’t feel good about yourself, you might constantly doubt your partner’s feelings for you.
Perfectionism is another potential factor. If you always strive for the “perfect” relationship, you may be more likely to obsess over small flaws.
How To Cope With Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD can be tough, but there are ways to manage it. You can take steps to ease your worries and build a healthier bond with your partner.
Be Honest And Communicate
Talk to your partner about your feelings. Let them know what’s going on in your mind. Be open about your fears and doubts.
Don’t hide your relationship OCD symptoms. Your partner can’t help if they don’t know what’s wrong.
Try to explain your thoughts calmly. Use “I” statements to express yourself. For example, say “I feel worried when…” instead of blaming them.
Get Support And Help
You don’t have to face this alone. Reach out to others who can help you. Ask trusted friends or family for support. They can offer a listening ear when you need it.
You could also talk to a therapist who knows about OCD. They can teach you ways to cope with your thoughts and offer strategies to help break out of the cycle of obsession and compulsion.
Join a support group for people with OCD. Sharing with others who understand can make you feel better.
Encourage Your Partner To Be More Involved
Your partner can play a big role in your recovery. Ask them to learn about relationship OCD.
Invite them to join you in therapy sessions sometimes. This can help them understand what you’re going through and can help them better understand that your concerns are really not about them.
Don’t Compare
Avoid comparing your relationship to others. Every couple is different. Focus on what makes your relationship special. Think about the good times you’ve shared.
Stop looking at social media for the “perfect” relationship. Those posts often don’t show the whole truth. Remember that no relationship is perfect. All couples have ups and downs.
Keep a Journal
Try journaling and use that practice to write down the things you love about your partner. List the reasons you chose to be with your partner and describe positive moments in your relationship. Look at this list when doubts creep in.
Write down your OCD thoughts too. This can help you spot patterns and work to fight back against them. Simply trying to avoid the thoughts or push them away often does more harm than good.
Practice Mindfulness
Learn to be present in the moment. This can help quiet your racing thoughts.
Try deep breathing exercises when you feel anxious. Count your breaths to focus your mind. Use guided meditations to relax. There are many free apps that can help you get started. Notice your thoughts without judging them. Let them pass like clouds in the sky.
Accept Your Feelings
Recognize that your doubts are part of OCD, not your true feelings. They don’t define your relationship.
Accept that some uncertainty is normal in love. You don’t need to be 100% sure all the time. Challenge your negative thoughts. Ask yourself if they’re based on facts or fear.
Focus on actions that bring you closer to your partner. Small acts of kindness can boost your happiness.
Treatment For Relationship OCD
While the tips above can go a long way toward helping you overcome relationship OCD, the best way to deal with this problem is getting professional help.
There are a few main ways to treat relationship OCD that work well for many people.
Individual Therapy
You can work one-on-one with a therapist to tackle relationship OCD. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a popular approach to individual therapy that can help you spot obsessive thoughts and change them.
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) is another key part of overcoming relationship OCD. Your therapist will guide you to face your fears bit by bit. You’ll learn to sit with worry without doing compulsions.
Couples Therapy
Sometimes, it helps to bring your partner into therapy too. A couples therapist can help you both understand relationship OCD better.
In couples therapy, you can learn how to talk about OCD’s impact on your relationship. Your partner can find out how to support you without feeding into OCD. Together, you can work on building trust and closeness. This can help ease OCD’s grip on your bond.
Medication
Mental health medications can also play a role in treating relationship OCD. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are often used. These medications can help lower anxiety and obsessive thoughts. They work well with therapy to give you more relief.
Remember, what works best to heal from relationship OCD can be different for each person. A mix of these treatments often helps the most, but working with a therapist can help determine the right combination of strategies that will help you feel more confident in your relationships.
Tips For Partners Dealing With Relationship OCD
When your partner has relationship OCD, it can be challenging for both of you. Here are some tips to help you support your loved one:
- Be patient and understanding. Remember that your partner’s doubts and fears are part of their condition, not a reflection of their feelings for you.
- Educate yourself about OCD. Learning more about the disorder can help you better understand what your partner is going through.
- Don’t enable compulsions. Avoid reassuring your partner excessively or participating in their rituals, as this can reinforce OCD behaviors.
- Practice open communication. Talk honestly about how OCD affects your relationship, but set boundaries to avoid letting it dominate all conversations.
- Take care of yourself too. It’s important to maintain your own mental health and well-being.
- Celebrate progress. Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts your partner makes in managing their symptoms.
Other Common OCD Sub-Types
While relationship OCD is one type of obsessive-compulsive disorder, there are several other common sub-types you might experience that can impact your relationship.
Harm OCD: This involves unwanted thoughts about hurting yourself or others. These thoughts are very upsetting and don’t reflect your true desires.
Religious or Moral OCD: This type centers on worries about sin, blasphemy, or being a bad person. You might pray excessively or seek constant reassurance about your actions.
Sexual Orientation OCD: Individuals with SO-OCD experience intrusive thoughts and doubts about their sexual orientation, which can cause significant distress and impact their relationships. They may constantly question their attraction to others, leading to compulsive behaviors aimed at seeking certainty.
Get Help with Relationship OCD
Remember, having doubts and constant worries about your relationship doesn’t make you a bad person. It also doesn’t mean that you’re not with the right partner.
OCD is a mental health condition that can be treated. If you’re struggling, talking to a therapist can help you learn to manage your symptoms and improve your quality of life.
Contact Couples Learn today to explore our online individual therapy and online couples therapy options and book a free 30-minute consultation.