If you have started looking into therapy, you have probably realized something pretty quickly: “couples therapy” is not one single thing. In fact, there are dozens of couples therapy approaches to consider when you’re looking for relationship help.
It’s not like ordering one standard relationship fix from a menu and waiting for your communication problems to arrive nicely wrapped with a bow. Different therapists use a variety of couples therapy techniques, and those approaches are built on different theories about why couples get stuck, why conflict keeps repeating, and what actually helps people reconnect.
Some approaches focus on emotions and attachment, while others are more skills-based and practical. Some dig into old wounds and unconscious patterns and some are especially helpful when trauma is part of the picture. And some are less about repairing damage and more about helping you build a strong relationship before marriage.
Those differences matter because the best couples therapy approach for your relationship depends on what is actually going wrong. If you keep having the same fight in different outfits, if one of you shuts down while the other chases, if trust has been damaged, or if your relationship is being run by unresolved trauma and nervous system overload, the right therapeutic approach can make a huge difference.
The good news? You don’t need to become a therapist to understand the basics. You just need enough clarity to recognize what these approaches are, what they are good at, and what kind of help your relationship actually needs.
What Are the Approaches to Couples Therapy?
At the broadest level, couples therapy approaches are different frameworks therapists use to help partners understand conflict, improve communication, repair trust, and build a healthier relationship.
Some of the most common approaches include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for couples, psychodynamic approaches, and Imago therapy. Many therapists also integrate multiple methods rather than rigidly sticking to just one, especially when a couple is dealing with more than one issue at a time.
That last part is important. A good couples therapist is not usually sitting there like, “Sorry, I only do one brand of healing.” Many strong clinicians are integrative. They may rely heavily on one model but borrow tools from others based on what the couple needs. So when you read about these approaches, do not think of them as seven rival sports teams fighting for dominance. Think of them as different clinical maps. Some maps are better for trauma, while some are better for emotional disconnection. Others are better for communication and conflict skills. And some are especially helpful for engaged couples who want to prevent predictable problems before they start.
How Couples Therapy Actually Works
Across approaches, effective couples therapy usually helps partners do a few core things, including:
Understand what is happening underneath the surface argument.
Increases empathy and accountability.
Gives them new ways to communicate, respond, and repair.
And ideally, it gets them to stop treating each other like the enemy when the real enemy is the pattern between them.
That is why couples therapy is not just “venting in front of a third person.” If your therapist is effective, the work is not about refereeing a live reenactment of your kitchen arguments. It is about helping both of you see the structure of what keeps happening and then changing it in a meaningful way.
Exploring the Different Couples Therapy Approaches
Below, learn more about each type of couples therapy and get help determining which is right for you and your relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is one of the best-known and most researched approaches in couples work. It was developed in the 1980s, is grounded in attachment science, and is designed to help couples identify and change the emotional interaction cycle that keeps them disconnected.
Put simply, EFT asks: what is happening emotionally underneath your fights?
Maybe one partner criticizes because they feel abandoned and the other shuts down because they feel like nothing they do is good enough. Maybe the fight about dishes is not really about dishes, because of course it is not. It is about fear, rejection, loneliness, shame, or feeling emotionally unsafe. EFT helps couples recognize those deeper emotions, express them more clearly, and respond to each other in ways that build a more secure bond.
This approach tends to be especially helpful for couples who feel disconnected, stuck in pursue-withdraw patterns, emotionally reactive, or unable to have vulnerable conversations without everything going sideways. If your relationship issue is less “we need a better spreadsheet” and more “we do not feel emotionally safe with each other anymore,” EFT is often a strong fit.
EFT may be a good fit when:
You keep having the same emotional cycle over and over.
One or both of you feels unseen, rejected, or alone in the relationship.
Conflict quickly turns into shutdown, defensiveness, or escalation.
You want deeper connection, not just better argument technique.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is another major evidence-based approach in couples therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and built on decades of relationship research. According to the Gottman Institute, the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy include disarming conflict, increasing intimacy, respect, and affection, removing barriers to empathy, and helping couples create greater understanding and shared meaning.
Where EFT often emphasizes emotional bonding and attachment, the Gottman Method is more structured and skills-oriented. It is built around the Sound Relationship House theory and commonly focuses on strengthening friendship, turning toward bids for connection, managing conflict effectively, and building a meaningful shared life together.
This is often a strong fit for couples who want practical tools. If you are both saying, “Please, for the love of God, just give us something concrete we can do when we start spiraling,” Gottman-based work can be very appealing.
The Gottman Method may be a good fit when:
You want specific strategies and exercises.
Your conflicts get repetitive and unproductive.
Friendship, affection, and emotional connection have eroded.
You want to improve communication while also strengthening the overall foundation of the relationship.
CBT for Couples
Cognitive Behavioral Couple Therapy, or CBT for couples, focuses on the thoughts, interpretations, and behaviors that keep partners stuck. CBCT is an evidence-based approach for relationship distress. CBT-oriented relationship work often aims to help couples identify cognitive distortions, challenge unhelpful assumptions, improve communication, and change behavior patterns that escalate conflict.
This can be especially useful when a couple’s issues are fueled by recurring misinterpretations, black-and-white thinking, hostile assumptions, avoidance, or rigid behavior loops. For example, one partner may automatically assume, “If you forgot that, it means I do not matter.” The other assumes, “If you bring this up, it means I can never do anything right.” CBT helps slow those automatic thoughts down and replace them with more accurate, less destructive ones.
CBT tends to be more present-focused and action-oriented than some deeper exploratory models. It is often a good fit for couples who want practical tools and are willing to examine how their thinking patterns contribute to conflict.
CBT may be a good fit when:
Arguments are fueled by assumptions and misinterpretations.
You want structure, homework, and measurable skills.
One or both partners struggles with anxiety, anger, or rigid thinking that spills into the relationship.
You want tools for communication, problem-solving, and behavior change.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It focuses on transforming conflict into healing and growth through relational connection. The model is based on the idea that old wounds, unmet needs, and learned relational patterns from earlier life often get activated inside adult romantic relationships.
This approach often helps couples understand why their partner seems to trigger such a strong reaction and why conflict can feel strangely familiar. Imago work commonly emphasizes structured dialogue, empathy, curiosity, and helping each partner feel heard without immediately becoming defensive or combative.
Imago can be particularly appealing for couples who want to explore the deeper meaning of their relational patterns and who are open to the idea that some of their present-day conflict has roots in old emotional injuries. It can be useful when the goal is not just stopping fights, but understanding why certain fights feel so loaded in the first place.
Imago may be a good fit when:
You notice childhood wounds getting activated in the relationship.
You want to build empathy and better listening.
The same fights feel emotionally “bigger” than the topic itself.
You want to understand the deeper meaning behind your patterns, not just manage symptoms.
EMDR in Couples Therapy
EMDR is not traditionally thought of as a primary couples therapy model in the same way EFT or Gottman are, but it can be integrated into couples therapy when trauma is driving relationship distress. Couples-focused EMDR can help clinicians recognize trauma underlying conflictive intimacy patterns, reprocess trauma memories, and work with attachment deficits and systemic issues. Integrating EMDR into couples therapy is an emerging trend, particularly when trauma contributes to reactivity, insecurity, or relational gridlock.
This matters because sometimes the relationship problem is not just “bad communication.” Sometimes one or both partners are responding from unresolved trauma. In those cases, asking the couple to simply communicate better can feel a lot like handing someone a fire extinguisher after their nervous system has already become a flamethrower.
EMDR-informed couples work may be helpful when trauma, betrayal, panic-level reactivity, or nervous system activation keeps hijacking the relationship. It can be especially relevant if one or both partners has a history of trauma that gets triggered in moments of conflict or attachment threat.
EMDR may be a good fit when:
Trauma is clearly part of the relationship dynamic.
One or both partners becomes highly triggered during conflict.
Past betrayal, attachment injury, or trauma memories keep bleeding into present interactions.
A therapist believes trauma processing needs to happen alongside relational work.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is not just for couples in trouble, and honestly, that misconception does relationships zero favors.
This type of couples therapy is a proactive form of couples work designed to help engaged or seriously committed partners strengthen communication, clarify values, prepare for conflict, and address issues before they become entrenched. Sources on premarital counseling consistently describe goals like improving communication, discussing expectations, building conflict-resolution skills, and increasing long-term relationship confidence and satisfaction.
This is one of the smartest times to do therapy, because you are not trying to repair everything after years of resentment and relational scar tissue. You are building the foundation before the house starts shifting.
Premarital counseling can cover topics like money, sex, family boundaries, parenting expectations, religion, household roles, emotional needs, communication styles, and conflict patterns. Some therapists use structured models, including Gottman-based premarital counseling, to help couples identify strengths and likely points of friction before marriage.
Premarital counseling may be a good fit when:
You are engaged or planning long-term commitment.
You want to talk through values, expectations, and possible stress points.
You have a solid relationship and want to keep it that way.
You would prefer prevention over emergency repair. A radical concept, apparently.
Other Couples Therapy Approaches You May Hear About
In your search for a couples therapist, you may also come across:
Psychodynamic couples therapy: Explores how unconscious patterns and early experiences shape current relationships.
Systemic couples therapy: Looks at the broader relational, family, and cultural systems influencing the couple.
Discernment counseling: Designed for couples who are unsure whether to repair the relationship or end it, rather than those who are both fully committed to working on it in standard couples therapy.
What is the Best Couples Therapy Approach?
There is no universal “best” approach for every couple. EFT, the Gottman Method, CBT for couples, Imago therapy, and trauma-informed approaches like EMDR integration all have potential strengths.
The right fit depends on your goals, your emotional dynamics, whether trauma is involved, how motivated each partner is, and what kind of therapeutic structure works best for both of you.
In general:
If your biggest problem is emotional disconnection and attachment pain, EFT may be especially helpful.
If you want practical skills and structured tools, the Gottman Method or CBT-based work may be a better fit.
If old wounds and deeply rooted relational triggers keep taking over, Imago or trauma-informed therapy may be useful.
If trauma is actively hijacking the relationship, EMDR-informed treatment may need to be part of the plan.
If you are preparing for marriage rather than repairing major damage, premarital counseling may be the smartest place to start.
What to Do Instead of Couples Therapy
Sometimes, couples therapy is not the next best step, or not the only step.
If one partner refuses therapy, individual therapy may still help you understand your patterns, set healthier boundaries, and decide what is realistic in the relationship. On the other hand, if the relationship is marked by uncertainty about whether to stay together, discernment counseling may be more appropriate than traditional couples therapy.
If one or both partners are dealing with serious trauma, addiction, severe emotional dysregulation, or untreated mental health symptoms, individual treatment may need to happen alongside or even before couples work. Behavioral couples therapy also has a specific role in relationships affected by alcohol or drug problems.
And just to say the obvious thing out loud: if there is active abuse, coercion, control, intimidation, or fear in the relationship, standard couples therapy may not be appropriate. In those situations, safety comes first.
How to Choose the Right Couples Therapist
When you are looking for a couples therapist, do not just ask whether they “see couples.” That is too vague to be useful. Instead:
Ask what their primary couples therapy approaches are.
Ask whether they are trained in EFT, Gottman, CBT for couples, EMDR, or other modalities relevant to your concerns.
Ask how they decide which method to use.
Ask how they work with issues like trauma, infidelity, shutdown-pursue dynamics, emotional disconnection, or premarital preparation.
Ask whether they assign exercises or homework.
Ask how they handle situations where one partner is more hesitant than the other.
Ask whether they have experience with the specific issue bringing you in.
A strong therapist should be able to explain their approach in plain language. Not with a cloud of clinical buzzwords designed to make you nod politely while learning absolutely nothing.
FAQs
What are the most common couples therapy approaches?
The most common couples therapy approaches include:
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Gottman Method
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for couples
Imago Relationship Therapy
Premarital Counseling
Which couples therapy method is best?
There is no single best method for every couple. EFT is often helpful for emotional disconnection and attachment injuries. Gottman is useful for structured communication and conflict tools. CBT helps with distorted thinking and behavior loops. EMDR may help when trauma is a major driver of relationship distress.
Is EFT better than the Gottman Method?
Not universally. EFT is often more emotion- and attachment-focused, while the Gottman Method is often more structured and skills-based. The better fit depends on whether your relationship needs deeper emotional repair, more practical conflict tools, or a blend of both.
What should we do instead of couples therapy?
Depending on the issue, alternatives to couples therapy may include individual therapy, premarital counseling, discernment counseling, or trauma treatment. The right option depends on whether the problem is uncertainty about the relationship, individual symptoms, or a broader relationship pattern.
Does premarital counseling actually help?
Yes, premarital counseling is commonly used to help couples clarify expectations, strengthen communication, prepare for conflict, and build a stronger foundation before marriage. Research and clinical sources associate it with better relationship quality and lower conflict later on.
The Bottom Line on Couples Therapy Approaches
Different couples therapy approaches are not interchangeable. They are built for different problems, different patterns, and different goals.
The best approach is the one that fits your relationship, your pain points, and your goals. Not the one with the flashiest name or the one your cousin recommended because it saved her marriage. The one you need is the one that actually addresses what is happening between the two of you.
If your relationship is struggling, the right couples therapy approach can help you stop repeating the same painful cycle. And it can help you start creating something healthier, safer, and more connected.
Are you and your partner stuck in the same painful patterns? Are you ready to figure out what kind of help will actually move the needle? Couples Learn can help. Our therapists use evidence-based couples therapy approaches tailored to your specific relationship. We can assist with communication problems, emotional disconnection, trust issues, and recurring conflict that never seems to fully go away.
Many couples face tough times in their relationships. When this happens, they might think about going to therapy. But with so many types out there, which one works best?
Numerous studies have looked into the effectiveness of different types of couples therapy. For example, research has shown that emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFT) has helped 90% of couples improve their relationships. Other forms of couples therapy have also proven to be effective in helping couples navigate their challenges.
The best couples therapy really depends on your unique needs and relationship dynamics. In order to find the right therapy as a couple it’s important to have a strong understanding of how couples therapy works and what types of therapy are available.
Couples therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on improving romantic relationships. It involves both partners meeting with a trained therapist to discuss issues and find solutions.
In therapy sessions, you and your partner will talk about your concerns. The therapist will guide you through exercises to improve your relationship.
Therapy can also help with big life changes. These might include moving in together, getting married, or having a child.
It’s not just for couples in crisis. Even happy couples can benefit from therapy to make their relationship stronger.
6 Most Effective Couples Therapy Techniques
Couples therapy uses different methods to help partners improve their relationships. These approaches focus on changing behaviors, exploring emotions, and finding solutions to problems.
Some of the most effective couples therapy approaches include:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT helps couples understand and change emotional patterns. It focuses on creating secure attachments between partners.
In EFT, you’ll:
Identify negative interaction cycles
Express underlying emotions
Create new, positive interactions
This approach can help you feel more connected to your partner. It aims to build trust and improve intimacy.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago therapy connects childhood experiences to adult relationships. It suggests that you choose partners who remind you of your caregivers.
In Imago sessions, you’ll:
Share childhood wounds
Practice active listening
Learn to meet each other’s needs
This method can help you understand why you react in certain ways in your relationship.
Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is based on decades of research by Dr. John Gottman. It focuses on building friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning.
Key components include:
Learning to avoid the “Four Horsemen” of negative interaction
Building love maps of your partner’s world
Creating shared goals and values
This method can help you strengthen your relationship’s foundation and improve communication.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy for couples focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. It helps you identify and challenge unhelpful beliefs about your relationship.
This approach can help you develop a more balanced view of your relationship and improve your interactions.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is one of the most effective types of couples therapy because it is proactive.
This type of counseling helps couples talk through their issues before marriage and also gives couples the chance to discuss how they want their partnership to function before tying the knot. This can help set you up for success in the long run.
Online Couples Counseling
Online couples therapy is convenient and easier to schedule because you don’t have to make time to travel to an office. Some couples also find it easier to be vulnerable in therapy when they are in the comfort of their own home and the person they are opening up to is behind a screen. This kind of couples therapy can also be great for couples in long-distance relationships.
Because couples can join from different locations – or even just different rooms – it can help some find it easier to discuss especially difficult subjects.
Key Components of Effective Couples Therapy
Effective couples therapy focuses on several key areas to improve relationships. These components help partners build stronger connections and solve problems together.
Communication Skills Development
Improving communication is a top priority in couples therapy. You’ll learn to express yourself clearly and listen actively to your partner.
Therapists teach techniques like “I” statements to share feelings without blame. You’ll practice paraphrasing to ensure you understand each other correctly.
Role-playing exercises can also help you handle difficult conversations. You’ll gain skills to discuss sensitive topics calmly and productively.
Effective communication reduces misunderstandings and prevents arguments from escalating. With practice, you’ll feel more heard and understood by your partner.
Building Intimacy and Connection
Strengthening your emotional bond is crucial for a satisfying relationship. Therapy helps you rediscover what drew you together and build new positive experiences.
You’ll learn to show appreciation and admiration for your partner daily. Therapists may suggest activities to increase physical and emotional closeness.
Vulnerability exercises help you open up and share your deepest feelings. This builds trust and deepens your connection.
Managing Conflict and Resolving Issues
Every couple faces disagreements. Effective therapy teaches you to handle conflicts constructively.
You’ll learn to identify your conflict patterns and break negative cycles. Therapists help you find compromise and win-win solutions.
Time-out techniques can prevent arguments from getting out of hand. You’ll practice calming methods to use when emotions run high.
Learning problem-solving skills can help you tackle issues as a team. You’ll set ground rules for fair fighting and learn to avoid harmful behaviors like criticism or stonewalling.
Enhancing Emotional Understanding
Couples therapy can help you identify your own feelings and understand your partner’s emotional needs. This builds empathy and reduces emotional distance.
Therapists guide you to share vulnerable emotions safely. You’ll comfort each other in times of distress, strengthening your bond.
Exercises help you tune into your partner’s nonverbal cues. You’ll become more aware of each other’s emotional states and respond with care.
Strategies for Successful Couples Therapy
Effective couples therapy requires active participation and dedication from both partners. The following strategies can help you make the most of your sessions and improve your relationship.
Setting Clear Goals
Start by identifying specific issues you want to address. Talk with your partner about what you hope to achieve through therapy.
Write down 2-3 concrete goals, such as:
Improving communication
Resolving conflicts more effectively
Rebuilding trust
Share these goals with your therapist in your first session. This gives them a clear direction for your treatment plan. Review your progress regularly and adjust goals as needed.
Be patient – meaningful change takes time. Celebrate small victories along the way to stay motivated.
Fostering a Commitment to Therapy
Make therapy a priority in your schedule. Attend all sessions, even when it feels difficult. Consistent participation leads to better outcomes.
Do any “homework” assigned between sessions. This reinforces what you learn and helps you practice new skills. Be open and honest during sessions, even about uncomfortable topics.
Stay focused on improving your relationship, not “winning” arguments. Approach therapy as a team working toward shared goals. Support each other’s efforts to change and grow.
Incorporating Individual Psychological Work
While couples therapy focuses on your relationship, individual growth is also important. Take time for self-reflection between sessions. Consider how your own thoughts, behaviors, and past experiences impact your relationship.
Be willing to examine your own role in conflicts. Take responsibility for your actions without blaming your partner. Work on managing your own emotions and reactions.
If recommended, pursue individual therapy alongside couples sessions. This can help you address personal issues that affect your relationship.
Practicing Skills Outside of Sessions
Apply what you learn in therapy to your daily life. Practice new communication techniques regularly, not just during conflicts. This might include:
Active listening
Using “I” statements
Expressing appreciation
Set aside time each week to connect with your partner. Try new activities together or have meaningful conversations. Use problem-solving skills learned in therapy to tackle day-to-day issues as a team.
Be patient and supportive as you both work on changing old patterns. Acknowledge each other’s efforts and progress, no matter how small.
Choosing an Effective Couples Therapist
A couples therapist guides partners through challenges and helps improve their relationship. While the couples therapy approach they use is important, it’s also key to find the right therapist for you and your partner.
What to Look for in a Couples Therapist
An effective couples therapist is skilled at managing strong emotions. You can expect them to keep sessions on track, even when feelings run high. They should have advanced couples therapy training above and beyond their graduate training and they should specialize in working with couples. It’s usually not sufficient to work with a therapist who includes a few couples on their caseload now and again. You will benefit most from working with a specialist who does this work all day everyday.
Effective therapists use various techniques to help couples. These may include:
Active listening exercises
Communication skills training
Conflict resolution strategies
Your therapist should be able to explain relationship issues clearly. They’ll help you see patterns in your behavior and interactions and work to change them.
Couples Therapy Outcomes and Effectiveness
Couples therapy can lead to big improvements in relationships. Research shows it helps many couples feel happier together and solve problems better.
The good changes from couples therapy often last a long time. Many couples keep using what they learned months or years later.
A study of different therapy types found that improvements usually stick around long term. Couples tend to keep feeling closer and are able to use what they learned in therapy to deal with future problems better.
Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy
Couples therapy offers various approaches to help improve relationships. Different methods can lead to positive outcomes when applied properly.
Which is better for relationship issues, Gottman Method or EFT?
Both the Gottman Method and EFT can be effective for relationship issues. The choice depends on your specific needs and preferences.
The Gottman Method aims to improve respect, affection, and closeness. EFT focuses on emotional bonds and attachment.
Your therapist can help you decide which approach might work best for your situation.
What are some successful outcomes of couples therapy?
Successful outcomes of couples therapy can include improved communication and conflict resolution skills. Many couples report feeling more connected and understood by their partner.
Therapy can also help resolve specific issues like infidelity or financial disagreements. Some couples find renewed intimacy and emotional closeness through the process.
How does one determine the best type of marriage counseling?
Consider your specific relationship issues and goals. Research different therapy types and their approaches.
Consult with potential therapists about their methods and experience. Many offer initial consultations to help you determine if they’re a good fit.
Your comfort level with the therapist is also important. Choose someone you both feel you can trust and open up to.
Can couples therapy make your relationship worse?
But can therapy make things worse? Our team of couples therapists had a very simple answer to this question: no. Couples therapy will not make your relationship worse. This does not, however, mean that couples therapy won’t be hard.
It is very common to feel like your relationship is getting worse when you first start therapy. For many couples, therapy is the first time they are truly talking openly about their issues. For others, diving into the ways that their childhood has impacted their adult relationships can be incredibly painful and eye-opening.
Still, an effective couples therapist will help you navigate through these conversations and come out better for it on the other side.
Counseling can be a valuable tool for those looking to improve their relationships, but many people hesitate to seek help due to misconceptions and myths about couples therapy.
Unfortunately, dismissing the idea of couples therapy without a clear understanding of what it actually involves can prevent couples from reaping the potential benefits.
If you’ve been wondering if you and your partner need therapy, it’s important to identify and debunk any couples therapy misconceptions you might have before making any treatment decisions.
Whether you’re worried about couples therapy making your situation worse or concerned that going to therapy is a sign your relationship isn’t worth saving, taking time to explore the truth about couples therapy will ensure you and your relationship can get the support you need.
Keep reading to explore some of the most common couples therapy misconceptions debunked by our experienced couples therapists at Couples Learn. But first, let’s explore what couples counseling is all about.
What Is Couples Counseling?
Couples counseling, often referred to as couples therapy, is a type of mental health treatment aimed at helping couples navigate relationship issues and improve communication. Couples therapists use a variety of therapy modalities to help couples navigate major life changes, stressors and conflicts.
The goal of couples counseling is not to “fix” a relationship or decide who is right or wrong. Instead, couples therapists can help partners understand each other’s perspectives and develop healthy communication and conflict-resolution strategies.
While many couples attend therapy when they are dealing with major life changes, infidelity or other relationship challenges, counseling can also help couples proactively care for their relationship. In fact, proactive attendance can help couples prevent future conflicts and strengthen their relationship before major issues arise.
It is also important to know that couples counseling is not a one-size-fits-all approach. There are various methods and techniques used by couples therapists. An experienced counselor will tailor their approach to best suit your unique relationship dynamics and the specific issues you wish to address. At Couples Learn, we use a variety of couples therapy techniques including Gottman Method, Imago therapy, EFT and more.
14 Common Misconceptions of Couples Counseling
Considering couples therapy but worried about whether or not it’s right for you? Explore some of the common misconceptions and myths of couples therapy below.
1. Couples counseling is only for couples on the verge of divorce.
This is a common couples therapy myth, but it’s simply not true. Couples counseling can be beneficial for anyone looking to improve their relationship, regardless of the stage they are at. The stigma around couples counseling is often based on the thought that attending means your relationship is failing. However, many couples attend therapy to maintain a healthy and thriving partnership.
And even if you are trying therapy to work through issues or conflict, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Attending therapy at all is a sign that you’re committed to improving your relationship, which is a great sign!
2. Couples counseling is only for married couples.
Couples counseling can benefit any type of relationship, not just those who are married. Whether you’re dating, engaged, or living together, counseling can help you develop a stronger bond, improve communication skills, and manage conflicts more effectively.
3. Therapists will take sides and pick a “winner” in the relationship.
A therapist should never be picking sides! This is one of the most incorrect myths about couples therapy. Professional therapists aim to remain neutral and help both partners navigate their issues. Their goal is to assist you in understanding one another’s perspectives and work towards finding common ground, rather than focusing on who is “right” or “wrong.”
Besides, in most conflicts between couples, there isn’t one person who is wrong anyway. Instead, there’s often a lack of understanding or miscommunication at the heart of relationship issues.
4. Couples counseling is a last resort; it means the relationship is doomed.
Many couples view counseling as a last-ditch effort before breaking up, but this is a misconception. Seeking couples counseling early on can help to address and resolve issues before they escalate, preventing further damage to the relationship. In fact, many successful couples view therapy as a proactive measure to maintain their connection.
5. Couples counseling is a quick process, and you’ll see immediate results.
Unfortunately, like many things in life, good things come to those who wait. And while you may be able to work through some conflicts fairly quickly through couples counseling, therapy is usually an ongoing process. It may take some time to see significant improvements. How long couples therapy takes to work will depend on the complexity of your issues and your commitment to making changes.
While some couples only attend therapy for a few months to work through specific issues or navigate a major life change, others will attend for years or even throughout the life of their relationship to keep their connection strong.
6. You must be in an extremely dysfunctional relationship to benefit from counseling.
This common myth about couples therapy is far from the truth. Couples with minor conflicts or small misunderstandings can also benefit from counseling. In fact, addressing these issues before they grow into larger problems can lead to an even stronger and healthier relationship.
Whether you’re welcoming a baby to your family, navigating a cross-country move or dealing with disagreements about money, attending couples counseling can help – even if the rest of your relationship is strong.
7. Couples counseling is only for romantic relationships; it doesn’t apply to friendships or family relationships.
Although couples counseling usually focuses on romantic relationships, therapists can also work with people in various types of relationships, including friendships and family dynamics. Ultimately, therapy is about improving communication, understanding, and connection, which can apply to any relationship.
Depending on the type of support you need, you may work with a couples therapist, a family therapist or even an individual therapist. An experienced counselor can help determine who can best help you navigate whatever relationship challenges you’re facing.
8. You have to share all your personal secrets and intimate details with the therapist.
The goal of therapy is to create a safe and trusting environment for open communication. While it’s important to be honest with your therapist and vulnerable with your partner during sessions, you can choose what you feel comfortable sharing. Therapists are trained to respect your privacy and boundaries and they won’t pressure you to disclose any details you don’t feel safe sharing.
9. Therapists will judge and criticize your relationship choices.
Therapists are not here to judge! Trust us, we’ve seen just about everything when it comes to relationship challenges, and we’re committed to approaching any conflict, dynamic or issue with empathy.
A couples counselor’s role is to facilitate communication between you and your partner and help you navigate your unique relationship concerns. They will not critique your decisions, but rather support you in working through challenges.
10. Couples counseling is too expensive and only for the affluent.
This is one of the most common misconceptions about couples therapy. Part of this myth stems from the fact that many couples therapists don’t take insurance. While this can make accessing therapy hard for some couples, many therapists offer sliding scale fees to accommodate different budgets. You may also be able to get reimbursed by your insurance company for couples therapy sessions, even if your therapist doesn’t accept insurance.
11. If one partner refuses counseling, there’s no point in seeking help.
It is still possible to benefit from attending individual therapy for relationship help, even if your partner is not willing to participate. A therapist can help you gain a better understanding of your own thoughts and feelings and provide guidance on managing your relationship issues. Working with a therapist can also help you improve your communication skills and give you a safe, neutral place to talk through your challenges.
12. Couples therapy will make your relationship worse.
We hear this concern from potential couples counseling clients all the time: “Will couple’s therapy make things worse?” It’s totally normal to worry about “rocking the boat” when it comes to your relationship. But the purpose of couples therapy is to help you and your partner grow as individuals and as a couple together. While addressing deep-rooted issues can bring about temporary discomfort, it ultimately leads to a healthier and stronger relationship.
13. Going before you are married means that your relationship is not meant to be and you might as well just break up.
Going to couples therapy before you’re married is not a sign of a doomed relationship! In fact, premarital counseling can actually be a proactive step toward building a strong and lasting relationship. It helps address potential issues early on, gives you tools for navigating through different stages of marriage, and strengthens your commitment.
While some couples who attend therapy do eventually break up, attending therapy is not a sign that the same will happen to you. If anything, it’s a sign that you and your partner are both deeply committed to your relationship.
14. You should be able to figure stuff out on your own.
Seeking help does not mean there is something wrong with you or your partner. Couples often have a hard time solving conflicts on their own because they are too emotionally close to the issue at hand. Working with a couples therapist can give you a neutral, third-party view of your challenges and help you each see things from a different perspective.
Couples counseling is a valuable resource for strengthening your relationship, enhancing communication skills, and addressing common concerns. Embracing counseling is a sign of maturity and commitment to your partnership.
Common Types of Couples Therapy
If we’ve busted enough myths about couples therapy for you and you’re ready to find a therapist, then it’s time to start exploring some of the top types of couples therapy available.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is an approach that focuses on the emotional bond between partners. In EFT sessions, you and your partner will explore patterns of interaction that contribute to emotional distance or disconnection. By creating a safe environment in which you both can discuss your feelings, EFT helps strengthen your emotional connection and improve communication skills.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method is based on the extensive research of Dr. John Gottman and his work on the factors that contribute to successful relationships. This approach emphasizes practical, research-based interventions to help you and your partner build a stronger bond. The Gottman Method focuses on improving communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy in your relationship by teaching effective communication strategies and problem-solving skills.
Imago Therapy
Imago Therapy is another form of couples counseling that addresses the unconscious factors that influence your choice of partner and patterns of interaction within your relationship. In Imago Therapy sessions, you will explore your past experiences and how they impact your current relationship dynamics. Through this exploration, you will gain new insight into your partner’s needs and feelings and develop a deeper understanding of how to address your own needs within the relationship.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital Counseling is a specialized form of couples therapy that aims to help couples build a strong foundation for their future together before getting married. It often includes discussing your expectations about marriage, learning communication skills, addressing any potential areas of conflict, and creating a shared vision for your life together. This type of counseling can help you and your partner build a solid base for a long-term, healthy marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy
Should I do couples therapy or break up?
The answer to this question is a deeply personal one. While some couples should break up for the health and happiness of the individuals involved, other couples can absolutely resolve conflict through couples counseling. Attending couples counseling can actually help you make the decision of whether to break up or stay together.
Can a therapist see partners separately?
Yes, they can! Many couples therapists will occasionally offer individual counseling sessions to each member of a couple individually to gain a better understanding of their inner dialogue, attachment style and relationship history. These individual sessions can give the therapist many key insights into how to better help the couple manage conflict or improve communication.
Does couples therapy mean your relationship is over?
Absolutely not! While some couples who go through therapy will ultimately break up or get divorced, committing to couples therapy is a big step toward the health of your relationship. In some ways, couples therapy means the next phase of your relationship is just beginning!
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
If you and your partner both want to be together, therapy can help you get closer than ever. An analysis of emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFT) found that 90% of couples significantly improve their relationship and 70-70% of couples no longer fit the criteria for “relationship distress” after treatment.
In general, both partners should be present for couples therapy sessions to address issues and work on their relationship. However, there may be instances when individual sessions are necessary to address specific personal concerns. It is essential to discuss with your therapist about the best approach for you and your partner.
Is couples therapy only a short-term solution?
The length and duration of couples therapy can vary based on the needs and goals of each couple. It can be short-term, focusing on specific issues, or long-term, addressing more deep-rooted problems and fostering personal growth. Ultimately, the success and timeline of your therapy will depend on the commitment and effort put in by you and your partner.
Ready to Start Couples Therapy?
Now that we’ve debunked some of the most common misconceptions and myths about therapy for couples, are you ready to try therapy for your relationship? Contact Couples Learn to explore all our couples therapy offerings and determine the best fit for you and your partner.
Between contentious political elections, a global pandemic, major Supreme Court decisions and evolving social justice issues…there’s a lot to disagree on these days. If the last few years have brought to light different values in a relationship, you’re not alone.
It’s hard enough when you don’t agree with your partner on where to go out to dinner or how to spend your money. But what do you do when you’re married to or dating someone with different values?
Whether you have different religious, political or moral views than your partner, it can be a point of major conflict. So can a relationship work if you have different values? (Short answer: yes. If both parties are willing to communicate, listen and work together.)
Keep reading to learn what to do when values conflict.
Can a relationship work if you have different values?
When you and your partner disagree on a big life decision or a core value, it can feel like your relationship is doomed. But it is possible to have a happy, healthy relationship even if you do have some different views.
Like anything in relationships, however, the success of your partnership will depend on how you handle a difference in opinion.
The first thing to consider is why having different values in a relationship is causing conflict for you and your partner.
Are you disagreeing on political or religious views and simply want the other person to agree? Or do you have different viewpoints on a deeply personal subject such as abortion or LGBTQ rights?
In other words, is there an opportunity to “agree to disagree,” or are you disagreeing on something that significantly impacts the way you want to live your life (and who you want to live it with)?
There are many couples who experience different values in a relationship. Once you get clear on why this difference of opinion is causing conflict, it becomes easier to discuss and (hopefully) solve the problem.
How do you handle different values in a relationship?
Managing different values in a relationship all comes down to communication. There are plenty of long-lasting couples with different political views or couples with different religious beliefs.
If you can communicate – and disagree – respectfully, you can give your relationship a fighting chance to make it through.
Communicate your point of view – and listen to theirs.
The first step toward discussing important values in relationships is to have an actual conversation. This doesn’t mean having yet another yelling match after watching the news. It means sitting down, sharing your perspective and genuinely trying to understand your partner’s point of view.
Try to get to the heart of why your partner’s point of view makes sense to them. Remember, we all have different worldviews shaped by how we grew up, the influences we have as children and adults, our education and past experiences.
Childhood affects adult relationships in so many ways! Just because someone has different values from you, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are wrong (and vice versa).
Learn to fight fairly
Having different values in a relationship isn’t easy. And discussing those views is bound to bring up conflict (that is why you’re reading this, right?!). So it’s important that you learn to fight fairly – even when you’re really fired up.
Fighting can even help you feel more connected to your partner if you do it well because it can help each person feel heard. While you may never come to a compromise or see eye to eye on your political, religious or moral disagreements, you can ensure that the fights themselves aren’t what leads to the end of your relationship.
Some simple tips to fight fairly include:
Pause: If you can feel your blood boiling, it’s best to take a break and take a few breaths before continuing your conversation. Communicate with your partner that you need a few minutes (or longer) to cool off and make a plan to continue the conversation at a certain time.
Focus on the issue at hand: Try to avoid letting a fight about one issue spiral into a blow-up about every conflict you’ve ever had. It’s easier said than done but it won’t help either of you to bring up past hurts that aren’t involved in your disagreement.
Don’t speak in absolutes: It’s unlikely your partner “always” tries to argue with you or “never” tries to see your point of view. Try not to use that kind of language, and remind your partner to avoid it as well.
Speak in “I” phrases: The easiest way to avoid accusations and placing blame is by focusing on how you feel. Instead of “you always bring this up” try “I feel like we end up discussing this a lot.”
Be kind: You may never agree with your partner’s point of view. But having different values in a relationship is not an excuse for name-calling or mistreatment. Speak kindly to each other, even when fighting.
Determine your deal breakers
So far we’ve been looking for ways to discuss and come to terms with different values in a relationship. But there may be times when this just isn’t possible. Some important values in a relationship are so important they will make or break the partnership.
The key here is to determine what your deal breakers are. For example, you might be OK disagreeing about which political candidate to vote for (even if it does lead to impassioned arguments). You may not be OK, however, being with someone who disagrees on a social issue that impacts your life, such as abortion or LGBTQ rights.
The sooner you can decide what core values in a relationship you want to share with your partner, the sooner you can figure out your next steps.
How do I talk to my partner about values?
If you’ve been with your partner for more than a few weeks, chances are you may have already had a few discussions about your beliefs, views and values. But if it hasn’t come up – or if you’ve been avoiding these talks altogether – then there’s no time like the present to start a conversation.
It may not be easy to talk about potentially contentious topics, but it’s a heck of a lot easier to do it when you’re dating someone with different values than when you’re married or having kids with them!
So, how can you start a conversation? The best place to start is by listing out your deal breakers, values and big life decisions that you have strong opinions about.
Remember to talk respectfully about these topics, and to do your best to truly listen and understand where your partner is coming from. This doesn’t mean you need to change your mind, but it does mean at least trying to see things from your partner’s perspective.
If you’re preparing for marriage, an online premarital counselor can help you and your partner talk through these important discussions before the big day and build key communication skills for future conflicts.
Need more help managing different values in a relationship?
If you’re in a relationship with different values, you may be conflicted about whether to stick it out or cut and run. If you’ve tried to work it out on your own and are still struggling, it may be time to call in a professional.
An online couples therapist can help you and your partner discuss your differences more effectively, and can help you each identify how your childhood, past experiences and worldviews impact your values. A therapist can also help you work together to determine if you want to stay in your relationship, or if your difference in values is enough to call it quits.
Whatever you decide, working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner navigate your emotions about the situation. If you’re ready to get help with different values in a relationship, contact Couples Learn to explore our online couples therapy services or book a free 30-minute consultation to get started.
Want to read more about this subject? Check out Couples Learn founder Dr. Sarah Schewitz featured in a recent Washington Post article.
You’re getting married! It’s time to pick a caterer, a photographer, a florist, and a therapist for premarital counseling online. Hold up. Did you say therapist?
Yes, I did!
It turns out there are a whole lot of issues that many couples forget or are too shy to discuss before getting married. Seeing a couples therapist for premarital counseling online is a great way to get these topics out in the open and come to decisions about them before problems arise.
What is premarital counseling? It’s a multi-part process that starts with an assessment of both partners as individuals and as a couple. This helps you and your therapist understand where you are aligned and where you are not.
The premarital counseling assessment then acts as a personalized guide for the topics you’ll discuss in counseling. In your sessions, you’ll learn about each other’s emotional needs, personality types, communication styles and more.
If you’re considering premarital counseling online, questions about how it might impact your relationship are common. But there are many premarital counseling benefits. In fact, couples who engage in premarital therapy prior to their wedding day have a 30% lower chance of divorce than those who don’t.
Let’s dig deeper into some of the common questions we hear about doing premarital counseling online.
Won’t premarital counseling stir things up unnecessarily?
Now, some of you may be worried about seeing a premarital counselor because you don’t want to “rock the boat” or start trouble where there is none. I get that and I want to reassure you that premarital therapy is NOT about creating problems and starting fights.
Premarital counseling is actually about preventing problems, deepening your connection, getting to know each other better than ever, and getting clear on your values and expectations for marriage and your future life together.
Will I be forced to share things I don’t want to share in premarital counseling?
Maybe you’re afraid you’ll find out or be forced to share things about yourself and your soon-to-be-spouse that you’d rather not talk about. Trust me, it’s better to know now!
First of all, most things can be worked out through negotiations and good communicationwith the help of your premarital counselor. Fortunately, you will learn a lot about healthy and effective communication in premarital therapy. That said, if there is a deal-breaker in your relationship, it’s much better to find out before your big day. I know it sounds extreme and heartbreaking but calling off a wedding is a lot easier than getting a divorce.
What will we do in premarital counseling online sessions?
Ok, enough doom and gloom, geez! If you are considering pre-marriage counseling, you might be wondering what you will talk about with your therapist. Everyone does things a little differently, but here are some of the premarital counseling topics we cover with our online couples therapy clients at Couples Learn.
Premarital Counseling Assessment
Premarital counseling online programs at Couples Learn start with an assessment. This is where you’ll learn about each other’s emotional needs, personality types, communication styles and more using various assessment measures based on your individual needs.
Communication Exercises
It’s always important to set the groundwork of effective communication in premarital counseling before getting into the hard stuff. And trust me, there will be hard stuff that comes up in your marriage no matter how perfect you are for each other. If you know how to talk about issues as they arise, you’ll likely have many fewer and less severe issues throughout your marriage. In premarital therapy we teach couples specific communication techniques that include learning how to empathize with and validate each other to make sure both parties feel heard and understood.
Premarital Counseling Topics
Once you know how to communicate, then we can start getting into some other premarital counseling topics, including the future you envision for yourself and your marriage.
Kids
Do you want kids? How many? Would you be open to adoption if the need arose? How about in-vitro? What kind of parenting style do you think you will use? Would you be okay if your spouse believed in spanking? How will you handle it if your spouse decides after trying for 2 years that they no longer want kids?
Some of these may seem like worst case scenarios, but, again, premarital counseling is all about helping you be better prepared for marriage. Plus, as long as one of you isn’t dead-set for kids while the other is dead-set against them, we should be able to work things out with proper communication.
Money
Premarital counseling is a great place to talk through some of the money issues that often cause issues in marriages. How will money be handled in your relationship? Will you share an account or keep separate ones? If one of you is a saver and the other is a spender, how will you handle these differences? What limits will you put in place (e.g. talk to each other before spending more than $100) to ensure that major decisions are made as a couple?
Different money-styles brings many married couples into couples therapy. Talking about these things in advance during premarital therapy can save you from headaches (and thousands of dollars in fees) later. See, you’re already making good financial decisions together by investing in premarital counseling now!
Sex
How often would you each like have sex once you are married? Will you have regular date nights? What does each of you like/dislike in bed? What are your fantasies? What are you willing/not willing to try? How will you let your partner know if you feel you are letting your romantic life slide?
The busier you get, the more you may need to rely on a bit of planning to ensure that your sex-life stays active. In premarital counseling online, you’ll learn a simple and fun way to make sure you keep having sex no matter how busy you are.
Religion
What religion, if any, do you practice? How about your fiancé? If you plan on having children, will you want religion to be a part of their lives? If so, how much a part? Discussing these topics in premarital counseling can help reduce potential conflicts in this area later on.
Values
A related issue is that of values. Even if you don’t practice a particular religion, are there values that are important to you? For example, do you believe in “The Golden Rule,” of treating others as you’d like to be treated, or are you more of a “fend for yourself” kind of person? A premarital counselor can help you identify how your values – and those of your partner – align or differ, and can work on proper communication to navigate any differences.
Politics
The country has become more and more divided when it comes to politics. Will or does this play a part in your relationship? How would you handle one of you changing political parties? Would it matter? While politics may seem like a small issue when it comes to marriage, discussing it in premarital counseling can ensure it doesn’t become a big issue down the line.
Dreams
It’s important that your partner knows about the dreams that you have for yourself and your family. What are the hopes and wishes you want to achieve one day? How can you support each other in achieving those dreams?
Have you always wanted to live out of the country? Is it your goal to go skydiving one day? Let’s discuss these topics during premarital counseling to make sure that your partner will be on board (pun intended!).
Getting Started with Premarital Counseling Online
This article covers a basic list of the premarital counseling topics you might discuss during a session. But the process should be slightly different for everyone and tailored to your specific wants and needs as a couple.
If you’re interested in finding a premarital counselor to help you prepare for a happy marriage, it’s important to understand your options. Doing premarital counseling online, for example, can be a great way to fit couples therapy into your busy lives – especially when you’re planning a wedding!
If you would like to learn more about how premarital therapy can help your relationship, contact Couples Learn today!
