EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

Are you having emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation? Snapping at loved ones or feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and unfulfilled in your life and relationships? If so, you may be experiencing the effects of unresolved trauma and you may benefit from EMDR therapy. 

Many clients come to Couples Learn to understand how past traumatic experiences shape the way they are showing up in their relationships. One of the most efficient ways to heal from past experiences and cultivate fulfilling relationships is through EMDR therapy. You may have heard friends or colleagues mention EMDR therapy, but wonder how it really works, and if it could be right for you. So what does EMDR stand for? And why does the name sound so complicated? This article will explore what EMDR therapy is, how it works, and how to find a qualified EMDR therapist.

EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy may conjure up images of laying on a couch being hypnotized, but it’s actually far from its seemingly “woo woo” sounding name. EMDR therapy is backed by years of research and it is recommended by the American Psychological Association as a successful trauma treatment. 

EMDR therapy was founded by Clinical Psychologist Francine Shapiro Ph.D. in 1987, after she realized that bilateral stimulation on the body can impact the way the brain processes information. EMDR works by engaging the brain’s natural healing process to re-process painful past experiences that were stored improperly at the time of the traumatic experience. Engaging in EMDR therapy with a trained EMDR therapist can help to reduce trauma, anxiety, depression, panic disorder symptoms, and relationship issues.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

If you have found yourself confused after Googling “EMDR definition” and attempting to decipher the results, this section can shed some light on what EMDR really is. 

Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an evidenced-based trauma treatment that helps alleviate psychological distress caused by traumatic memories and negative beliefs. In fact, the research shows that EMDR therapy is the most efficient trauma treatment available. According to a publication through The EMDR International Association, EMDR was recently named the most cost-effective treatment for adults with PTSD. The average number of sessions needed to heal from trauma, and alleviate symptoms of anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and other mental health concerns is much shorter than a cycle of treatment using other evidence based methods.

The EMDR Therapy Process

EMDR therapy sessions can help you handle trauma

EMDR works by using bilateral stimulation to guide the brain to reprocess a distressing memory. Bilateral stimulation is the process of stimulating each side of your brain, one at a time. This left-brain right-brain alternating stimulation is achieved through sound, touch, or eye movements. For example, you might listen to a beep played through headphones that alternates playing in your left ear, then your right ear. Or, you may follow a light with your eyes that causes them to move from left to right. Or, you may hold buzzers in your hands that gently vibrate left and right or tap your own shoulders with your hands, alternating left to right. Your EMDR therapist will help you to find the bilateral stimulation option that is most comfortable.

It is hypothesized that the process of bilateral stimulation mimics the process of REM sleep when our eyes move left to right rapidly. REM sleep is the time when our brain processes and stores the events and emotions from our day. After reprocessing in EMDR therapy, the brain retains the memory without the powerful emotions associated with it. Just like “sleeping on it” often helps give you new perspective on an issue. Most clients report feeling lighter, and as though the negative event has less power over them after EMDR treatment. 

The beauty of EMDR therapy is it doesn’t require extensive discussion of the memories or lengthy homework in between sessions. It is helpful for moving through trauma in a more manageable way than having to tell all the details of your trauma and reopening emotional wounds over and over again through talk therapy. Research also shows that after engaging in a successful EMDR treatment for one issue, the brain actually has greater resiliency in managing future traumas and healing from them more effectively.

What is EMDR Therapy Used For?

Who can benefit from EMDR therapy? You may be thinking, I haven’t suffered any major traumatic events so I’m not sure EMDR is really for me. Most people associate trauma with major events such as physical assault, sexual abuse, natural disasters, a car accident, or other life threatening events. These experiences are indeed trauma and they are what we call big “T” trauma in the psychological world. EMDR Therapy is very effective in treating big “T” traumas.

However, many people have experienced non-life threatening trauma, called small “t” traumas which are often just as impactful and can be especially harmful to functioning in relationships. Small “t” traumas are things like emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, racism, homophobia, and bullying. These small “t” traumas often happen repeatedly to the same individual throughout childhood and possibly even adulthood, causing many challenges in functioning and sometimes even leading to a disorder called Complex PTSD. There is a specific type of EMDR called Attachment Focused EMDR Therapy which is particularly helpful in treating the developmental trauma associated with small “t” traumas and Complex PTSD.

EMDR has been shown to be clinically useful for treating anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. It can also be used to help strengthen attachments, heal relationship wounds, and benefit couples therapy. 

EMDR for PTSD 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD is a psychological disorder that develops as a result of a big “T” trauma or a trauma where you believed your life was at risk. Symptoms of PTSD include nightmares, hypervigilance, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling your emotions, and avoidance of things that remind you of the trauma. EMDR counseling works to reduce the emotional charge associated with the memory of the event and stop trauma triggers from sending you into re-experiencing the event. These flashbacks, which are common in PTSD survivors, can derail daily life and cause symptoms of avoidance and isolation which further deteriorate mental health. By getting to the root cause of the PTSD, and reducing the emotion associated with the traumatic event, an EMDR therapist can help you move past your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

a couple discussing EMDR therapy for trauma

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR therapy is most often used to treat trauma. EMDR for trauma and PTSD were the first methods of EMDR to be researched and used successfully. By engaging with traumatic memories in a small tolerable amount, you do the work with part of your awareness in the present moment, connected to your surroundings and current safety, while exploring the past distressing event. This allows your brain to send messages between the amygdala (responsible for regulating emotions) and the hippocampus (related to memory). This dual awareness of the past and present helps you to release the intense emotional portion of the memory while maintaining the understanding that the event occurred. 

EMDR for Anxiety

Similar to its power for treating trauma, EMDR for anxiety has also been shown to be highly effective. Most mental health issues are caused by negative experiences stored in our brains and labeled as dangerous, due to our evolutionary survival instincts. The brain is trying to protect itself from further trauma or potential death, so it carefully catalogues any distressing or perceived life threatening event and any details about what was happening at the time the event occured. The brain then responds to anything similar in the future as a potential threat and will send a signal to the body to get ready to fight, flight, or freeze to protect itself from the threat. 

These reminders often trigger an unwanted response. A trigger signals to the brain that a potentially dangerous situation (requiring an anxious response to protect ourselves) is about to occur. If you have experienced anxiety you may be able to remember the first time you felt anxious. This memory serves as a template for your anxious experiences and each time you experience another anxiety provoking event, your brain remembers it, flags it, and stores it in that channel of memories. EMDR therapy works to address the distressing memories which make you feel anxious and relieve your current symptoms. 

EMDR for Depression

EMDR for depression works in a similar way to EMDR for anxiety and trauma. Oftentimes, we create meaning and negative beliefs about ourselves from the experiences we have. For example, a lack of satisfaction or success in your job may cause you to have a belief about yourself that you are not competent. This is called a negative core belief. This belief about yourself likely causes you to feel unmotivated, ashamed, sad, and/or angry. You may also experience other symptoms, such as negative thought patterns, disengaging from activities you used to enjoy, and trouble sleeping. 

Oftentimes, you can link that negative core belief about yourself to a specific situation in which you were yelled at by a boss, or passed up for a promotion, or missed a deadline. Or, it may go even farther back to childhood experiences with a critical parent. Whatever the distressing memory, the resulting belief about yourself can be reframed through EMDR therapy. Although, you may not have undergone a life threatening event, the memory of a distressing situation can be reprocessed with dual awareness in the past and present with a trained EMDR therapist to help you move forward and develop a healthier view of yourself. 

EMDR Couples Therapy

Whether one partner has experienced a trauma which is impacting their level of distress, or both partners experienced a trauma conjointly, EMDR therapy can be helpful in healing the trauma and allowing the couple to move forward without being constantly re-triggered and falling into old unproductive patterns of communication and disconnection. EMDR couples therapy can involve one partner being a present supporter for their partner as they reprocess distressing memories or it can be used to build safe attachments with one another to strengthen the relationship.  

Healing from trauma? EMDR therapy can help

How Does EMDR Therapy Work? 

EMDR works by engaging in the brain’s natural healing process, in which information is moved back and forth between your right and left brain to be processed and stored. As mentioned above, this is done by using bilateral stimulation to re-process maladaptively stored memories due to painful past experiences. 

In EMDR therapy, you’ll be asked to think about a target memory and then begin and continue bilateral stimulation until the emotional disturbance of the memory is reduced. The bilateral stimulation activates the memory network associated with the traumatic memory and everything that needs to be processed will come forward. That’s the beauty of our brains and bodies – if we remove the blockages that are preventing our natural processes from taking place, our body can do what it needs to do to heal.

EMDR therapy does not hurt or require you to be connected to a machine. It can bring up painful past memories and cause you to feel the emotions or body sensations that are associated with the memories as you move through it but most people find this tolerable. Your EMDR therapist will work with you to create dual awareness so that you can maintain your awareness in the present moment where you are safe as you experience the sensations associated with the past memory. Your EMDR therapist will also teach you self-soothing tools to use during EMDR before you even start the processing.

How Will I Feel During EMDR Therapy?

EMDR Therapy does involve some emotional discomfort and fortitude to move through the distressing memories to allow the brain to process them in a new way and release the emotional power they have over you in the present moment. The only way to move forward is to move through it but you and your therapist will move at a pace that feels safe for you. The reprocessing portion of EMDR therapy is often described like being on a train and looking out the window at the changing scenery. You are aware of what you are seeing (past memories) but you allow it to pass you by as you move forward and leave behind the distressing feelings associated with the memories. 

When you finish reprocessing, you may feel a sense of lightness in your body, relaxation, or perhaps exhaustion. Many people describe feeling a sense of release, openness and peace. Everyone experiences EMDR differently, but some people may experience side effects of vivid dreams or fatigue directly following a session. Others report feeling emotionally vulnerable following a reprocessing session. Once you move through the process, you will experience effects of reduced sensitivity to triggers and be able to talk about the situation without becoming emotional, or having the negative symptoms you previously experienced. 

What to Expect in an EMDR Session

A typical EMDR session starts off with you getting to know your therapist, and the therapist helping you identify important events and memories linked to the disturbances you are experiencing. Once the history taking portion is completed, you will work with your EMDR therapist to identify memories to target first. Before tackling the distressing memories, you will develop various self-regulation skills to ensure that you are comfortable self-soothing and remaining within your window of tolerance for difficult emotions. The idea is that you develop the basic skills you need to ground yourself and get back to baseline, before addressing distressing memories so you feel more confident beginning the reprocessing.

After learning these important self-regulation skills, you will start with your chosen memory. Your EMDR therapist will help you identify the emotions associated with the memory, a negative belief about yourself, and a positive belief that you would prefer to have about yourself. You then identify where you feel the emotion in your body, and hold that in your awareness as you engage in bilateral stimulation (BLS). All methods of BLS are effective and the method used is based on personal preference and therapist discretion.

Online EMDR therapy sessions can be as effective as in person EMDR sessions.

Why EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR therapy works because it connects the old distressing memories with new information. You are accessing the traumatic memory in small manageable doses and paring it with new information and new beliefs about yourself. The brain naturally has the ability to heal from trauma. The problem is that sometimes these situations are so intense that they hijack the brain’s ability to access this natural healing and rational approach to the information. 

EMDR therapy helps the brain tap into its natural ability to move forward from the pain associated with the memory and access the safety present in the current moment. The unprocessed information at the time of a distressing event incorrectly causes the brain to store the emotions and related physical sensations along with that memory. Many psychological disorders are caused by this lack of processing and improper storage. Therapists use EMDR to tap into the brain’s natural process of storing information and pair the traumatic memories with adaptive information such as positive coping, reframed thoughts and beliefs, and new resources for support so that they don’t feel scary anymore. Through EMDR therapy, the brain can properly process the memory and alleviate the symptoms created by the maladaptively stored memories.

Finding an EMDR Therapist

If after reading about the effectiveness of EMDR therapy, you’re wondering where you can find an EMDR therapist, we’ve got you covered. The therapists at Couples Learn can provide you with skilled EMDR therapy to overcome painful past experiences, help you live the life you want to live and show up as the person you want to be in your relationships. We have therapists trained in both Attachment Focused EMDR as well as traditional EMDR Therapy. The best part is, you can do EMDR from the comfort of your home with online therapy from Couples Learn. Book your free consultation to learn more about our EMDR services and pricing.

Want to learn more about EMDR therapy at Couples Learn? Watch the video below to learn more about the EMDR therapy process and what to expect in an EMDR session.

What To Do After An Affair To Rebuild Trust

What To Do After An Affair To Rebuild Trust

Researchers have found that the threat of an affair over the course of a relationship is about 25%. With 1 out of every 4 couples experiencing betrayal, you’re not alone if you’ve wondered about what to do after an affair.

The first thing to do after an affair is to decide whether or not you feel that the relationship is even worth saving. 

For some, an affair is a “cry for help,” where one partner essentially leaves the relationship by seeking the affection of a stranger. If the relationship was hopelessly flawed to begin with, there may not be much left to save.

Similarly, if a person has cheated more than once, you may want to strongly consider cutting your losses and moving on. As the saying goes, “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair,” which means that multiple offenses are very difficult to undo. 

If your partner is cheating on you repeatedly, you may also want to seek assessment for sex addiction to see if this is the underlying cause.

However, let’s say that your partner cheated on you once, claims it was a huge mistake and you both want to work to improve the relationship and figure out how to rebuild after an affair. What can you do then?

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., who wrote the book,” After The Affair: Healing The Pain And Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful,” shares some insights from her work about how to move on after an affair. Below, I paraphrase Dr. Spring’s main points about what to do after an affair.

A couple tries to figure out what to do after an affair.

What To Do After An Affair

If you’re considering staying with your partner after an affair, but aren’t sure what to do, these steps can help.

Honesty, Openness, and Apologies

The first step to take after an affair is to allow the person who was cheated on, (the betrayed partner), a chance to say everything that he or she is thinking and feeling. 

The betrayed partner needs free rein to go through all the necessary emotions of grief, anger, sadness, resentment, etc., and to be heard. New research is showing that being cheated on results in symptoms similar to PTSD, a mental illness that can occur after a major life-threatening trauma. 

The betrayer needs to be understanding of the emotional turmoil caused by his/her behaviors and “bear witness” to his partner’s pain without rushing them through it. One way to begin the process of rebuilding trust is for the betrayer to write an apology letter declaring their intentions to change their ways. This can go a long way toward forgiveness after an affair.

Avoid Cheap Forgiveness After An Affair

Dr. Spring calls “Cheap Forgiveness,” the process by which the betrayed forgives the betrayer too quickly, without going through all of the pain, anger, and sadness that comes with infidelity. 

Dr. Spring believes that some people rush themselves through to the acceptance phase of grief because they fear losing their partner. However, if you do this, you won’t fully heal from the incident and it’s likely to cause harm to your relationship in the future.

When figuring out what to do after an affair, it’s important to take the time you need to truly feel the pain of the betrayal and give yourself time to process and grieve.

A man sits with his hands folded wondering what to do after an affair

Set Rules To Rebuild Trust After An Affair

Here is one of the steps of what to do after an affair in which it’s easy to tell how serious the betrayer is about rebuilding trust. 

Dr. Spring recommends setting ground rules for allowing the betrayed to have access to the betrayer’s private life. For example, the betrayed may request all of the betrayers social media passwords or request that they show what they are doing on their phone when asked. The betrayed partner needs to have ways to check that the betrayer is being honest because their word is no longer enough. 

Yes, this may feel like an invasion of privacy to the betrayer, but, it is necessary to be completely transparent to help the betrayed to figure out how to trust after an affair. It’s completely normal to have to accommodate certain requests from your partner in order to help rebuild trust again. Resisting this request, or getting defensive, will only lead to the betrayed partner having more feelings of doubt and betrayal.

A betrayer who really wants to change their ways will most likely be open to these accommodations, whereas one who wants to continue playing the field might balk at these new restrictions. 

Hint: If he balks, it’s time to walk. Either he is still lying or he is not willing to do what it takes to rebuild trust.

Let Go

Finally, Dr. Spring suggests that after some time, the betrayed should be feeling more comfortable to loosen the reins on the rules mentioned above.  This is one of the last steps of what to do after an affair. With time and healing, the betrayed should be able to start trusting their partner again.

Recovering from an affair requires hard work, vulnerability and emotional risk-taking on the part of both partners. Emotionally charged conversations, tears, mood swings, and a reluctance to trust the betrayer are common reactions in the betrayed. Given the heavy emotions that infidelity causes, it’s often helpful for both individuals and the couple to be in therapy to facilitate the healing process. Counseling for couples after an affair can be an important part of their journey toward reconciliation and trust.

A couple holding hands after figuring out what to do after an affair

What To Do After An Affair? Trust Your Journey

The personal growth blog, Mark and Angel Hack Life, posted an article called 7 Things to Remember When You Feel Cheated On and I’d like to leave you with some of their words today:

“A wonderful, life-changing gift may not be wrapped as you expect. – When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times its necessary protection. But the time is never wasted. It’s a step on your journey. Someday you’re going to look back on this time in your life as an important time of grieving and growing. You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing for the greater good.”

So, whether this experience helps you grow stronger as a couple and improve your relationship, or whether you break up, trust that you are on the right path and everything is happening for your highest and best good. And know that we are here to help you through this or any other hard times.

Whether you want counseling for couples after an affair or want to explore what to do after an affair through individual counseling, Couples Learn can help.

How to Know If You Need Therapy: 6 Signs to Look For & What to Do About Them

How to Know If You Need Therapy: 6 Signs to Look For & What to Do About Them

With all of the wonderful self-help books and resources available today, you may find yourself wondering how to know if you need therapy. Maybe the problem that you are experiencing is something that you could take care of on your own. That certainly would be cheaper!

However, there are some instances in which self-help may not be enough. Are you asking yourself, “do I need therapy?” Then it’s important to explore how to know if you need therapy and determine what kind of therapy may work best for you.

Do I Need Therapy?: Six Signs To Look For

When you’re going through a tough time, dealing with a traumatic incident or just navigating changes in life, it’s easy to think you can handle it on your own or with the support of family and friends.

How to know if you need therapy isn’t always black and white. But if you’re on the fence, there’s a good chance that getting some professional help could be invaluable. 

Keep reading for a list of six signs you need therapy, especially if you’ve tried the self-help route and it’s not working.

How to Know if You Need Therapy: It’s Hard To Smile

If this is happening to you, you know what I mean. Funny things just don’t seem funny anymore. Activities that you once enjoyed don’t seem enticing. You find yourself feeling more like an observer than a participant in life. These are signs that you may be experiencing Depression, which is a real illness. 

As much as you may want to, you cannot just snap out of depression; it actually requires treatment. If you’re trying to figure out how to know if you need therapy and you’re having trouble finding enjoyment in everyday life, it’s a good idea to reach out to a professional to learn more about therapy for depression.

Man wondering how to know if you need therapy

How to Know if You Need Therapy: Your Body Is Talking To You

You get frequent, unexplained headaches, stomach-aches, insomnia, or colds that you just can’t shake. If you’ve been to a medical doctor and there doesn’t seem to be a physical explanation for your symptoms, it could be that stress or repressed trauma is causing your discomfort. 

Often, your body will act as a messenger, letting you know that something just isn’t right. At times, the thing that is bothering you may be in your subconscious mind so you may not even be aware of it yet. Even though your conscious mind doesn’t know what’s wrong, your body knows that there is something that needs to be addressed. 

If you’re wondering how to know if you need therapy, listen to your body! It knows more than you may think, and physical symptoms can be one of the biggest signs you need therapy for anxiety or trauma. 

How to Know if You Need Therapy: You’ve Been Through A Traumatic Event

Whether you’ve had a car accident, been assaulted, or lost a loved one, experiencing a trauma can do a number on your psyche. Even if you don’t develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you may still experience symptoms such as being unable to stop thinking or dreaming about whatever happened to you. But when do you need therapy for trauma?

Healing from a trauma is not something that you should do alone. Without professional help, you might repress the emotions associated with the event and avoid thinking about and processing them. And this can cause big problems down the road.

Woman wondering how to know if you need therapy

How to Know if You Need Therapy: You’re Using Substances To Get You Through The Day

I know, I know, lots of people have a drink or a smoke now and again to unwind. But if you can’t get through a day without a couple of drinks or a few hits off the bong, chances are, your usage isn’t purely social. Recreational drug use is supposed to be fun, not mandatory. 

Often, people with mental illness use drugs or alcohol to self-medicate and that’s when it becomes a problem. If your drug or alcohol use is leaving you wondering how to know if you need therapy, it’s a good idea to reach out to a professional.

Going to therapy for substance abuse can help you learn alternative coping skills so that you aren’t left feeling stressed and anxious without a drink or your drug of choice.

How to Know if You Need Therapy: Your Friends And/Or Family Are Concerned

If others have commented that you don’t seem to be doing well, or if your relationships are taking a turn for the worse, that’s one of the best signs you need therapy. Sometimes, the people around you are your best chance at seeing yourself honestly. 

On the other hand, it might be the people around you who are driving you crazy! Either way, if friends and family have you wondering, “Do I need therapy?”, then getting an objective view from a qualified therapist can help.

How to Know if You Need Therapy: You Keep Attracting or Creating Unhealthy Relationships

Relationship challenges are a sign that you might have some unhealed trauma from your childhood that is impacting your ability to create and keep healthy relationships. 

Maybe you find yourself attracted to unhealthy partners or addicts over and over again or maybe all of your exes have cheated on you. This is a sign of codependency and is something that can be addressed in therapy. 

Or, you might be finding it hard to commit at all, despite really wanting a spouse and family someday. You feel all in and excited about a new relationship at first and then get overwhelmed and pull away when things get serious. This is a sign of an avoidant attachment style and is also something that can be addressed in therapy.

Wondering how to know if you need therapy? Look at your relationships

Discover the Benefits of Therapy

If you’ve explored how to know when you need therapy and have decided that talking to a professional could be helpful, it’s time to find the right therapist for you.

There are many different approaches to therapy that can be helpful whether you’re looking for therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma, substance abuse, relationship problems, or just need help navigating life’s challenges. Luckily, therapy is becoming more and more accessible, thanks to virtual therapy options and online therapy services. 

Whether you want to focus on individual therapy or couples therapy, it’s important to take some time to research therapists and find the right fit for you, your schedule and your needs.

Ready to discover the benefits of therapy for yourself? At Couples Learn, we offer a free consultation to help you determine whether online therapy is right for you.