Why do many people find giving their heart fully to someone so scary? What is the fear of opening up to their partner?
In current times we’re seeing more loneliness and more unhappy, disconnected relationships. But why is this?
Three words: “Fear of Vulnerability”.
And it’s not surprising that there is this fear… If you Google the meaning of the word “vulnerability,” a common definition is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
But let’s consider this… Is vulnerability, in the context of a relationship, really such a “bad” thing?
As peculiar as this might sound, vulnerability is an essential part of a loving, close relationship. However, unfortunately, over the years, we’ve turned the brave and tender act of being vulnerable into a weakness and turned guardedness into a strength. We’ve created a deep-seated fear around it, due to the lack of control and uncertainty of what it might lead to and the perceived pain associated with opening up to someone and being hurt.
If being vulnerable to your partner is causing you worry and ultimately leaving you feeling disconnected from your partner, you’re not alone. Nonetheless, everything in life starts with connection and this includes your relationship with your partner. Of course, there are times to be guarded, but there are also times to be vulnerable. Vulnerability increases your sense of worthiness and authenticity, which is necessary to allow you to be totally engaged in your relationship. It’s therefore vital that your fearful thoughts and feelings about vulnerability are examined.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ~ Brené Brown
If you’ve been following me for some time, you’ll know I’m all about directing you TOWARDS your empowerment. Vulnerability is such an empowering act and is the driving force of connection. Therefore, I’m going to show you how to acknowledge your fears and anxieties around being vulnerable, to leave you understanding that:
Vulnerability is actually a strength
You can be confident in accepting and embracing the risk of vulnerability
Your relationship can improve and you can live a life aligned with your authentic self by being vulnerable
You see, we make a true relationship connection when our heart touches another heart. A heart to heart connection is where there is love, understanding, compassion, kindness, and trust. However, even with great love and caring, differences and conflicts arise in every relationship and heart to heart connections can make us feel vulnerable and expose us to our partner’s judgments. As tension and strain develop, this can cause disconnection rather than a connection, robbing us of true intimacy.
If you are experiencing a disconnection in your relationship, vulnerability is a bridge to rebuilding the connection and closeness with your partner. You may have been hurt, disappointed and heartbroken, time and time again.It is therefore understandable and natural that opening yourself back up to a partner who has caused you pain, or remembering the hurtful experiences of a difficult past relationship, are likely to bring about some long-standing fears and anxieties.
Create a list of fears and anxieties
So what can you do if you’re gripped by fear and anxiety or feel unable to risk being vulnerable with your partner?
Firstly, you need to become aware of your feelings and acknowledge them. Fear doesn’t go away on its own and a helpful way to acknowledge it is to create a list of at least 5 fears and anxieties you have about being vulnerable and opening yourself up to your partner. Start the sentence with: “I’m afraid that…”
Whilst completing your list, you will probably have thoughts of “What if I get betrayed again? What if I get hurt? What if my newfound passion and hope to improve my relationship is used against me to control me?”
It’s totally okay to ask these questions. It’s human nature to want to protect ourselves from being hurt or disappointed and why would we want to experience this emotional pain again?
However, withdrawing your heart while staying in a disconnected relationship is not the answer. It is not the way to protect yourself. Will you get hurt if you let yourself feel again in your relationship, despite the pain and upset? Sure, there is a chance you could do, but not necessarily.
Here’s a question for you… What is the biggest risk worth taking? Striving for love and happiness or staying in an unhappy, lonely, empty and unfulfilled relationship that may not improve?
By facing your fears and anxieties about being vulnerable, you will notice you are a whole lot stronger than you thought you were and if things don’t go exactly right, you can still survive. You’ll also realize that the pain you experience from anticipating a worrying event is almost always worse than the pain associated with the dreaded event itself – that is, if it ever actually happens.
The empowering way to respond to the question “What if I get hurt?” is:“If my partner does do something negative or hurtful when I open up and let myself care again, I may feel pained and extremely upset, but I will survive. I will dust myself off and give it another go. It may take some time but I’m fully committed”.
[IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTICE: If you ever find yourself in a situation where your partner is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive, take immediate action to protect yourself and anyone else involved by finding a safe environment to stay, using all means necessary.]
In all reality, when we move into a position that involves emotion, caring, sharing and reaching out to another person, vulnerability is present. However, by accepting the risk of vulnerability, you have the opportunity to have the loving, fulfilled, intimate relationship you desire as opposed to hurting with no chance of having your dream.
By simply trusting yourself to be able to handle whatever your partner may do regarding your relationship, allowing yourself to feel again and believing that your relationship can improve, you can start to rebuild the connection between you both.
Here are 4 ways to help you begin to mindfully observe and examine your fearful, anxious thoughts about vulnerability nonjudgmentally so that they do not run automatically in your mind:
Observe your feelings and emotions as they happen without judgment
Notice your thoughts that happen as a result of these feelings and emotions. Ask yourself “Is this thought serving me? How do I feel about it?”Rate how strongly you feel the emotion on a scale of 1–10, with 1 being the mildest feeling and 10 the most intense
Replace judgmental thoughts with non-judgmental ones, such as “It’s okay for me to feel the way I do right now” or “These feelings are neither right nor wrong and will go away when they need to”
Continue to consciously observe feelings as they happen and any thoughts that may arise that contain judgments.
It can be easy to allow your fears and anxieties to stop you from working towards your relationship goals and dreams. However, you will go far when fear and anxiety are no longer present and you allow yourself to have the strength to completely reveal layers of yourself and be loved for who you are. While it can be a little terrifying at times, choosing to be vulnerable and then accepting it as the way you are feeling can be one of life’s most fulfilling, exciting and empowering experiences and one that transforms your relationship.
I truly hope you found this article valuable in some way. And if you have the time to do so, please share on your social media accounts, as you never know who would benefit from it as well! After all #SharingIsCaring
Wishing you the love, connection, and happiness you desire and deserve.
Teresha, The Confidence Restyler™ Xx
Known as ‘The Confidence Restyler™’, Teresha Young is an Accredited and Certified Relationship Master Coach deeply dedicated to showing women who are experiencing a disconnection with their partner, how to reconnect with who they are and find confidence within themselves, in order to have the means to rescue and repair their relationship with their partner. Her passion, purpose and pure intention is to encourage, inspire, empower, uplift, motivate, educate and support as many women as she can in their lives and relationships.
A relationship vision is a written description of the relationship you and your partner want to create, written in the present tense as if it’s already true. You each write your own version first, then combine them into one shared vision you both agree on. The exercise comes from Imago Relationship Therapy, and it helps couples stop rehashing what’s gone wrong and start building toward what they want.
If your relationship feels like it’s drifting, or you’ve just lost that loving feeling for a while, you’re far from alone. A lot of couples assume they want the same things without ever saying them out loud. Then one day you realize you’ve been working toward 2 slightly different relationships. I love this exercise because it gets both of you on the same page, and it’s kind of fun.
Key takeaways
A relationship vision describes the relationship you both want, written as if it’s already happening.
Each partner writes their own vision first, then you combine them into one shared version.
Positive, present-tense wording keeps the focus on what you’re building instead of what’s broken.
Where your visions differ, talk about what each line means to you before you compromise.
Keep the finished vision somewhere you’ll both see it every day.
The relationship vision exercise was first introduced by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in their book Getting the Love You Want. Hendrix and Hunt are also the creators of Imago Relationship Therapy, which is one of the main approaches I use with couples.
Their idea was simple. When couples work together on purpose toward a shared picture of their future, they can turn their energy away from old disappointments and conflicts. Creating the vision brings each partner’s separate dreams, desires and needs together into one joint future.
The end goal is a shared vision. But the process always starts with each of you getting clear on what you want on your own.
Why create a relationship vision?
Most of us carry around a picture of our ideal relationship. The challenge is that we rarely check whether our partner’s picture matches. You might be quietly expecting weekly date nights and a big family holiday every year, while your partner is picturing lazy Sundays and a lot more time with their friends. Neither of you is wrong. You just haven’t compared notes.
A relationship vision gives you a calm, structured way to have that conversation. It also shifts your attention. What you pay attention to in a relationship tends to grow, so when you spend more time naming what you want together, it gets easier to notice the moments when you’re already living it.
How to create a relationship vision in 6 steps
1. Write your own vision first, separately
Find some quiet time on your own and think about how you want to feel and who you want to be when you’re with your partner. Think of it like a vision board in words. Write down everything that comes to mind, big or small. Don’t edit yourself yet, and don’t peek at your partner’s list.
2. Write it in the present tense, as if it’s already true
Every line should start with “We” and describe what’s happening now, not what you hope will happen someday. “We take a walk together after dinner” works better than “We will spend more time together.”
Keep it positive, too. If you catch yourself writing something like “We don’t yell at each other,” ask yourself what the opposite of that behavior looks like. Then rewrite it as “We speak kindly to each other in a calm tone of voice, even when we’re arguing.”
3. Cover the parts of your life that matter most
It helps to think through a few areas so nothing important gets left out.
As you write, focus on what’s right between you rather than everything that drives you up the wall. Think about the things you love about your partner and the ways they make you feel loved.
Remember how easy it was at the beginning? You’re still with the same person. Back then, you overlooked a lot of their annoying habits and focused on the good stuff. Your partner didn’t change as much as your focus did. This step is about turning that focus back on.
5. Set aside an hour to create your shared vision
Once you’ve each finished your own version, set aside an hour of uninterrupted time to build your shared relationship vision. Phones away, kids asleep, maybe a glass of wine. Read your lists to each other and circle the lines you both wrote. Those go straight into your shared vision.
Where your visions differ, get curious before you negotiate. Ask your partner what that line means to them and why it matters. Sometimes “we travel a lot” really means “I want us to have adventures,” and there are a lot of ways to do that. Then find a version you both feel good about.
All you need is a simple sheet of paper or a notebook you can both write in. Or print the blank writing pages in my free Relationship Vision Guide.
6. Put it where you’ll both see it every day
Hang your finished vision on the fridge or the bathroom mirror, anywhere you’ll both see it daily. Repetition is part of what makes change last. Every few months, sit down together and reread it. Celebrate what’s become true, and update anything that no longer fits the life you’re building.
Relationship vision examples
Not sure what to write? Here’s a relationship vision example to give you some inspiration. Yours should sound like the two of you, so borrow what fits and skip what doesn’t. For 25 questions to get you both started, download my free Relationship Vision Guide.
We have date night once per week.
We hold hands, hug and kiss each other often.
We support each other’s goals and dreams.
We share household chores evenly.
We love spending time with each other’s families.
We vacation 2 times per year as a family.
We have sex 3 to 4 times per week.
We are both happy in our careers.
We have hobbies that we enjoy together as well as on our own.
We each support the other spending time with friends.
We agree on how to manage our money.
We are just as much in love as when we first started dating.
We have mutual respect for one another and speak kindly to each other, even when arguing.
Free download
Your Relationship Vision Guide
25 questions to help each of you picture the relationship you want, a sample vision to borrow from, and pages to write your own.
First, take a breath. Finding differences doesn’t mean the exercise failed or that you’re with the wrong person. It means you’re finally talking about things you’d both been assuming.
Every relationship has a few differences that never fully go away. One of you wants a big social life and the other would happily never leave the couch. That usually means you need better tools to talk about the difference, not a new partner. The goal is a shared vision you both feel good about, which almost always means a little give on both sides.
Sometimes a mismatch touches something deeper, like whether to have kids or where to live. If the same disagreement keeps stopping you in your tracks, that’s a sign it’s worth getting support to work through it together.
Relationship vision FAQs
What is a relationship vision?
A relationship vision is a written description of the relationship you and your partner want, written in the present tense as if it’s already true. Each partner writes their own version, then you combine them into one shared vision. The exercise comes from Imago Relationship Therapy, created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.
How do you write a relationship vision?
Start by writing your own list separately, with each line beginning with “We” and describing what’s happening now. Keep every statement positive, so “We don’t yell” becomes “We speak kindly to each other even when we argue.” Then sit down together, combine your lists, and talk through the lines where you differ.
What should a relationship vision include?
Include the parts of your life together that matter most to you. Most couples cover affection and sex, conflict, money, family and friends, careers, fun and travel, and how they share the household load. Big and small things both belong on it.
How often should you look at your relationship vision?
Keep it somewhere you’ll both see it every day, like the fridge or a bathroom mirror. Then sit down together every few months to reread it, celebrate what’s come true, and update anything that’s changed.
Can a relationship vision help if we’re struggling?
It can help you remember what you’re working toward and shift your focus off old conflicts. But it isn’t a substitute for working through the patterns that keep pulling you apart. If you keep getting stuck, couples therapy can help you bring your visions together and actually live them.
Need help bringing your relationship vision to life?
This exercise is a powerful one for a lot of couples. But bringing 2 separate visions together isn’t always easy, and it’s even harder to work through whatever is standing in the way of living it.
If you’d like a guided way to keep building on your vision at home, my Relationship Recharge course walks the two of you through reconnecting and creating the relationship you both want, one step at a time.
In my online couples therapy practice, I often use Imago therapy to help couples get clear on what they want from their relationship and find a path forward that feels good to both of you. Seeking help is a sign of strength. If you’re ready to start, book a free 30-minute consultation with me.
