Should I Stay or Should I Go? How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Saving

by Dr. Sarah Schewitz | Dec 12, 2017

By Dr. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and founder of Couples Learn
Last updated 10/2026

“I can’t keep doing this.” Maybe you’ve said it out loud. Maybe you’ve only said it to yourself at 2 a.m. while your partner snores peacefully next to you, which, let’s be honest, feels a little unfair. You replay the last fight, then the one before that, and you wonder if you’re wasting years of your life or about to walk away from something you’ll regret losing.

So should you stay in your relationship? It’s usually worth staying and working on it when respect and goodwill are still there underneath the hurt, and when your problems are repeating patterns you haven’t had the right tools to change yet. It’s usually time to leave when you’re not safe, when contempt has hardened and won’t budge, or when you’ve both done real work and still want fundamentally different lives. Most people are somewhere in the middle. In the middle, the best next step is to stabilize first and decide second.

I’m Dr. Sarah Schewitz, a licensed psychologist, and “should I stay or should I go?” is the number one question new clients bring to me. (And yes, it’s also a Clash song. I promise I won’t make you sing it.) I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m going to walk you through the same framework I use with clients, so you can make this decision with clear eyes instead of from inside the storm.

Is it normal to wonder “should I stay or should I go?”

Yes. First things first, you’re not crazy for wondering. Almost every long-term relationship hits a stretch where one or both partners wonder whether they made the right choice. It doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken. Often it means you’ve reached what Imago therapists call the power struggle. That’s the stage after the honeymoon, when the differences that once felt exciting start to feel like threats. And if you’ve been quietly unhappy in your relationship for a while, the doubt makes even more sense.

There’s a reason this stage feels so personal. We tend to choose partners who feel deeply familiar, and familiar includes the parts of childhood that hurt. So when your partner goes quiet during a fight, it doesn’t just feel like silence. It can feel exactly like the parent who withdrew when you needed them most. Sound familiar? Your nervous system is reacting to the old wound and the current moment at the same time, which is why the stakes feel so enormous. A rule of thumb I share with clients is “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

Your feelings are still valid, and some problems are absolutely real. Some of the intensity may just have older roots, and that’s worth knowing before you make a decision this big. I’ve written more about how childhood affects relationships if this part resonates.

How do you know when a relationship is over?

A relationship is usually over when the respect and goodwill are gone and at least one of you has stopped wanting them back. Fighting, distance, and even long stretches of unhappiness don’t mean it’s over on their own. These are the signs that suggest a relationship may have reached its end.

• You don’t feel safe. If your partner hurts, threatens, controls, or frightens you, please read the safety section below before anything else.
• Contempt has become the default. Eye-rolling, mockery, and treating each other as beneath you. Dr. John Gottman’s research found contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.
• One of you has fully checked out. I mean done, beyond tired or discouraged. They won’t try, won’t consider therapy, and have stopped caring whether things improve.
• You want fundamentally different lives, and you’ve already tried hard to find a way to meet. Wanting kids versus not wanting kids is the classic example.
• Betrayal keeps happening with no real repair. Affairs, lies, or broken agreements repeat, and your partner shows no interest in understanding why.
• Picturing the end brings you relief instead of grief. And that feeling has held steady for months, not just after a bad night.

Notice what’s missing from that list. Frequent arguments aren’t on it. Feeling like roommates isn’t on it. Neither is “we always have the same conversation and nothing changes.” Those are painful, and they’re also some of the most workable problems I see in my practice. If every couple who fought were doomed, there would be no couples left. I’d also be out of a job!

What are the signs your relationship is worth saving?

A relationship is usually worth saving when there’s still a foundation of friendship and respect underneath the pain, even if you can’t feel it on a bad day. Look for these signs.

• You still like each other in the quiet moments between the fights.
• You both still feel hurt. Anger and tears mean you’re both still invested. Indifference is the one to worry about.
• The fights circle the same few issues, which usually points to a pattern you can learn to change.
• You can each name something you’ve contributed to the problem, even if you say it through gritted teeth.
• You can still make each other laugh, even if it’s at the absurdity of fighting about the dishwasher for the third time this week.
• You’re both willing to get help, or at least willing to consider it.
• You can picture a version of this relationship you’d want, even if you can’t see the path there yet.

If the bigger feeling for you is numbness rather than hurt, my post on whether you’ve fallen out of love can help you tell the difference between love that’s gone and love that’s buried.

Is this a crisis or a pattern?

Before you decide anything, figure out which one you’re dealing with. A crisis is an acute event like a job loss, a new baby, an illness, a move, a death in the family, or the discovery of an affair. Crises can knock even strong couples flat for a while. They’re often repairable with support, and making a permanent decision in the middle of one is a little like deciding to sell your house while the kitchen is on fire.

A pattern is the same loop, over and over. One of you pursues and the other withdraws. One of you over-functions and carries everything while the other drifts further away. Silence turns into resentment, resentment turns into an explosion, and a temporary truce holds until it all starts again.

Patterns feel hopeless because you’ve lived them so many times. The good news is that patterns are exactly what couples therapy is built to change. Once you can see the loop, you can start fighting it together instead of fighting each other.

A decision framework for “should I stay or should I go?”

The clearest way to decide is to answer 6 questions honestly, in order. Start with safety, then look at respect, the kind of problem you’re facing, whether you’ve had the right tools, and who inside you is making the call. Then give yourself a defined window before you choose.

1. Am I safe?

This question comes first because it changes everything else. If you’re experiencing physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, or if you’re afraid of how your partner will react to you, this isn’t a relationship problem for the two of you to work through together. Couples therapy usually isn’t recommended while one partner is being abused, because it can put the person being hurt at greater risk.

2. Is there still respect underneath the hurt?

Every couple I’ve ever worked with fights. Yes, even the ones who look perfect on Instagram. What separates the couples who make it is less about how often they fight and more about whether they can repair afterward and still treat each other as equals. Ask yourself whether you still respect your partner as a person, and whether they still respect you.

If there’s eye-rolling, mocking, or name-calling, notice how often it happens and who it comes from. Contempt in a relationship can be worked on, but only when both people are willing to look at it.

3. Is this problem solvable, or one we’ll always have?

Gottman’s research found that about two-thirds of relationship problems are perpetual. They come from differences in personality, needs, or values, and they never fully go away. One of you is a saver and the other believes a $9 latte is a basic human right. One of you recharges with time alone and the other feels abandoned by it. Every couple has a handful of these.

So ask yourself whether you can learn to talk about your version with humor and care, or whether it’s a true dealbreaker for you. When a couple keeps having the same fight, it usually means they need better tools to talk through the difference and accept it. It’s rarely proof that they picked the wrong person.

4. Have we actually tried the right things?

I’m going to be straight with you here, and I say it with love. Most couples who tell me “we’ve tried everything” have tried very hard at the wrong things. They’ve talked it out for the hundredth time, read the books, planned the date nights, and made heartfelt promises in the car on the way home. Am I right?

Effort matters. But when you’re stuck in a pattern, more effort usually makes the pattern stronger. The pursuer pursues harder and the withdrawer retreats further, and both of you end up more alone.

Trying the right things looks different. It means learning to spot the cycle while it’s happening, calming your nervous system enough to stay in the conversation, understanding the old wounds your fights keep poking, and then building new experiences together that feel different from the old ones. Most of us were never taught any of that growing up. If you tried therapy before and it didn’t help, that’s worth a closer look too, because sometimes it was the wrong approach or the wrong fit. If you decide to stay, my guide on how to fix a broken relationship walks through the steps.

5. Who is making this decision, my adult self or my old wounds?

Sometimes the urge to leave comes from a clear-eyed adult who has seen enough. Sometimes it comes from a much younger part of you that learned early on that people leave, or that needing someone isn’t safe. Both feelings are real. They just lead to very different decisions.

Ask yourself whether you’ve felt this exact way in past relationships too. If the same urge to run keeps showing up with different partners, or the same terror of being left, that’s important information. Your nervous system reaches for the strategies that kept you safe when you were young. They did exactly what they were supposed to do back then. They may not be serving you now.

6. If nothing changed, could I live with it?

Picture your relationship 5 years from now, exactly as it is today, with no growth from either of you. Notice what happens in your body. Then picture it 5 years from now after you’ve both learned new ways of handling the hard stuff.

If the second picture brings up hope, pay attention to that. If even the improved version leaves you cold, pay attention to that too. Writing a relationship vision can make this exercise much more concrete, especially if your partner is willing to write one with you.

Then give it a defined window

Once you’ve worked through these questions, consider committing to a set period of focused effort before you make a final call. A few months of real work, ideally with a couples therapist, gives you actual information instead of the same loop of guessing.

At the end of that window, you get to decide consciously. If you stay, you stay with new tools and a much clearer picture of what you’re choosing. If you go, you go knowing you gave it everything you had, and you carry what you learned about yourself into whatever comes next.

What if one of us wants to stay and the other wants to go?

This is incredibly common, and it doesn’t automatically mean it’s over. When researchers surveyed divorcing parents, about 3 in 10 individuals were open to reconciliation services, but in only about 1 in 10 couples were both partners interested. Mismatched feelings are the norm at this stage.

If you’re the one who wants to stay, pushing harder rarely brings a partner back who is leaning out. Pleading, explaining, and sending them articles (yes, even this one) usually feeds the pursue and withdraw loop. What tends to help more is getting steadier yourself, so you’re responding from calm instead of panic. Individual therapy for relationship issues can be a huge support while you do that.

If you’re the one leaning out, you don’t owe anyone a decision today. Still, it’s kinder to your partner and to yourself to be honest that you’re unsure than to quietly check out. Many couples come to me with one foot out the door. Getting clarity together is a worthwhile goal on its own, whatever the outcome.

Should I stay for the kids?

Staying only for the kids rarely works as a long-term plan, and neither does leaving without ever trying. What matters most for your children is how much conflict and coldness they live inside, and how the two of you treat each other whichever path you take.

Kids notice far more than we think. They feel the tension at the dinner table and the silence on the drive to school. If you stay, the goal is a home where they watch their parents repair after a fight and treat each other with respect. If you go, the goal is a separation where they’re kept out of the middle. Either way, getting support now protects them. If you’re married and weighing divorce specifically, my guide on whether you should get divorced goes deeper on that decision.

Can couples therapy help us decide whether to stay or leave?

Yes. Couples therapy isn’t only for couples who have already decided to stay. A good therapist can help you slow down, understand the cycle you’re caught in, and make a decision you can both live with, whichever direction it goes.

In my online couples therapy practice, I combine Imago Relationship Therapy with the Gottman Method and attachment-focused approaches. In plain language, that means we look at the pattern underneath your fights, where it comes from, and how to respond to each other differently. Most couples complete therapy in about 12 to 14 sessions. Some realize they want to rebuild. Some realize they don’t, and they part with more understanding and far less damage. Both are good outcomes when the decision is made with clear eyes.

If you’re on the fence about trying it, I wrote an honest look at the pros and cons of couples therapy.

How do I stop going back and forth?

You stop going back and forth by taking the decision off the daily agenda. Re-deciding every day exhausts your nervous system and keeps you stuck in the same spin.

Try this. Pick a date on the calendar, maybe 3 months out, when you’ll seriously revisit the question. Until then, your only job is to gather information. Notice the good moments and the hard ones, and write them down if it helps. Work on your side of the pattern. Get support. When the date comes, you’ll be deciding from a much fuller picture than whatever happened last Tuesday when the wet towels landed on the bed again.

And please, be gentle with yourself in the meantime. Ambivalence isn’t weakness, and it isn’t a character flaw. It’s what it feels like to love someone and be hurt by them at the same time.

Frequently asked questions

You don’t have to figure this out alone

“Should I stay or should I go?” is one of the hardest questions you’ll ever ask yourself. If you’re torn, it’s because you care. Fear and love can live in the same heart, and there’s real grief in either choice.

The answer isn’t automatically to leave. Often the answer is to get the tools you’ve been missing, become the best version of yourselves, and then make a conscious choice instead of an unconscious one. If that choice is to part ways, my guide on how to break up with someone you love can help you do it with care.

If you’re at a breaking point, I’d love to help you find some clarity. Book a free 30-minute consultation and we’ll talk about what’s going on and whether working together is a good fit. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and it’s one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and your relationship.