Explore how to reconnect emotionally in a marriage, by Dr. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and founder of Couples Learn
You sit across from each other at dinner and the conversation goes something like this. Who’s picking up the kids tomorrow? Did you call the plumber? Can you move money into the joint account? Then you both pick up your phones and scroll in silence, like two strangers in a dentist’s waiting room. Nobody is fighting. Nobody is happy either. And somewhere in the back of your mind is a thought you haven’t said out loud yet. “I’m lonely, and I’m married.”
If you want to reconnect emotionally in your marriage, start small and stay consistent. Turn toward your spouse’s everyday bids for attention, protect 10 to 15 minutes a day for conversation that isn’t about logistics, and get curious about who your spouse is now. Then share one small, real feeling at a time, and clear out the old resentments that are in the way. Emotional connection comes back through many small moments of feeling seen, far more than through one big talk or a weekend away.
I’m Dr. Sarah Schewitz, a licensed psychologist, and couples who feel like strangers under the same roof are some of the people I love working with most. They usually come in convinced something has gone badly wrong. Most of the time, the love is still there. It’s just been buried under years of busy. Below is the step-by-step process I walk couples through to find it again.
Key takeaways
Emotional disconnection in marriage usually builds slowly from busy schedules, unspoken hurts, and missed moments, rather than from one big event.
Small daily actions matter more than grand gestures. Gottman’s research found couples who stayed married turned toward each other’s bids for connection 86% of the time.
Reconnection needs curiosity, a little vulnerability, and a way to talk about hard things without the conversation turning into a fight.
One partner can start the shift. You don’t have to wait for your spouse to go first.
If you try these steps and keep hitting the same wall, that wall is usually an old wound, and a couples therapist can help you get past it.
What does it mean to be emotionally disconnected in a marriage?
Emotional disconnection in a marriage means you’re still sharing a home and a life, but you’ve stopped sharing your inner worlds. You know your spouse’s schedule better than you know what’s worrying them. You talk, but mostly about tasks. Affection fades, and so does the sense that you’re on the same team.
I wrote a full breakdown of the signs and causes in my post on feeling disconnected from your partner. If your marriage has drifted so far that it runs like a household business, you may also recognize yourself in roommate syndrome in relationships. And if you’re worried the two of you want different things now, my guide on whether you’re growing apart can help you sort that out. This post is the how-to. It’s the part you can start tonight.
Why do married couples lose their emotional connection?
Most couples lose their emotional connection gradually, through hundreds of small moments where one person reached out and the other didn’t notice. Work, kids, aging parents, and money stress all compete for the same limited attention. Connection usually gets whatever is left over, and some weeks nothing is left over. If marriage after kids has hit the two of you especially hard, you’re in very good company. And if the two of you also run a business together, the company can swallow whatever attention is left. My guide for entrepreneur couples who work together covers how to protect your marriage from it.
There’s often something deeper happening too. When you reach out and get a distracted “mm-hmm,” it stings. Sound familiar? After enough of those stings, your nervous system quietly decides it’s safer to stop reaching. Your spouse is likely doing the same thing for their own reasons. Neither of you is trying to hurt the other. You’re both protecting yourselves from the pain of reaching out and missing each other, and the protection is what creates the distance.
For many of us, that pull to stop reaching started long before the marriage. If you grew up in a home where your feelings weren’t noticed or welcomed, shutting down when you feel unseen probably feels automatic. That strategy kept you safe as a kid. It’s just not getting you the closeness you want now.
How to reconnect emotionally in a marriage in 8 steps
The 8 steps build on each other, so go in order. You don’t need to master them all at once. Most couples feel a real difference from doing the first 3 consistently.
Name the distance without blame.
Turn toward the small bids.
Protect 10 minutes a day for real conversation.
Get curious about who your spouse is now.
Use a structured dialogue for the harder conversations.
Clear the resentment that’s in the way.
Bring back touch that doesn’t have to lead anywhere.
Do something new together.
Step 1. Name the distance without blame
Reconnection starts with saying out loud that you miss each other. The way you say it matters enormously. “You never talk to me anymore” will put your spouse on the defensive before they’ve heard what you really mean. Trust me, that opener never goes well. Try something closer to this.
“I’ve been missing you lately. We’ve been so busy running everything that I feel like we haven’t really talked in a long time. I’d love for us to feel close again. Would you be up for trying a few things with me?”
Notice that the message is about longing, not about what your spouse has done wrong. Longing invites your partner in, and blame gives them something to defend against. If you’re nervous about this conversation, that makes complete sense. Reaching out after a long distance is vulnerable, and you’re taking the first risk.
Step 2. Turn toward the small bids
A bid is any small attempt to get your spouse’s attention, interest, or affection. It might be “Look at this,” a sigh across the kitchen, a hand on your shoulder, or a story about their day. You can turn toward it, turn away from it, or turn against it.
For the next week, try to catch your spouse’s bids. Put the phone face down when they start talking. Look up. Respond to “listen to this” like it matters, because to them it does. Yes, even if it’s their 4th fantasy football update of the day! If you’ve started to feel like your partner takes you for granted, this step is often where that feeling begins to shift. Each one is a small deposit into what Gottman calls the emotional bank account, and those deposits are what make the bigger conversations possible later.
Step 3. Protect 10 minutes a day for real conversation
Set aside 10 to 15 minutes every day to talk about something other than logistics. No kids’ schedules, no bills, no to-do lists. Ask about the day, what felt good, what felt hard, and what’s been on their mind.
I know, I know. It sounds almost too simple. But think of how a friendship fades when you stop calling, and how quickly it warms back up once you start talking regularly again. Marriages work the same way. Consistency beats intensity every time, and 10 honest minutes a day will do more for you than one long, emotional talk once a month.
Pick a time you can actually protect, like after the kids go to bed or during your morning coffee. Phones go in another room.
Step 4. Get curious about who your spouse is now
The person you married 10 or 15 years ago has changed. So have you. You probably know your spouse’s coffee order by heart. But do you know what they’re quietly worried about at work right now? A lot of disconnection comes from relating to an outdated version of each other. Gottman calls the mental map you keep of your partner’s inner world a “love map,” and most busy couples haven’t updated theirs in years.
Ask questions you don’t already know the answers to. “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that you haven’t told anyone?” “What are you most looking forward to this year?” “What do you miss about how we used to be?”
If you want a structured place to start, psychologist Arthur Aron’s research team developed 36 questions designed to build closeness. Pairs who asked each other those questions reported a bigger increase in feelings of closeness than pairs who asked small-talk questions. They work beautifully for long-married couples too.
Step 5. Use a structured dialogue for the harder conversations
Eventually, reconnecting means talking about things that hurt. That’s where many couples get stuck, because those conversations used to turn into fights. A structure helps you both feel safe enough to stay in the room.
The one I use most with couples comes from Imago Relationship Therapy, and it has 3 parts. One of you talks while the other listens and mirrors back what they heard, without adding commentary. (“What I heard you say is that you feel alone on weeknights. Did I get that right?”) Then the listener validates, which means letting your spouse know their feelings make sense from where they sit, even if you see it differently. Finally, the listener tries to imagine what it feels like to be them and says it out loud.
Then you switch. It feels awkward and slow at first, a bit like learning to drive a stick shift. It’s supposed to. Nobody sounds smooth on their first try, I promise. Slowing down is what keeps your nervous systems out of fight-or-flight long enough to actually hear each other. You’ll find more ways to practice in these communication exercises for couples.
Step 6. Clear the resentment that’s in the way
Resentment is like sediment at the bottom of a glass. Every unspoken hurt settles there, and after a while you can’t see through the water anymore. Sometimes couples try every connection exercise on this list and still feel a wall between them. When that happens, there’s usually an old hurt that never got repaired.
Use the dialogue from Step 5 to bring those hurts up one at a time, gently. Start with something small. The goal is for the person who was hurt to feel understood, which comes before any apology or solution. I go much deeper on this in my post about dealing with resentment in relationships.
If what’s underneath is a bigger betrayal, like an affair, this step needs more care and usually professional support. You can still reconnect. It just takes a more structured process to rebuild trust first.
Step 7. Bring back touch that doesn’t have to lead anywhere
When couples drift apart, physical affection is often one of the first things to go. Sometimes one partner starts avoiding touch because it feels like it always has to turn into sex. If a shoulder rub has started to feel like a sales pitch, this step is for you. Taking that pressure away can bring back a lot of warmth. If your spouse pulls away from touch entirely, my post on why your partner doesn’t show affection goes deeper.
Start with small, everyday touch. A hand on the back as you pass in the kitchen. A longer hug when one of you gets home. Holding hands on a walk. Sitting close on the couch. Let each touch be complete on its own. Physical closeness helps your bodies feel safe with each other again, which makes emotional closeness easier too.
This doesn’t need to be a big trip. Take a cooking class, try a new hiking trail, learn a few phrases of a language, or play a game you’ve never played. What matters is that it’s new to both of you, so you get to see each other as a little unfamiliar again. Bonus points if one of you is hilariously bad at it. Laughing at yourselves together is half the fun!
What if my spouse doesn’t want to reconnect?
You can still start the shift on your own, and often that’s exactly how it begins. When one partner changes how they respond, the whole pattern between you has to change a little too. Focus on Steps 2 and 4 first, since turning toward bids and showing curiosity don’t require your spouse to agree to anything.
Be honest with yourself about your own part, too. If you’ve been the one chasing, you may need to soften the chase so your spouse has room to move toward you. If you’ve been the one pulling away, you may need to take a small risk and reach out first. Learning to co-regulate as a couple can help both of you stay calmer while things shift.
If months go by and your spouse still won’t engage, that’s important information. It might be time for couples therapy, or for individual support to help you decide what you need.
How long does it take to reconnect emotionally?
Many couples notice small changes within a few weeks of consistent effort, like more eye contact, warmer conversations, and less tension in the house. Rebuilding deep emotional intimacy in a marriage usually takes months, especially if there are old hurts to repair.
That might feel slow when you’re lonely now. Remember that the distance didn’t appear overnight, so it’s okay for closeness to take some time to return. Every small moment of connection counts, even the ones that feel awkward.
When should we get help reconnecting?
Consider couples therapy if you’ve tried these steps for a couple of months and nothing is shifting, if every attempt to talk turns into the same fight, or if one of you has started to give up. Those are signs that a deeper pattern is running the show, and patterns are hard to see from the inside.
In online couples therapy with me, we work on the specific loop the two of you get stuck in and the old wounds that keep fueling it. A lot of couples I see have drifted apart, and I find this to be some of the most hopeful work I do. Approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy and Imago were built around helping partners feel safe enough to turn back toward each other.
Frequently asked questions
Can a marriage recover from emotional disconnection?
Yes. Emotional disconnection is one of the most common reasons couples seek help, and many marriages recover from it. Recovery usually comes from consistent small actions, like turning toward each other’s bids and talking daily, along with repairing old hurts. Couples therapy can help when you keep getting stuck.
How do I reconnect with my spouse emotionally if we’re always busy?
Start with 10 to 15 minutes a day of undistracted conversation that isn’t about logistics. Put phones away and protect that time like any other important appointment. Small daily moments rebuild emotional intimacy more reliably than occasional big dates or trips.
What are signs of emotional disconnection in a marriage?
Common signs include talking mostly about tasks, feeling lonely even when you’re together, less affection, avoiding hard conversations, and not knowing what’s going on in your spouse’s inner life. You might also notice you feel more like roommates than partners. These signs usually build slowly over time.
Can one person fix an emotional disconnection?
One person can’t do all the work, but one person can absolutely start the change. When you begin turning toward your spouse’s bids and responding with curiosity, the pattern between you starts to shift. If your spouse still doesn’t engage after a sustained effort, couples therapy or individual support can help.
What is the fastest way to feel connected to your partner again?
The fastest shift usually comes from turning toward small bids for attention and having a short, phone-free conversation every day. These build a sense of safety quickly. Deeper reconnection takes longer, but those 2 habits often bring noticeable warmth within a few weeks.
Your marriage is worth this effort
If you’re reading this, you haven’t given up. You miss your spouse, and you want to feel like a team again. That longing is the best place to start from, because it tells you the connection still matters to you.
You don’t have to fix everything at once. Pick one step this week and do it consistently. Then add another. Many couples are surprised by how quickly a little warmth comes back once someone reaches out first.
If you have started looking into therapy, you have probably realized something pretty quickly: “couples therapy” is not one single thing. In fact, there are dozens of couples therapy approaches to consider when you’re looking for relationship help.
It’s not like ordering one standard relationship fix from a menu and waiting for your communication problems to arrive nicely wrapped with a bow. Different therapists use a variety of couples therapy techniques, and those approaches are built on different theories about why couples get stuck, why conflict keeps repeating, and what actually helps people reconnect.
Some approaches focus on emotions and attachment, while others are more skills-based and practical. Some dig into old wounds and unconscious patterns and some are especially helpful when trauma is part of the picture. And some are less about repairing damage and more about helping you build a strong relationship before marriage.
Those differences matter because the best couples therapy approach for your relationship depends on what is actually going wrong. If you keep having the same fight in different outfits, if one of you shuts down while the other chases, if trust has been damaged, or if your relationship is being run by unresolved trauma and nervous system overload, the right therapeutic approach can make a huge difference.
The good news? You don’t need to become a therapist to understand the basics. You just need enough clarity to recognize what these approaches are, what they are good at, and what kind of help your relationship actually needs.
What Are the Approaches to Couples Therapy?
At the broadest level, couples therapy approaches are different frameworks therapists use to help partners understand conflict, improve communication, repair trust, and build a healthier relationship.
Some of the most common approaches include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for couples, psychodynamic approaches, and Imago therapy. Many therapists also integrate multiple methods rather than rigidly sticking to just one, especially when a couple is dealing with more than one issue at a time.
That last part is important. A good couples therapist is not usually sitting there like, “Sorry, I only do one brand of healing.” Many strong clinicians are integrative. They may rely heavily on one model but borrow tools from others based on what the couple needs. So when you read about these approaches, do not think of them as seven rival sports teams fighting for dominance. Think of them as different clinical maps. Some maps are better for trauma, while some are better for emotional disconnection. Others are better for communication and conflict skills. And some are especially helpful for engaged couples who want to prevent predictable problems before they start.
How Couples Therapy Actually Works
Across approaches, effective couples therapy usually helps partners do a few core things, including:
Understand what is happening underneath the surface argument.
Increases empathy and accountability.
Gives them new ways to communicate, respond, and repair.
And ideally, it gets them to stop treating each other like the enemy when the real enemy is the pattern between them.
That is why couples therapy is not just “venting in front of a third person.” If your therapist is effective, the work is not about refereeing a live reenactment of your kitchen arguments. It is about helping both of you see the structure of what keeps happening and then changing it in a meaningful way.
Exploring the Different Couples Therapy Approaches
Below, learn more about each type of couples therapy and get help determining which is right for you and your relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is one of the best-known and most researched approaches in couples work. It was developed in the 1980s, is grounded in attachment science, and is designed to help couples identify and change the emotional interaction cycle that keeps them disconnected.
Put simply, EFT asks: what is happening emotionally underneath your fights?
Maybe one partner criticizes because they feel abandoned and the other shuts down because they feel like nothing they do is good enough. Maybe the fight about dishes is not really about dishes, because of course it is not. It is about fear, rejection, loneliness, shame, or feeling emotionally unsafe. EFT helps couples recognize those deeper emotions, express them more clearly, and respond to each other in ways that build a more secure bond.
This approach tends to be especially helpful for couples who feel disconnected, stuck in pursue-withdraw patterns, emotionally reactive, or unable to have vulnerable conversations without everything going sideways. If your relationship issue is less “we need a better spreadsheet” and more “we do not feel emotionally safe with each other anymore,” EFT is often a strong fit.
EFT may be a good fit when:
You keep having the same emotional cycle over and over.
One or both of you feels unseen, rejected, or alone in the relationship.
Conflict quickly turns into shutdown, defensiveness, or escalation.
You want deeper connection, not just better argument technique.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is another major evidence-based approach in couples therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and built on decades of relationship research. According to the Gottman Institute, the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy include disarming conflict, increasing intimacy, respect, and affection, removing barriers to empathy, and helping couples create greater understanding and shared meaning.
Where EFT often emphasizes emotional bonding and attachment, the Gottman Method is more structured and skills-oriented. It is built around the Sound Relationship House theory and commonly focuses on strengthening friendship, turning toward bids for connection, managing conflict effectively, and building a meaningful shared life together.
This is often a strong fit for couples who want practical tools. If you are both saying, “Please, for the love of God, just give us something concrete we can do when we start spiraling,” Gottman-based work can be very appealing.
The Gottman Method may be a good fit when:
You want specific strategies and exercises.
Your conflicts get repetitive and unproductive.
Friendship, affection, and emotional connection have eroded.
You want to improve communication while also strengthening the overall foundation of the relationship.
CBT for Couples
Cognitive Behavioral Couple Therapy, or CBT for couples, focuses on the thoughts, interpretations, and behaviors that keep partners stuck. CBCT is an evidence-based approach for relationship distress. CBT-oriented relationship work often aims to help couples identify cognitive distortions, challenge unhelpful assumptions, improve communication, and change behavior patterns that escalate conflict.
This can be especially useful when a couple’s issues are fueled by recurring misinterpretations, black-and-white thinking, hostile assumptions, avoidance, or rigid behavior loops. For example, one partner may automatically assume, “If you forgot that, it means I do not matter.” The other assumes, “If you bring this up, it means I can never do anything right.” CBT helps slow those automatic thoughts down and replace them with more accurate, less destructive ones.
CBT tends to be more present-focused and action-oriented than some deeper exploratory models. It is often a good fit for couples who want practical tools and are willing to examine how their thinking patterns contribute to conflict.
CBT may be a good fit when:
Arguments are fueled by assumptions and misinterpretations.
You want structure, homework, and measurable skills.
One or both partners struggles with anxiety, anger, or rigid thinking that spills into the relationship.
You want tools for communication, problem-solving, and behavior change.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It focuses on transforming conflict into healing and growth through relational connection. The model is based on the idea that old wounds, unmet needs, and learned relational patterns from earlier life often get activated inside adult romantic relationships.
This approach often helps couples understand why their partner seems to trigger such a strong reaction and why conflict can feel strangely familiar. Imago work commonly emphasizes structured dialogue, empathy, curiosity, and helping each partner feel heard without immediately becoming defensive or combative.
Imago can be particularly appealing for couples who want to explore the deeper meaning of their relational patterns and who are open to the idea that some of their present-day conflict has roots in old emotional injuries. It can be useful when the goal is not just stopping fights, but understanding why certain fights feel so loaded in the first place.
Imago may be a good fit when:
You notice childhood wounds getting activated in the relationship.
You want to build empathy and better listening.
The same fights feel emotionally “bigger” than the topic itself.
You want to understand the deeper meaning behind your patterns, not just manage symptoms.
EMDR in Couples Therapy
EMDR is not traditionally thought of as a primary couples therapy model in the same way EFT or Gottman are, but it can be integrated into couples therapy when trauma is driving relationship distress. Couples-focused EMDR can help clinicians recognize trauma underlying conflictive intimacy patterns, reprocess trauma memories, and work with attachment deficits and systemic issues. Integrating EMDR into couples therapy is an emerging trend, particularly when trauma contributes to reactivity, insecurity, or relational gridlock.
This matters because sometimes the relationship problem is not just “bad communication.” Sometimes one or both partners are responding from unresolved trauma. In those cases, asking the couple to simply communicate better can feel a lot like handing someone a fire extinguisher after their nervous system has already become a flamethrower.
EMDR-informed couples work may be helpful when trauma, betrayal, panic-level reactivity, or nervous system activation keeps hijacking the relationship. It can be especially relevant if one or both partners has a history of trauma that gets triggered in moments of conflict or attachment threat.
EMDR may be a good fit when:
Trauma is clearly part of the relationship dynamic.
One or both partners becomes highly triggered during conflict.
Past betrayal, attachment injury, or trauma memories keep bleeding into present interactions.
A therapist believes trauma processing needs to happen alongside relational work.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is not just for couples in trouble, and honestly, that misconception does relationships zero favors.
This type of couples therapy is a proactive form of couples work designed to help engaged or seriously committed partners strengthen communication, clarify values, prepare for conflict, and address issues before they become entrenched. Sources on premarital counseling consistently describe goals like improving communication, discussing expectations, building conflict-resolution skills, and increasing long-term relationship confidence and satisfaction.
This is one of the smartest times to do therapy, because you are not trying to repair everything after years of resentment and relational scar tissue. You are building the foundation before the house starts shifting.
Premarital counseling can cover topics like money, sex, family boundaries, parenting expectations, religion, household roles, emotional needs, communication styles, and conflict patterns. Some therapists use structured models, including Gottman-based premarital counseling, to help couples identify strengths and likely points of friction before marriage.
Premarital counseling may be a good fit when:
You are engaged or planning long-term commitment.
You want to talk through values, expectations, and possible stress points.
You have a solid relationship and want to keep it that way.
You would prefer prevention over emergency repair. A radical concept, apparently.
Other Couples Therapy Approaches You May Hear About
In your search for a couples therapist, you may also come across:
Psychodynamic couples therapy: Explores how unconscious patterns and early experiences shape current relationships.
Systemic couples therapy: Looks at the broader relational, family, and cultural systems influencing the couple.
Discernment counseling: Designed for couples who are unsure whether to repair the relationship or end it, rather than those who are both fully committed to working on it in standard couples therapy.
What is the Best Couples Therapy Approach?
There is no universal “best” approach for every couple. EFT, the Gottman Method, CBT for couples, Imago therapy, and trauma-informed approaches like EMDR integration all have potential strengths.
The right fit depends on your goals, your emotional dynamics, whether trauma is involved, how motivated each partner is, and what kind of therapeutic structure works best for both of you.
In general:
If your biggest problem is emotional disconnection and attachment pain, EFT may be especially helpful.
If you want practical skills and structured tools, the Gottman Method or CBT-based work may be a better fit.
If old wounds and deeply rooted relational triggers keep taking over, Imago or trauma-informed therapy may be useful.
If trauma is actively hijacking the relationship, EMDR-informed treatment may need to be part of the plan.
If you are preparing for marriage rather than repairing major damage, premarital counseling may be the smartest place to start.
What to Do Instead of Couples Therapy
Sometimes, couples therapy is not the next best step, or not the only step.
If one partner refuses therapy, individual therapy may still help you understand your patterns, set healthier boundaries, and decide what is realistic in the relationship. On the other hand, if the relationship is marked by uncertainty about whether to stay together, discernment counseling may be more appropriate than traditional couples therapy.
If one or both partners are dealing with serious trauma, addiction, severe emotional dysregulation, or untreated mental health symptoms, individual treatment may need to happen alongside or even before couples work. Behavioral couples therapy also has a specific role in relationships affected by alcohol or drug problems.
And just to say the obvious thing out loud: if there is active abuse, coercion, control, intimidation, or fear in the relationship, standard couples therapy may not be appropriate. In those situations, safety comes first.
How to Choose the Right Couples Therapist
When you are looking for a couples therapist, do not just ask whether they “see couples.” That is too vague to be useful. Instead:
Ask what their primary couples therapy approaches are.
Ask whether they are trained in EFT, Gottman, CBT for couples, EMDR, or other modalities relevant to your concerns.
Ask how they decide which method to use.
Ask how they work with issues like trauma, infidelity, shutdown-pursue dynamics, emotional disconnection, or premarital preparation.
Ask whether they assign exercises or homework.
Ask how they handle situations where one partner is more hesitant than the other.
Ask whether they have experience with the specific issue bringing you in.
A strong therapist should be able to explain their approach in plain language. Not with a cloud of clinical buzzwords designed to make you nod politely while learning absolutely nothing.
FAQs
What are the most common couples therapy approaches?
The most common couples therapy approaches include:
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Gottman Method
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for couples
Imago Relationship Therapy
Premarital Counseling
Which couples therapy method is best?
There is no single best method for every couple. EFT is often helpful for emotional disconnection and attachment injuries. Gottman is useful for structured communication and conflict tools. CBT helps with distorted thinking and behavior loops. EMDR may help when trauma is a major driver of relationship distress.
Is EFT better than the Gottman Method?
Not universally. EFT is often more emotion- and attachment-focused, while the Gottman Method is often more structured and skills-based. The better fit depends on whether your relationship needs deeper emotional repair, more practical conflict tools, or a blend of both.
What should we do instead of couples therapy?
Depending on the issue, alternatives to couples therapy may include individual therapy, premarital counseling, discernment counseling, or trauma treatment. The right option depends on whether the problem is uncertainty about the relationship, individual symptoms, or a broader relationship pattern.
Does premarital counseling actually help?
Yes, premarital counseling is commonly used to help couples clarify expectations, strengthen communication, prepare for conflict, and build a stronger foundation before marriage. Research and clinical sources associate it with better relationship quality and lower conflict later on.
The Bottom Line on Couples Therapy Approaches
Different couples therapy approaches are not interchangeable. They are built for different problems, different patterns, and different goals.
The best approach is the one that fits your relationship, your pain points, and your goals. Not the one with the flashiest name or the one your cousin recommended because it saved her marriage. The one you need is the one that actually addresses what is happening between the two of you.
If your relationship is struggling, the right couples therapy approach can help you stop repeating the same painful cycle. And it can help you start creating something healthier, safer, and more connected.
Are you and your partner stuck in the same painful patterns? Are you ready to figure out what kind of help will actually move the needle? Couples Learn can help. Our therapists use evidence-based couples therapy approaches tailored to your specific relationship. We can assist with communication problems, emotional disconnection, trust issues, and recurring conflict that never seems to fully go away.
Counseling can be a valuable tool for those looking to improve their relationships, but many people hesitate to seek help due to misconceptions and myths about couples therapy.
Unfortunately, dismissing the idea of couples therapy without a clear understanding of what it actually involves can prevent couples from reaping the potential benefits.
If you’ve been wondering if you and your partner need therapy, it’s important to identify and debunk any couples therapy misconceptions you might have before making any treatment decisions.
Whether you’re worried about couples therapy making your situation worse or concerned that going to therapy is a sign your relationship isn’t worth saving, taking time to explore the truth about couples therapy will ensure you and your relationship can get the support you need.
Keep reading to explore some of the most common couples therapy misconceptions debunked by our experienced couples therapists at Couples Learn. But first, let’s explore what couples counseling is all about.
What Is Couples Counseling?
Couples counseling, often referred to as couples therapy, is a type of mental health treatment aimed at helping couples navigate relationship issues and improve communication. Couples therapists use a variety of therapy modalities to help couples navigate major life changes, stressors and conflicts.
The goal of couples counseling is not to “fix” a relationship or decide who is right or wrong. Instead, couples therapists can help partners understand each other’s perspectives and develop healthy communication and conflict-resolution strategies.
While many couples attend therapy when they are dealing with major life changes, infidelity or other relationship challenges, counseling can also help couples proactively care for their relationship. In fact, proactive attendance can help couples prevent future conflicts and strengthen their relationship before major issues arise.
It is also important to know that couples counseling is not a one-size-fits-all approach. There are various methods and techniques used by couples therapists. An experienced counselor will tailor their approach to best suit your unique relationship dynamics and the specific issues you wish to address. At Couples Learn, we use a variety of couples therapy techniques including Gottman Method, Imago therapy, EFT and more.
14 Common Misconceptions of Couples Counseling
Considering couples therapy but worried about whether or not it’s right for you? Explore some of the common misconceptions and myths of couples therapy below.
1. Couples counseling is only for couples on the verge of divorce.
This is a common couples therapy myth, but it’s simply not true. Couples counseling can be beneficial for anyone looking to improve their relationship, regardless of the stage they are at. The stigma around couples counseling is often based on the thought that attending means your relationship is failing. However, many couples attend therapy to maintain a healthy and thriving partnership.
And even if you are trying therapy to work through issues or conflict, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Attending therapy at all is a sign that you’re committed to improving your relationship, which is a great sign!
2. Couples counseling is only for married couples.
Couples counseling can benefit any type of relationship, not just those who are married. Whether you’re dating, engaged, or living together, counseling can help you develop a stronger bond, improve communication skills, and manage conflicts more effectively.
3. Therapists will take sides and pick a “winner” in the relationship.
A therapist should never be picking sides! This is one of the most incorrect myths about couples therapy. Professional therapists aim to remain neutral and help both partners navigate their issues. Their goal is to assist you in understanding one another’s perspectives and work towards finding common ground, rather than focusing on who is “right” or “wrong.”
Besides, in most conflicts between couples, there isn’t one person who is wrong anyway. Instead, there’s often a lack of understanding or miscommunication at the heart of relationship issues.
4. Couples counseling is a last resort; it means the relationship is doomed.
Many couples view counseling as a last-ditch effort before breaking up, but this is a misconception. Seeking couples counseling early on can help to address and resolve issues before they escalate, preventing further damage to the relationship. In fact, many successful couples view therapy as a proactive measure to maintain their connection.
5. Couples counseling is a quick process, and you’ll see immediate results.
Unfortunately, like many things in life, good things come to those who wait. And while you may be able to work through some conflicts fairly quickly through couples counseling, therapy is usually an ongoing process. It may take some time to see significant improvements. How long couples therapy takes to work will depend on the complexity of your issues and your commitment to making changes.
While some couples only attend therapy for a few months to work through specific issues or navigate a major life change, others will attend for years or even throughout the life of their relationship to keep their connection strong.
6. You must be in an extremely dysfunctional relationship to benefit from counseling.
This common myth about couples therapy is far from the truth. Couples with minor conflicts or small misunderstandings can also benefit from counseling. In fact, addressing these issues before they grow into larger problems can lead to an even stronger and healthier relationship.
Whether you’re welcoming a baby to your family, navigating a cross-country move or dealing with disagreements about money, attending couples counseling can help – even if the rest of your relationship is strong.
7. Couples counseling is only for romantic relationships; it doesn’t apply to friendships or family relationships.
Although couples counseling usually focuses on romantic relationships, therapists can also work with people in various types of relationships, including friendships and family dynamics. Ultimately, therapy is about improving communication, understanding, and connection, which can apply to any relationship.
Depending on the type of support you need, you may work with a couples therapist, a family therapist or even an individual therapist. An experienced counselor can help determine who can best help you navigate whatever relationship challenges you’re facing.
8. You have to share all your personal secrets and intimate details with the therapist.
The goal of therapy is to create a safe and trusting environment for open communication. While it’s important to be honest with your therapist and vulnerable with your partner during sessions, you can choose what you feel comfortable sharing. Therapists are trained to respect your privacy and boundaries and they won’t pressure you to disclose any details you don’t feel safe sharing.
9. Therapists will judge and criticize your relationship choices.
Therapists are not here to judge! Trust us, we’ve seen just about everything when it comes to relationship challenges, and we’re committed to approaching any conflict, dynamic or issue with empathy.
A couples counselor’s role is to facilitate communication between you and your partner and help you navigate your unique relationship concerns. They will not critique your decisions, but rather support you in working through challenges.
10. Couples counseling is too expensive and only for the affluent.
This is one of the most common misconceptions about couples therapy. Part of this myth stems from the fact that many couples therapists don’t take insurance. While this can make accessing therapy hard for some couples, many therapists offer sliding scale fees to accommodate different budgets. You may also be able to get reimbursed by your insurance company for couples therapy sessions, even if your therapist doesn’t accept insurance.
11. If one partner refuses counseling, there’s no point in seeking help.
It is still possible to benefit from attending individual therapy for relationship help, even if your partner is not willing to participate. A therapist can help you gain a better understanding of your own thoughts and feelings and provide guidance on managing your relationship issues. Working with a therapist can also help you improve your communication skills and give you a safe, neutral place to talk through your challenges.
12. Couples therapy will make your relationship worse.
We hear this concern from potential couples counseling clients all the time: “Will couple’s therapy make things worse?” It’s totally normal to worry about “rocking the boat” when it comes to your relationship. But the purpose of couples therapy is to help you and your partner grow as individuals and as a couple together. While addressing deep-rooted issues can bring about temporary discomfort, it ultimately leads to a healthier and stronger relationship.
13. Going before you are married means that your relationship is not meant to be and you might as well just break up.
Going to couples therapy before you’re married is not a sign of a doomed relationship! In fact, premarital counseling can actually be a proactive step toward building a strong and lasting relationship. It helps address potential issues early on, gives you tools for navigating through different stages of marriage, and strengthens your commitment.
While some couples who attend therapy do eventually break up, attending therapy is not a sign that the same will happen to you. If anything, it’s a sign that you and your partner are both deeply committed to your relationship.
14. You should be able to figure stuff out on your own.
Seeking help does not mean there is something wrong with you or your partner. Couples often have a hard time solving conflicts on their own because they are too emotionally close to the issue at hand. Working with a couples therapist can give you a neutral, third-party view of your challenges and help you each see things from a different perspective.
Couples counseling is a valuable resource for strengthening your relationship, enhancing communication skills, and addressing common concerns. Embracing counseling is a sign of maturity and commitment to your partnership.
Common Types of Couples Therapy
If we’ve busted enough myths about couples therapy for you and you’re ready to find a therapist, then it’s time to start exploring some of the top types of couples therapy available.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is an approach that focuses on the emotional bond between partners. In EFT sessions, you and your partner will explore patterns of interaction that contribute to emotional distance or disconnection. By creating a safe environment in which you both can discuss your feelings, EFT helps strengthen your emotional connection and improve communication skills.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method is based on the extensive research of Dr. John Gottman and his work on the factors that contribute to successful relationships. This approach emphasizes practical, research-based interventions to help you and your partner build a stronger bond. The Gottman Method focuses on improving communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy in your relationship by teaching effective communication strategies and problem-solving skills.
Imago Therapy
Imago Therapy is another form of couples counseling that addresses the unconscious factors that influence your choice of partner and patterns of interaction within your relationship. In Imago Therapy sessions, you will explore your past experiences and how they impact your current relationship dynamics. Through this exploration, you will gain new insight into your partner’s needs and feelings and develop a deeper understanding of how to address your own needs within the relationship.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital Counseling is a specialized form of couples therapy that aims to help couples build a strong foundation for their future together before getting married. It often includes discussing your expectations about marriage, learning communication skills, addressing any potential areas of conflict, and creating a shared vision for your life together. This type of counseling can help you and your partner build a solid base for a long-term, healthy marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy
Should I do couples therapy or break up?
The answer to this question is a deeply personal one. While some couples should break up for the health and happiness of the individuals involved, other couples can absolutely resolve conflict through couples counseling. Attending couples counseling can actually help you make the decision of whether to break up or stay together.
Can a therapist see partners separately?
Yes, they can! Many couples therapists will occasionally offer individual counseling sessions to each member of a couple individually to gain a better understanding of their inner dialogue, attachment style and relationship history. These individual sessions can give the therapist many key insights into how to better help the couple manage conflict or improve communication.
Does couples therapy mean your relationship is over?
Absolutely not! While some couples who go through therapy will ultimately break up or get divorced, committing to couples therapy is a big step toward the health of your relationship. In some ways, couples therapy means the next phase of your relationship is just beginning!
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
If you and your partner both want to be together, therapy can help you get closer than ever. An analysis of emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFT) found that 90% of couples significantly improve their relationship and 70-70% of couples no longer fit the criteria for “relationship distress” after treatment.
In general, both partners should be present for couples therapy sessions to address issues and work on their relationship. However, there may be instances when individual sessions are necessary to address specific personal concerns. It is essential to discuss with your therapist about the best approach for you and your partner.
Is couples therapy only a short-term solution?
The length and duration of couples therapy can vary based on the needs and goals of each couple. It can be short-term, focusing on specific issues, or long-term, addressing more deep-rooted problems and fostering personal growth. Ultimately, the success and timeline of your therapy will depend on the commitment and effort put in by you and your partner.
Ready to Start Couples Therapy?
Now that we’ve debunked some of the most common misconceptions and myths about therapy for couples, are you ready to try therapy for your relationship? Contact Couples Learn to explore all our couples therapy offerings and determine the best fit for you and your partner.
Are you considering couples therapy but wondering how long it will take to see results? You’re not alone. But how long couples therapy takes to work isn’t a straightforward answer.
There are many factors that can impact the length of time it takes to see results, including the severity of your relationship issues, the goals of your therapy and your commitment to the process.
If you ask Google, “How long does it take couples therapy to work?”, you’ll probably see answers saying that 8-12 sessions of counseling are common. But the truth is much more nuanced.
Couples who have been struggling for years may need more sessions to work through deep-seated issues, while those with more straightforward concerns or who turn to therapy to help them make a specific life decision may see results more quickly.
In order to get a better understanding of how long you may be in couples therapy, keep reading to better understand how relationship therapy works and what can impact your length of care.
Understanding Couples Therapy
What is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy that aims to help couples resolve conflicts and improve their relationship. It is a type of therapy that is designed to help couples of all types, including married, dating, engaged, or cohabiting couples.
In couples therapy, you and your partner will work with a trained therapist who specializes in helping couples. The therapist will help you identify the issues that are causing problems in your relationship. They will also work with you to develop strategies to address these issues.
Types of Couples Therapy
There are several different types of couples therapy. The type of therapy that is best for you will depend on your specific needs and goals. Here are some of the most common types of couples therapy:
EFT is a type of couples therapy that focuses on helping couples identify and change negative patterns of interaction. The therapist helps the couple identify their emotional needs and teaches them how to communicate these needs to each other.
Imago Relationship Therapy is a type of couples therapy that focuses on helping couples understand the unconscious dynamics that are at play in their relationship. The therapist helps the couple identify patterns of behavior that are causing problems in their relationship and teaches them how to change these patterns.
Couples who try Gottman Method marriage counseling will start by learning how healthy couples communicate and treat each other. Then, they learn how to communicate more effectively with their partners by using specific communication techniques developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
By working with a trained therapist, you and your partner can identify the issues that are causing problems in your relationship and develop strategies to address these issues.
The type of therapy that is best for you will depend on your specific needs and goals. The type of therapy you choose can also impact how long couples therapy takes to work toward improving your relationship.
How Does Couples Counseling Work?
No matter what kinds of issues you have to work through in couples therapy, all therapy starts with two main steps. Getting through these steps typically takes at least one appointment, but could take longer.
Initial Couples Therapy Assessment
The initial assessment is the first step in couples therapy. During this step, your therapist will meet with you and your partner to discuss your relationship issues. The therapist will ask you questions about your relationship, your history, and your goals for therapy. This assessment helps the therapist understand your relationship and determine the best course of treatment.
The initial assessment typically takes one to two sessions. During this time, the therapist will gather information about your relationship. They’ll also help you and your partner feel comfortable in the therapy setting. It is important to be honest and open during this process so the therapist can accurately assess your relationship.
Couples Therapy Treatment Plan
After the initial assessment, the therapist will create a treatment plan tailored to your specific needs. The treatment plan will outline the goals of therapy, the methods the therapist will use to achieve those goals, and the expected duration of therapy. The duration of couples therapy varies depending on the complexity of the issues being addressed.
Some couples may only need a few sessions to work through their issues. Others may need several months of therapy. Others may decide to see their couples therapist monthly to maintain their progress.
The therapist will work with you and your partner to create a treatment plan that is both effective and realistic – and based on your personal relationship issues.
How Long Should Couples Therapy Take?
Every relationship is different and has its own unique challenges. This is why it’s nearly impossible for a couples therapist to tell you exactly how many sessions you’ll need to work through your specific issues.
The duration of the therapy can vary depending on several factors, including:
The Status of Your Relationship
The nature of the relationship between partners can have a significant impact on the duration of couples therapy. For instance, if you and your partner have a strong bond and friendship, it may be easier for you to work through your issues and resolve them quickly. On the other hand, if you have a strained relationship, it may take longer to build trust and work through your issues.
The Couples Therapy Approach
Your therapist’s approach to couples therapy can also affect the duration of the therapy. Some therapists may use a more structured approach that involves specific techniques and exercises to help you and your partner work through your issues. Other therapists may take a more flexible approach and allow you and your partner to lead the sessions.
The Consistency of Sessions
The consistency of couples therapy sessions can also affect the duration of the therapy. If you attend sessions regularly and consistently, you may be able to work through your issues more quickly. However, if you and/or your partner miss sessions or are inconsistent with your attendance, it may take longer to make progress.
The Issues Being Discussed
The severity of the issues that the partners are facing can also influence the duration of couples therapy. If your issues are minor, it may only take a few sessions to resolve them. However, if the issues are more severe, such as infidelity or health issues, it may take longer to work through them.
So, what are some of the common issues being addressed in couples therapy? Keep reading to find out.
Common Issues Addressed in Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is designed to help partners resolve conflicts and improve their relationship. While every relationship is different, there are some common challenges that lead to couples seeking professional help. These include:
Communication Breakdown
One of the most common issues that couples face is a breakdown in communication. This can manifest in a number of ways, including arguments, misunderstandings, and a lack of emotional connection. Couples therapy can help you learn how to communicate more effectively with your partner, express your needs and feelings, and listen actively.
Infidelity
Infidelity can cause significant distress in a relationship, and it can be difficult to restore trust after a partner has been unfaithful. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work through the emotional fallout of infidelity. A therapist can also help you develop strategies for rebuilding trust and strengthening your relationship.
Conflict Resolution
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it can become a problem when it is not resolved effectively. Couples therapy can help you develop problem-solving skills and conflict-resolution strategies that allow you to work through disagreements in a healthy and productive way.
Mental Health Issues
Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD can put a strain on a relationship. Couples therapy can provide support and guidance for both partners as they navigate the challenges of mental illness. A therapist can also help you develop coping strategies and find ways to support each other during difficult times.
Substance Abuse
Substance abuse can have a significant impact on a relationship, causing trust issues, financial problems, and emotional distress. Couples therapy can help you address substance abuse issues and develop a plan for recovery.
What Can Make Couples Therapy Take Longer?
Couples therapy can be a challenging process, and it’s not uncommon for couples to face obstacles along the way. These obstacles can make your therapy journey longer, but it doesn’t necessarily mean couples therapy will be less effective for your relationship.
Here are some of the most common challenges you may encounter during your couples therapy sessions:
Resistance to Change
One of the biggest challenges in couples therapy is resistance to change. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when you’re asked to change your behavior or thought patterns. This is especially true if you’ve been doing things a certain way for a long time. However, it’s important to remember that change is often necessary for growth and improvement in your relationship. Your therapist will work with you and your partner to identify areas where change is needed. They’ll also help you develop strategies to make those changes.
Unresolved Resentment
Resentment is a common issue in many relationships, and it can be a major obstacle to progress in couples therapy. If one or both partners are holding onto past hurts or grievances, it can be difficult to move forward and make positive changes. Your therapist will help you identify any unresolved resentment and work with you to find ways to address it.
Lack of Commitment
Another challenge in couples therapy is a lack of commitment from one or both partners. If one partner is not fully invested in the therapy process, it can be difficult to make progress. Your therapist may need to work with you to address any underlying issues that are contributing to the lack of commitment and help you find ways to increase your motivation and engagement.
Common Questions About Couples Therapy
How long should marriage counseling last?
The length of marriage counseling varies depending on the couple’s specific needs and goals. Some couples may only need a few sessions, while others may need several months or even years of therapy. It is important to work with a therapist to create a treatment plan that fits your unique situation.
How long is marriage counseling before marriage?
Marriage counseling before marriage, also known as premarital counseling, can range from a few sessions to several months, depending on the couple’s needs. It is important to work with a therapist who specializes in premarital counseling to address any concerns or issues before tying the knot.
How often should you go to couples therapy?
The frequency of couples therapy services varies depending on the couple’s specific needs. Some couples may benefit from weekly sessions, while others may only need monthly or bi-monthly sessions. It is important to work with a therapist to create a treatment plan that fits your unique situation.
If you’re dealing with an especially busy schedule or a long-distance relationship, online couples therapy could be a good solution to ensure you’re able to be consistent with therapy sessions.
Does couples therapy really work?
The success rate of marriage counseling varies depending on the couple’s specific situation and the type of therapy used. But research does support the effectiveness of couples therapy when it comes to keeping relationships together.
According to Psychology Today, couples counseling using Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) results in about 75% of couples no longer meeting the criteria for relationship distress. Approximately 90% of couples doing EFT see a significant improvement in their relationship.
When is couples therapy not appropriate?
Couples therapy may not be appropriate when one or both partners are not willing to participate, or when there is abuse, addiction, or infidelity present in the relationship. In these cases, individual therapy may be more appropriate before attempting couples therapy.
Do You Need Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy can be an effective way to improve your relationship and work through challenges. The duration of therapy can vary depending your goals and the severity of your issues.
That’s why it’s important to consider therapy early on in your relationship – either as a preventative measure or as soon as issues start impacting your partnership. Waiting too long can make it harder to work through issues and make the average length of marriage counseling much longer.
How to Find the Right Couples Therapist
If you’ve decided you need couples therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who is a good fit for you and your partner. Look for a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and has experience working with similar issues.
Explore the types of couples therapy they offer as well. This will give you a better idea of what to expect in couples therapy and how long couples therapy might take. Finding a therapist specifically experienced in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy, Imago Therapy or Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a good place to start.
Consider how often you’ll go to couples therapy, too, and make sure the therapist you choose has a schedule that aligns with your availability. Will commuting to appointments every week (or even every month) be difficult to keep up with? Consider finding an online couples therapist instead. You can find online EFT, online Imago Therapy and online Gottman Method couples therapy, among many other modalities.
Remember that therapy is a collaborative process, and both partners need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work. With the right therapist and a commitment to the process, couples therapy can be an effective way to improve your relationship and build a stronger, healthier connection with your partner.
