The roommate phase is when a romantic relationship starts running on logistics instead of intimacy. You still share a home, a calendar, and a running list of things that need doing, but the affection, curiosity, and emotional closeness have quietly drained out of it. Therapists often call this roommate syndrome. It usually develops through slow drift rather than any single betrayal, and for most couples it is reversible.
Here is the part people actually want to know: feeling like roommates does not mean you fell out of love or picked the wrong person. It means the relationship stopped getting fed. Connection is not self-sustaining. It runs on attention, and when attention goes to work, kids, and logistics for long enough, the romantic part goes quiet. The fix is not a grand gesture. It is changing what you both do on an ordinary Tuesday.
You love them. You picked them. Maybe even married them. And yet somehow… it feels more like you’re sharing a lease than a life. If your relationship feels like roommates, you’re not alone — and no, you’re not crazy.
Welcome to roommate syndrome, where romantic connection quietly packs its bags and moves out, leaving you and your partner in the emotional equivalent of bunk beds. It happens to married couples, new parents, long-time live-ins, and yes, even the people who “never thought it would happen to us.”
But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you’re stuck. Let’s get into why it happens, how to spot it, and – most importantly – what to do about it.
Key Takeaways
Roommate syndrome is emotional disconnection, not falling out of love. Two people who still care about each other stop turning toward each other, and the relationship reorganizes around tasks.
The clearest sign is loneliness in the same room. If you feel more alone with your partner than you do by yourself, that is the roommate phase, not a rough week.
It is extremely common, especially for parents of young kids and dual-career couples. Common does not mean harmless. It means predictable, and predictable things can be prevented.
Apathy is more dangerous than conflict. Couples who fight are still engaged. Couples who have stopped bothering are the ones I worry about.
Most couples recover from this, but not passively. Reconnection requires both partners changing daily behavior, and couples therapy shortens the process considerably when the drift has lasted years.
What Is Roommate Syndrome in Relationships?
Roommate syndrome is exactly what it sounds like: when two people in a romantic relationship start operating more like logistical partners than lovers. You manage a home, maybe raise kids, split the chores… but the intimacy? The closeness? The “I see you” energy? Up in smoke.
It’s what happens when the emotional glue that holds a couple together starts to dry up. And spoiler alert: it usually doesn’t happen all at once. It sneaks in quietly, through skipped date nights, unsaid feelings, and unreturned touches.
At its core, roommate syndrome is about emotional disconnection. The physical intimacy fades. Conversations turn transactional. Your partner becomes the person you text about milk, not the person you turn to when life punches you in the gut.
7 Signs You’re More Like Roommates Than Romantic Partners
Let’s call it what it is. If you’re living like roommates, there are clear signs (and no, you’re not imagining them). Here are some common signs that your relationship feels like roommates.
1. You feel lonely, even when you’re together
This is one of the most heartbreaking signs of all. You’re physically in the same space, but emotionally miles apart. Loneliness inside a relationship is often worse than being alone, because you expect connection and feel the absence of it even more deeply.
2. Physical affection is nonexistent
No hand-holding. No real kisses. Maybe not even hugs. When touch disappears, so does a powerful form of communication and connection. Even small gestures – like placing a hand on their back or kissing them goodnight – play a role in maintaining intimacy.
3. You only talk about logistics
Your conversations have turned into a running to-do list: the dog needs shots, the laundry is still in the washer, and the school form is due tomorrow. Necessary? Sure. But if that’s all you’re talking about, your relationship is surviving, not thriving.
4. You don’t do anything fun together anymore
Remember when you used to enjoy each other’s company? If your idea of quality time is catching up on household tasks or watching reruns out of sheer exhaustion, it’s time to rethink how you’re connecting.
5. You live on different schedules
Whether it’s sleeping in separate rooms or simply staying up at opposite times, not sharing space regularly erodes connection. Sure, life gets busy. But consistent disconnection starts to feel more like avoidance over time.
6. You crave more, but don’t say anything
Maybe you’re worried it will lead to conflict. Maybe you’ve asked before, and nothing changed. Whatever the reason, keeping quiet only reinforces the distance. And over time, unspoken needs turn into emotional resignation.
7. It feels easier not to deal with it
This is a dangerous one. When you’d rather stay in your emotional corners than try to reconnect because trying feels like “too much,” it means apathy is setting in. And apathy is a much bigger threat than conflict. Consider this a major red flag for your relationship.
Why Does My Relationship Feel Like a Roommate? 7 Causes of Roommate Syndrome
Now that we understand the signs of roommate syndrome, let’s dig deeper into the underlying causes of the roommate phase. Stop guessing and start understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface of your relationship.
1. You’ve both emotionally checked out
Emotional withdrawal is usually mutual – even if one partner started it. Over time, life stressors can make emotional connection feel like a luxury, so both people start pulling inward. You stop sharing vulnerable thoughts, stop turning toward each other for support, and settle into a cycle of surface-level interactions. And once the emotional “checking out” begins, it becomes a self-reinforcing pattern that’s hard to break without intention.
2. You stopped spending meaningful time together
Quality time doesn’t mean zoning out next to each other during a TV show. It means undistracted, intentional moments that build closeness. And if you’re not carving those out, disconnection is inevitable. For many couples (especially parents), the relationship gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. And let’s be honest: no relationship thrives on leftovers.
3. Routine has become your love language
While a shared rhythm can be comforting, over-relying on routine can kill novelty and desire. If every day feels like a repeat of the last (same schedule, same conversations, same couch slouch), it’s no wonder the spark fades. Familiarity can breed boredom when it’s not paired with emotional or physical engagement.
4. You only talk about practical stuff
When your conversations revolve around groceries, appointments, and who’s picking up the kids, you’re operating like coworkers, not partners. Deep conversations – about fears, dreams, or even just how your day felt – are what keep emotional intimacy alive. Without them, it’s easy to drift apart emotionally, even if you’re technically still “doing life together.”
5. Your emotional needs aren’t being met
Maybe you’ve tried to express your need for more affection, more quality time, or more appreciation, but it hasn’t changed. Or maybe you’ve stopped asking altogether. Either way, chronic unmet needs lead to resentment, withdrawal, and a sense that your partner just doesn’t see you anymore.
6. Attachment styles are clashing
If one of you tends to need closeness while the other values space, you might be locked in a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. These dynamics – often caused by different attachment styles – can create tension, communication issues, misinterpretation, and ultimately emotional shutdown if you’re not aware of them. The result? A growing emotional gap that starts to feel like a brick wall.
7. You stopped fighting, and called it peace
This one surprises people. Couples in the roommate phase often tell me they have “no real problems” because they never argue anymore. But conflict avoidance is not the same thing as harmony. When you decide an issue is not worth raising, then decide the next one is not worth raising either, you are not resolving anything. You are shelving it. Eventually there are so many shelved topics that the only safe conversation left is logistics.
The Gottman Institute’s research on bids for connection found that couples who stayed together responded to each other’s small attempts at connection far more often than couples who later divorced. A bid is tiny: a comment about something outside the window, a hand on the arm, a “look at this.” Missing them once is nothing. Missing them for years is how you end up feeling disconnected from someone you live with. If the underlying problem is that you have both stopped bringing things up at all, start with our guide to communication issues in relationships.
Is the Roommate Phase Normal in a Relationship?
All of this sounds like a major relationship problem, right? Well, here’s some good news. Your relationship feeling like roommates is totally normal and completely fixable. It’s also totally not something you want to settle into long-term.
Many couples, especially those juggling young kids, careers, and aging parents, find themselves in this phase at some point. Life gets full, and the relationship starts running on autopilot.
But here’s the truth: intimacy doesn’t just disappear. It fades when we stop watering it. And the longer you stay stuck in this phase, the harder it gets to crawl back out.
How to Keep Your Relationship From Feeling Like Roommates
The best time to work on your relationship was yesterday. The second-best time? Now. Here’s how to prevent roommate syndrome before it takes over:
Do weekly check-ins. Talk about more than schedules. Ask, “How are you really doing?”
Carve out intentional time. 30 minutes of no-screens, no-kid-interruptions time together beats hours of distracted togetherness.
Prioritize physical affection. A 10-second kiss, a warm hug, holding hands — it matters.
Don’t let chores replace connection. Yes, the dishwasher needs unloading. But so does your emotional baggage.
Keep growing together. Try a new hobby, take a class, or just ask your partner a new question. Curiosity keeps connection alive.
How to Get Out of the Roommate Phase in a Relationship
If you’re already deep in the roommate phase and wondering if you ever won’t feel like your partner is just a nice person who lives with you, then it’s time to do some damage control.
This isn’t about slapping on a date night and hoping for the best. You need a real plan: one that includes you both showing up differently. Here’s how to start.
1. Own what’s really happening
Stop pretending it’s “just a busy season” if that season has lasted three years. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Say what’s not working. Say what you miss. Say what you want. Awareness is always step one.
2. Reconnect with curiosity
Ask them something real. Something beyond the grocery list. “What’s been weighing on you lately?” “What do you wish we did more of together?” Curiosity is connection’s secret weapon. And it reminds both of you that you’re still people, not just co-parents or co-habitants.
3. Start small with physical touch
Don’t wait until you’re “in the mood.” Affection builds momentum over time. A hand on the shoulder, a long hug, sitting closer than usual – these small actions can reopen the door to physical connection.
4. Schedule real date nights
And no, running errands together doesn’t count. Plan something with actual intention. Dress up. Go somewhere. Talk about things that make you laugh or think, not just your calendar.
5. Get professional support
Sometimes you need a third party to help you break the cycle. Therapy isn’t just for couples on the verge of breaking up – it’s for couples who don’t want to get to that point. A good couples therapist will help you find your way back to emotional and physical connection.
Can a Relationship Come Back From the Roommate Stage?
Absolutely. But not if you pretend it’s fine. Not if you blame the other person without taking ownership. And not if you expect a fresh spark to show up while you sit back and do nothing.
Love isn’t passive. It’s a choice. And it’s one you have to make every day.
The good news is, if you both have any willingness to work on your partnership, then you’ve got a path back. You can go from parallel lives to partners again. From emotionally distant to deeply connected. It’s not magic. It’s just intentional action.
Can Couples Therapy Help When You Feel Like Roommates?
Yes, and roommate syndrome is one of the situations couples therapy handles best, because the problem is a pattern rather than a crisis. There is no betrayal to process and no single fight to untangle. There is just a slow mutual withdrawal that neither of you chose on purpose and neither of you can see clearly from the inside.
That last part is the reason therapy works here. When you have been drifting for three years, you have both built a story about why. Yours probably involves how much you have been carrying. Theirs probably involves how unavailable you have seemed. Both stories are partly true and neither one is the whole picture, and you cannot referee that yourselves at 10pm on a weeknight.
In my practice, work with roommate-phase couples usually focuses on four things:
Naming the cycle out loud. One of you withdrew, the other withdrew in response, and it compounded. Once you can both see the loop, it stops being about who cares less.
Rebuilding emotional risk tolerance. Saying “I miss you” to someone you live with is genuinely vulnerable when you have not said anything real in months. Therapy gives you a structured place to practice it.
Restarting physical affection deliberately. Most couples in this phase are waiting to feel like it. Waiting does not work. Affection comes back through repetition, not inspiration.
Rebalancing the invisible load. Roommate dynamics are often downstream of one partner running the household while the other executes assigned tasks. That is a management structure, not a partnership, and it is difficult to feel romantic toward your project manager.
Approach matters less than fit, but for this specific pattern Emotionally Focused Therapy tends to be a strong match, because it is built around exactly this cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. Practical, skills-based couples therapy also works well when the main issue is that connection has simply stopped being scheduled.
How long does it take? Most couples I see in the roommate phase notice something shifting within four to six sessions, usually not “the spark is back” but something smaller and more useful, like a real conversation happening without either of you managing it. Full reconnection typically takes a few months. That sounds slow until you compare it to how long the drift took.
One caveat worth saying plainly. If one partner has already emotionally exited and is only attending to prove they tried, therapy is unlikely to change much. That is a different situation, and it is worth reading about the pros and cons of couples therapy before you book. If you are not sure whether you have hit that point, our post on signs you need couples therapy is a decent gut check.
Roommate Syndrome FAQs
The questions I get asked most by couples who feel like they are sharing a lease instead of a life.
What is the roommate phase in a relationship?
The roommate phase is when a romantic relationship starts running on logistics instead of intimacy. Partners still share a home, finances, and daily responsibilities, but affection, curiosity, and emotional closeness have faded. Conversations become transactional, physical touch becomes rare, and both people feel more like cohabitants than partners. It is also called roommate syndrome.
Is it normal for a relationship to feel like roommates?
Yes. It is especially common among couples with young children, couples working demanding jobs, and couples who have been together long enough for routine to take over. Normal does not mean acceptable as a permanent arrangement, though. The longer a couple stays in this phase, the more the distance starts to feel like the relationship itself rather than a stage of it.
How long does the roommate phase usually last?
There is no set length, because the roommate phase does not resolve on its own the way a stressful season does. It lasts until something changes it. Some couples move through it in a few months once they notice it and start turning toward each other again. Others stay in it for years, because nothing about it is urgent enough to force the issue.
Does couples therapy help when you feel like roommates?
Yes. Roommate syndrome responds well to couples therapy because the underlying problem is a repeating pattern of mutual withdrawal rather than a single crisis, and patterns are difficult to see from inside them. Therapy typically focuses on naming the withdrawal cycle, rebuilding the ability to take small emotional risks, restarting physical affection deliberately, and rebalancing the household load. Emotionally Focused Therapy is often a strong fit for this specific dynamic.
Can a marriage survive the roommate phase?
Most do, provided both partners are willing to change their daily behavior rather than waiting for the feeling to return first. The marriages that do not survive it are usually the ones where the distance went unnamed for years until one partner quietly decided it was permanent. Naming it early is the single biggest predictor of recovery.
What is the difference between the roommate phase and falling out of love?
In the roommate phase, the care is still there but the connection has gone dormant. You would still be upset if something happened to them, you still consider them your person, and you notice the distance and dislike it. Falling out of love usually comes with indifference rather than sadness. If reading about roommate syndrome made you feel a pang of loss, that pang is evidence the relationship still has something in it.
How Couples Learn Can Help
You do not have to wait until things are falling apart to get help with this. Online couples therapy makes it easier to actually show up, even with a full schedule and a toddler yelling in the background.
If you’d rather start on your own schedule, my Relationship Recharge course walks the two of you through getting out of the roommate phase and feeling like partners again, one step at a time.
You did not end up in the roommate phase overnight, and you will not fix it overnight either. But if you have read this far, you are already doing the part most people skip.
If you’re in a long-term relationship (maybe married) and you’re quietly thinking “I have fallen out of love” – but you’re also not totally sure – please know this: you’re not “bad” for feeling this way. Feelings can shift slowly, and many people don’t realize it’s happening until it’s already scary.
And that uncertainty – Do I really feel nothing? Is this a phase? Did we just lose the spark? Is it me? – is often the most painful part.
This post will help you sort through what might be happening, what “falling out of love” can actually mean in long-term relationships, and what to do next – without giving you false hope or pushing you toward a decision you’re not ready for. We’ll also explain how couples therapy can help when you’re stuck in the “I don’t know what I feel” zone.
First: “Falling Out of Love” Isn’t Always a Single Thing
People tend to talk about love like it either exists or it doesn’t. In real relationships, it’s more useful to think of love as a system made up of multiple parts. A common framework is Robert Sternberg’s “triangular” model, which views love as a combination of three parts:
Intimacy (closeness)
Passion (spark/attraction)
Commitment (the choice to stay and build)
In long-term relationships,any one of these facets can dip while the others remain. That matters because many couples panic when one part changes (often passion), when what’s actually happening is that the relationship needs a new kind of care, not necessarily an ending.
Is It Normal to Fall Out of Love With Your Partner?
It’s common for people in long-term relationships to feel less “in love” at points – particularly during seasons of stress, transition, resentment buildup, or emotional distance.
What’s not “normal” (or at least not something to ignore) is when the relationship becomes a steady state of:
Those are signals worth taking seriously – not as proof it’s over, but as proof it needs attention.
Signs You’ve Fallen Out of Love (and Signs You Might Be Burned Out Instead)
A lot of the information online about falling out of love include lists of “signs” that this is happening. But lists alone can be misleading because the same sign can come from different causes. For example, less intimacy could mean your relationship is done… or it could be postpartum exhaustion, grief, depression, medical changes, or resentment that’s never been processed.
To really understand if you’ve fallen out of love with your partner or if something else is going on, look for these patterns we’ve seen in our years of experience as a couples therapy practice.
1) You don’t want to share life with them anymore
One subtle shift: your partner stops being the first person you want to tell things to – good news, hard news, daily moments. That can mean disconnection… or it can mean you don’t feel emotionally safe/received.
2) There’s not just less intimacy – there’s dread or avoidance
Dry spells happen. But when there’s no form of intimacy (emotional, physical, affectionate, conversational) or you actively dread closeness, it’s a sign that something deeper is going on.
3) You’re “grieving the relationship” while still in it
Some people describe feeling like they’re mourning what they had, even though the relationship hasn’t ended. That internal grieving can be a sign of deeper disconnect – or a sign you’ve been lonely in the relationship for a long time.
4) Irritation is replacing warmth
Feeling annoyed sometimes is normal. Feeling chronically irritated (or ragey) can point to resentment, unmet needs, or patterns that have worn you down.
5) You’ve stopped reaching for their happiness (and they’ve stopped reaching for yours)
A common “quiet” sign is losing the impulse to do the small caring things – not because you’re cruel, but because you feel empty, unseen, or resigned.
6) The relationship runs on autopilot: rituals without heart
Some therapists describe this as the “automatic” relationship: same routines, same roles, but little emotional presence – like you’re roommates running a household.
7) You feel more alive away from them
This one can be clarifying: do you feel lighter when they’re not around? More energized? Like you can finally breathe?
Now the important part: the same signs can come from “not in love” or from something else.
A reputable relationship counseling perspective is that sometimes people think they’ve fallen out of love when the real culprit is:
depression/emotional numbness
hormonal or life-stage changes (pregnancy, menopause, aging)
loss of friendship and emotional intimacy
lack of “growing together” over time
accumulated hurts and disappointments that never got repaired
So before you label it “I’ve fallen out of love with my husband” (or wife/partner), it helps to do a reality check.
“Have I Fallen Out of Love?” A Clearer Way to Assess What’s Happening
Try separating your experience into three buckets.
Bucket 1: You (Individual Factors)
Ask:
Have I felt more numb, flat, irritable, or disconnected in general, not just with my partner?
Have I lost interest in things I normally enjoy?
Do I feel chronically depleted?
Depression and burnout can make everything feel empty – including love.
Also, major physical/hormonal shifts can affect attraction, energy, and emotional responsiveness in ways people often misinterpret as “I don’t love them.”
Bucket 2: Us (Relationship Dynamics)
Ask:
Have we stopped investing in the relationship the way we did early on?
Has our time together turned into logistics only?
Have we been taking each other for granted?
Often, couples fall out of love not because it “just happens,” but because they stop doing the connecting behaviors that used to keep love alive, often slowly and unintentionally.
Bucket 3: Life (External Pressure)
Ask:
Have we been hit with stressors (kids, finances, health issues, family conflict, work overload) that we never fully processed together?
Long-term stressors can trigger disconnection and pile up resentments, especially if you don’t have good repair skills.
If Bucket 1 is high, you may need individual support (and medical support, if relevant). On the other hand, if Bucket 2 is high, couples work may be the missing piece. If Bucket 3 is high, you may need both plus a practical life reset.
Why Have I Fallen Out of Love? The Two Most Common “Roots” Couples Therapists See
Every relationship is unique. But after working with hundreds of couples, we’ve identified two of the biggest reasons people end up feeling like they’ve fallen out of love with a partner.
Root #1: The Relationship Stopped Getting Nourished
Over time, many couples unintentionally move the relationship to the bottom of the priority list: less time, less play, less curiosity, less affection, less “we.”
Love doesn’t always “die.” Sometimes it gets starved.
Root #2: Unrepaired Hurts Turned Into Resentment
Hurts, anger, resentments, and disappointments can accumulate over years – often from life stressors and the way couples handle them.
And here’s the twist that can feel relieving: many people blame the problem on personality (“we’re incompatible,” “they’re selfish,” “I’m broken”), when the real culprit is often skill deficits – not knowing how to communicate, repair, or navigate hard seasons together.
That’s one reason couples therapy can be so effective: it’s not just “talking about feelings.” It’s learning how to do the hard parts differently.
What To Do If You Think You’ve Fallen Out of Love
This is intentionally not a “12-step checklist.” Think of it as a path.
Step 1: Stop trying to force a single answer today
When people feel scared, they try to “solve” the relationship immediately: Do I stay or go? But uncertainty is data. You don’t have to convert fear into a final decision overnight.
A helpful short-term goal is: get clarity, not “decide forever.”
Step 2: Tell the truth – gently, and sooner than later
One of the biggest traps is silence. People hide their doubts to protect their partner… and then distance grows in the dark.
A relationship counselor perspective: keeping your partner informed (even imperfectly) gives them the chance to show up, repair, and fight for the relationship—if they want to.
What this can sound like:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected and it scares me. I’m not blaming you. I don’t fully understand it yet, but I want us to look at it together.”
You don’t have to say “I’m not in love with you” to be honest. Lead with disconnection + desire to understand.
Step 3: Check for the “Four Horsemen” (and treat them like symptoms, not identities)
If you notice these showing up regularly, it’s not a moral failure – it’s a sign you need repair tools.
Step 4: Rebuild friendship before you try to rebuild “spark”
A lot of couples try to jump straight to romance. But many therapists see friendship as the foundation: enjoying each other, feeling liked, feeling known, being emotionally safe.
If you’re thinking you’ve “fallen out of love with husband”, ask:
When did we stop being friends?
When did we stop having real conversations?
When did “us” become purely functional?
This is one area couples therapy is great at: helping you rebuild emotional intimacy in a structured way instead of hoping it magically returns.
Step 5: Address resentment directly, with a real repair process
If resentment is present, “date nights” alone won’t fix it.
Resentment usually means:
something hurt
it didn’t get repaired
it repeated
your nervous system stopped feeling safe/soft
Repair often involves:
naming the hurt without attacking character
validating impact (not necessarily agreeing with intent)
That’s hard to do without guidance when you’re both triggered, which is why couples therapy can be a shortcut to skill-building instead of months of circular fights.
Step 6: Consider attachment dynamics (especially “distance vs. pursuit” cycles)
Some couples get stuck in a pattern where one partner pursues connection and the other withdraws. Over time, both feel unloved – one feels abandoned, the other feels crowded – and both may interpret the result as “love is gone.”
Avoidant attachment patterns, for example, can show up as discomfort with closeness or withdrawing under stress. That doesn’t mean someone can’t love deeply; it may mean their protective wiring kicks in when intimacy rises.
Therapy helps couples stop making this personal (“you don’t care”) and start seeing it as a pattern (“we’re stuck in a dance we can change”).
Step 7: Decide what “love” needs to look like in this season of life
One of the most painful misconceptions is believing love must always feel like the beginning. Expecting love to stay constant and effortless sets couples up to panic when feelings naturally change.
A healthier question than “Do I feel butterflies?” is:
Do I feel respected?
Do I feel emotionally safe?
Do we turn toward each other or away?
Do we repair after conflict?
Do I want to build a future with this person if the relationship gets healthier?
Step 8: Use a structured self-check (not just vibes)
If you want something more concrete, one clinical psychologist-style approach is to rate questions like:
Would you feel more relief than sadness if the relationship ended?
Are you more focused on what’s wrong now than what you loved before?
Are you sure your unhappiness is due to the relationship?
Do you feel more energized away from your partner?
Have you stopped putting energy into the relationship?
No quiz can make the decision for you, but structure can reduce spiraling.
Can you continue a relationship without love?
People mean different things by “love,” so let’s get specific.
Some couples stay with:
Commitment but low passion
Friendship but low romance
Shared values/parenting partnership but low emotional intimacy
That can be workable if:
There is genuine respect
Both partners consent to that reality
Neither person is silently starving
There’s honesty about what the relationship is (and isn’t)
But if “without love” really means without kindness, without tenderness, without connection, without repair, that tends to become lonely fast.
A compassionate truth: you deserve a relationship that doesn’t require you to shrink your emotional needs into silence.
When Couples Therapy Helps the Most
Couples therapy is especially effective when you’re in this exact spot:
You’re scared you’ve fallen out of love
You’re not fully sure
You want clarity and tools
You don’t want to do irreversible damage while you figure it out
In practical terms, good couples therapy helps you:
Identify the specific patterns pulling you apart (distance, conflict loops, resentment cycles)
Learn repair and communication skills (instead of repeating the same fight)
Rebuild emotional intimacy and friendship
Decide, with support, whether this relationship can become healthy again
That “skills deficit” idea matters here: many couples aren’t broken – they’re untrained.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you’re sitting with “have I fallen out of love?” and you feel scared, guilty, numb, or deeply unsure about whether to stay or go, there’s nothing weak about getting support. This is a tender, high-stakes moment, and you deserve a process that brings clarity without chaos.
At Couples Learn, a free consult is a low-pressure way to:
Talk through what you’re feeling,
Get a therapist’s perspective on what might be happening,
When it comes to choosing a couples therapist, it can be hard to know where to start. There are many different types of couples therapy out there and each one has a slightly different way of getting you to your end goal. One of the most popular methods is Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
You may have heard of Drs. John and Julie Gottman before, especially if you’ve looked at books that can help save your relationship. The Gottmans have written A LOT of great books on love and relationships and they also created the Gottman Method. The Gottman Method marriage counseling approach is unique because it is based on decades of sound psychological research.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are a married couple who are also therapists and they have spent decades figuring out what makes a healthy relationship work and what causes relationships to fail. Therapists who go through Gottman method training study this research and teach a lot of it to their clients. Honestly, we think this stuff should be taught as a high school class so you at least have the basic knowledge of how to have a healthy relationship. But it’s not so, here we are.
If you’re a science and logic type person, Gottman method couples therapy will likely be a good fit for you. Don’t worry if you’re not though – it won’t always feel like you are being scientific. Kind of like how you don’t feel like you are eating vegetables when you have spinach and artichoke dip.
What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
The Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach is great for any type of couple and it’s also an approach that translates really well for online couples therapy. Whether couples are struggling, or doing great, there will always be something to learn through this type of couples therapy. This is because the Gottman method is general enough to help any type of couple, but uses specific techniques to achieve great results.
Couples who try Gottman method marriage counseling will start by learning how healthy couples communicate and treat each other. Then, they learn how to communicate more effectively with their partners through using specific communication techniques. Dr. Gottman describes these techniques in his New York Times Bestselling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. It’s a great read for couples, married or not.
Gottman method therapy can also help you learn how to solve conflicts with your partner. Right now, for example, if you are living with your partner and noticing for the first time that they load the dishwasher all wrong, the Gottman method for couples therapy would help you learn how to bring this up in a way that would lead to a positive conversation. Before couples therapy, a conversation about the dishwasher could be loaded. (See what I did there?)
Puns aside, has that ever happened to you? You try to talk to your partner about something that seems small, and it ends up being a huge argument that leaves both of you wondering why you are together in the first place? In their research, the Gottmans found that the #1 thing couples fight about is…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It’s usually the stupid little stuff that leads to out of control fights because it’s all about how you approach it.
The unfortunate truth is, most of us never learned to communicate properly, so when we do try, we end up being too harsh or too defensive and feeling like hurt little kids. The Gottman method can be very helpful in showing you how to express yourself without falling into old patterns.
How does Gottman Method Couples Therapy work?
If you enter into Gottman Method Couples Therapy, you can expect to learn about things that make a relationship work, and things that send relationships straight into the gutter. Let’s first look at what you don’t want to do in your relationship.
Predictors of Divorce: Gottman Method Four Horsemen
Through his research, Dr. John Gottman identified four behaviors that are terrible for relationships. These are called The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse and they are predictors of divorce or breakup in a major way. The 4 Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I talk a lot about these predictors of divorce in my 4 Toxic Behaviors That Are Ruining Your Relationship article, so I’ll just give you a quick overview here.
Gottman Method 4 Horsemen: Criticism
Criticism is when you criticize your partner in a way that makes it clear that you are very unhappy with who they are as a person, not just what they did. An example of criticism is saying something like:
“You always forget to take out the garbage. You are not thoughtful at all. You probably would forget your head if it wasn’t attached to your body.”
As you can see, this is a criticism of your partner as a whole, not just the fact that they forgot to take out the garbage. Using Gottman method couples therapy, you will learn how to use a softened start-up where you share what bothers you about your partner, without making it an all out assault on their character.
Gottman Method 4 Horsemen: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a very common reaction to criticism, but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s helpful. Defensiveness happens when instead of taking responsibility for something, you turn around and blame your partner. Couples in Gottman method therapy learn how to take responsibility for their actions, which, in turn, diffuses and reduces conflict.
Gottman Method 4 Horsemen: Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when you simply shut down and become like a brick wall or shut your partner out by leaving. This often happens in response to contempt and it’s not a fruitful way to communicate.
Gottman Method 4 Horsemen: Contempt
Contempt, the number one predictor of divorce, is criticism’s mean step-sister. It occurs when you treat your partner with disrespect with the intent to harm or abuse them. Examples of contempt include being sarcastic, making fun of your partner, rolling your eyes at them, calling them names, or mimicking their body language in a mean way. Contempt is like criticism on steroids, and it will wreak havoc on your relationship.
Your Gottman certified couples therapist will teach you how to avoid these four hurtful behaviors and what to do instead (aka the antidotes to the 4 horsemen).
Sound Relationship House Theory
The Sound Relationship House Theory is the Gottmans’ way of describing what does work in a relationship. They have broken down healthy relationships into nine parts, which include:
Trust
Commitment
Building Love Maps
Sharing Fondness and Admiration
Turning Toward Instead of Away
The Positive Perspective
Managing Conflict
Making Life Dreams Come True
Creating Shared Meaning
Each of these represent aspects of relationships that are positive and healthy that you will learn if your therapist uses Gottman method therapy. These areas of the Sound Relationship House are also assessed by the Gottman Relationship Checkup, an online assessment commonly used by Gottman certified therapists.
Gottman Love Map
There are too many components of the Sound Relationship House Theory to cover in this blog post but the Gottman Love Map is an important one that we will take a moment to explore. Your Love Map is the foundation on which your relationship is built. It’s the friendship that you have and maintain with each other.
After years together, some couples stop asking each other meaningful questions that build their love maps and they just default to talking about the kids or running the household. Keeping your Love Map strong is correlated with a strong friendship and long-term romance in your relationship. Check out this blog post we wrote on 4 Ways to Strengthen Your Friendship With Your Partner to learn more about how to rebuild your Love Maps.
Now, let’s take a look at what an actual Gottman method couples therapy session would look like.
What to Expect in a Gottman Method Couples Therapy Session
If you decide that Gottman method couples therapy is right for you, the first thing that your therapist will do is conduct a thorough relationship assessment before jumping right into the therapeutic interventions. This helps you and your therapist get a clear picture of your relationship strengths and growth areas.
Your Gottman Relationship Assessment
Your Gottman certified therapist will usually have you complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup; an online questionnaire that you each fill out individually to tell the couples therapist about your experience in the relationship. It’s quite in-depth (over 400 questions) and takes 1-2 hours to complete. Your couples therapist will also meet with you and your partner together, and separately, to gather information about the two of you as part of the assessment process.
After completing the Gottman relationship assessment, your therapist will help you decide how often to come to therapy and how long your sessions will be. Sessions in our practice are usually 50 or 80 minutes. The Gottmans have found through their research that couples who attend couples therapy consistently on a weekly basis for at least the first 4-6 sessions see the best outcomes as opposed to having less frequent sessions.
Your Gottman Method Couples Therapy Sessions
During your sessions in our practice, your online couples therapist will help you use tools for better communication, such as the Gottman repair checklist, which is a list of phrases like, “I’m feeling defensive” or “I’m sorry that came out harsh” that can help diffuse arguments so they don’t escalate. In Gottman method couples therapy, you learn to manage conflict in a more productive way.
Your online marriage counselor will also help you and your partner become better friends by being nicer to each other, attending to each other’s needs, and rediscovering each other on a deeper level.
By learning to change negative patterns of communicating, and replacing them for positive ones, you and your partner will be able to heal from past hurts, create greater intimacy, and simply be able to be each other’s friends again.
Gottman Method vs EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy)
If you have been steadily reading our blog posts, you might remember an article that Shawntres Parks, LMFT wrote about EFT Couples Therapy, another popular type of couples therapy. You might be wondering what the difference is and which method would work better for you and your partner.
EFT therapy works by identifying each partner’s attachment style and providing eye-opening insights into each person’s behavior. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps you identify the cycles you get caught in when arguing with your partner and how to join forces with each other to fight the cycle rather than fighting each other. It will delve a bit more into your early attachment wounding (i.e. your relationship with your parents) than Gottman Method Couples Therapy will.
Many therapists, including the therapists at Couples Learn, use a blend of a few different types of couples therapy. EFT therapy can be used with Gottman Method Couples Therapy so that you get the best of both worlds. Many of our therapists use EFT to understand our clients better while giving them the skills and education provided by the Gottman Method. That way our clients get the best of both worlds!
Finding a Gottman Therapist
As you probably guessed by now, we offer Gottman method couples therapy at Couples Learn. Using online couples therapy, our highly skilled therapists help couples improve their relationships everyday using Gottman method, EFT, and Imago Therapy. If you are interested in learning more about online couples therapy with Couples Learn, book a free 30-minute consultation with one of our therapists today.
Can a man and a woman (or any two people who could potentially be attracted to each other), be just friends? While this has been up for debate for centuries, one thing is certain: friendship in a relationship is key for long-lasting success.
Why Friendship in a Relationship Matters
The question of friendship between men and women is nothing new. Some people believe they can be “just friends,” while others don’t think it’s possible. In reality, there’s no clear cut answer. It’s a topic that could go either way depending on the person and the situation.
But when it comes to friendship and relationships, the connection is clear: working to strengthen friendship in a marriage or other long-term relationship is a critical part of making a relationship last.
Friendship is at the core of any strong relationship. Research has shown that a high quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor of both romantic and physical satisfaction. Couples who are friends report higher levels of happiness in their relationships than couples who aren’t. Some research has even found that friendship in a marriage is five times more important than physical intimacy. Now, that’s saying something.
If you think about it, it makes sense that couples who are friends are happier than couples who aren’t. When you are friends with someone, you look forward to spending time with them, you value what they have to say, and, perhaps most importantly, you feel safe with them.
Feeling safe with your partner is extremely important, because it leads to deeper levels of intimacy and sharing. You are less likely to feel judged when you feel safe and you are more likely to have a good foundation of trust.
Ok, but what if maintaining a friendship in a relationship hasn’t exactly been at the top of you and your significant other’s priorities?
Here’s some good news! There are many wonderful ways to build, or strengthen friendship in a relationship. Here are some ways to get started.
Tips for Maintaining a Friendship in a Relationship
Are you ready to build more friendship in a marriage or other relationship? Then these simple strategies are perfect for you!
Make The Time
Just like flowers need sun and water, friendships need time and energy to grow. Set specific times that you and your partner are going to hang out alone. Consider these times a priority. If you can’t find childcare, make time to connect when the kids go to bed. Turn off all of your devices, and just talk.
Wondering what to talk about? Check out these 82 fun questions to get to know your partner all over again.
Do you and your partner both enjoy bowling? Sipping expressos? Game of Thrones? Whatever it is that you and your loved one like to do, do it together as a simple way to build a stronger friendship in a relationship.
Maybe you have an interest that you think your partner wouldn’t be into. You never know unless you ask. It’s a great bonding experience to try something new together. Plus, it’s fun to be the one to introduce a new activity into your partner’s life.
Communication, Communication, Communication
Communication is to relationships what location is to real estate. Partners who use open and honest communication are less likely to hold onto grudges and more able to forgive each other for small missteps. Plus, communication will help bring to light simple misunderstandings, that might otherwise turn into huge and messy fights.
Make communicating about your relationship a regular thing and watch your friendship grow, too. Set aside 1 hour every week or every other week to discuss your relationship. This gives you both a space to air concerns without wondering how to bring it up. But don’t just complain – let your partner know what is going well in the relationship too. Remember, building friendship in a relationship should be a positive experience!
See Your Partner For Who They Are
In my many years of working with couples, it’s become clear that most people just want to be seen for who they truly are – not who their partner wants them to be. Being a real friend to your significant other means seeing all of their parts, not just the shiny ones, and loving them anyway.
This simple act of acceptance and love is one of the best things you can do if you’re wondering how to strengthen friendship in a relationship.
Need More Help With Friendship and Relationships?
Maintaining friendship in a relationship isn’t always easy. If you’ve tried the tips above and are still struggling with friendship and marriage, then it may be time to call in a professional.
