EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

Are you having emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation? Snapping at loved ones or feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and unfulfilled in your life and relationships? If so, you may be experiencing the effects of unresolved trauma and you may benefit from EMDR therapy. 

Many clients come to Couples Learn to understand how past traumatic experiences shape the way they are showing up in their relationships. One of the most efficient ways to heal from past experiences and cultivate fulfilling relationships is through EMDR therapy. You may have heard friends or colleagues mention EMDR therapy, but wonder how it really works, and if it could be right for you. So what does EMDR stand for? And why does the name sound so complicated? This article will explore what EMDR therapy is, how it works, and how to find a qualified EMDR therapist.

EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy may conjure up images of laying on a couch being hypnotized, but it’s actually far from its seemingly “woo woo” sounding name. EMDR therapy is backed by years of research and it is recommended by the American Psychological Association as a successful trauma treatment. 

EMDR therapy was founded by Clinical Psychologist Francine Shapiro Ph.D. in 1987, after she realized that bilateral stimulation on the body can impact the way the brain processes information. EMDR works by engaging the brain’s natural healing process to re-process painful past experiences that were stored improperly at the time of the traumatic experience. Engaging in EMDR therapy with a trained EMDR therapist can help to reduce trauma, anxiety, depression, panic disorder symptoms, and relationship issues.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

If you have found yourself confused after Googling “EMDR definition” and attempting to decipher the results, this section can shed some light on what EMDR really is. 

Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an evidenced-based trauma treatment that helps alleviate psychological distress caused by traumatic memories and negative beliefs. In fact, the research shows that EMDR therapy is the most efficient trauma treatment available. According to a publication through The EMDR International Association, EMDR was recently named the most cost-effective treatment for adults with PTSD. The average number of sessions needed to heal from trauma, and alleviate symptoms of anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and other mental health concerns is much shorter than a cycle of treatment using other evidence based methods.

The EMDR Therapy Process

EMDR therapy sessions can help you handle trauma

EMDR works by using bilateral stimulation to guide the brain to reprocess a distressing memory. Bilateral stimulation is the process of stimulating each side of your brain, one at a time. This left-brain right-brain alternating stimulation is achieved through sound, touch, or eye movements. For example, you might listen to a beep played through headphones that alternates playing in your left ear, then your right ear. Or, you may follow a light with your eyes that causes them to move from left to right. Or, you may hold buzzers in your hands that gently vibrate left and right or tap your own shoulders with your hands, alternating left to right. Your EMDR therapist will help you to find the bilateral stimulation option that is most comfortable.

It is hypothesized that the process of bilateral stimulation mimics the process of REM sleep when our eyes move left to right rapidly. REM sleep is the time when our brain processes and stores the events and emotions from our day. After reprocessing in EMDR therapy, the brain retains the memory without the powerful emotions associated with it. Just like “sleeping on it” often helps give you new perspective on an issue. Most clients report feeling lighter, and as though the negative event has less power over them after EMDR treatment. 

The beauty of EMDR therapy is it doesn’t require extensive discussion of the memories or lengthy homework in between sessions. It is helpful for moving through trauma in a more manageable way than having to tell all the details of your trauma and reopening emotional wounds over and over again through talk therapy. Research also shows that after engaging in a successful EMDR treatment for one issue, the brain actually has greater resiliency in managing future traumas and healing from them more effectively.

What is EMDR Therapy Used For?

Who can benefit from EMDR therapy? You may be thinking, I haven’t suffered any major traumatic events so I’m not sure EMDR is really for me. Most people associate trauma with major events such as physical assault, sexual abuse, natural disasters, a car accident, or other life threatening events. These experiences are indeed trauma and they are what we call big “T” trauma in the psychological world. EMDR Therapy is very effective in treating big “T” traumas.

However, many people have experienced non-life threatening trauma, called small “t” traumas which are often just as impactful and can be especially harmful to functioning in relationships. Small “t” traumas are things like emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, racism, homophobia, and bullying. These small “t” traumas often happen repeatedly to the same individual throughout childhood and possibly even adulthood, causing many challenges in functioning and sometimes even leading to a disorder called Complex PTSD. There is a specific type of EMDR called Attachment Focused EMDR Therapy which is particularly helpful in treating the developmental trauma associated with small “t” traumas and Complex PTSD.

EMDR has been shown to be clinically useful for treating anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. It can also be used to help strengthen attachments, heal relationship wounds, and benefit couples therapy. 

EMDR for PTSD 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD is a psychological disorder that develops as a result of a big “T” trauma or a trauma where you believed your life was at risk. Symptoms of PTSD include nightmares, hypervigilance, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling your emotions, and avoidance of things that remind you of the trauma. EMDR counseling works to reduce the emotional charge associated with the memory of the event and stop trauma triggers from sending you into re-experiencing the event. These flashbacks, which are common in PTSD survivors, can derail daily life and cause symptoms of avoidance and isolation which further deteriorate mental health. By getting to the root cause of the PTSD, and reducing the emotion associated with the traumatic event, an EMDR therapist can help you move past your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

a couple discussing EMDR therapy for trauma

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR therapy is most often used to treat trauma. EMDR for trauma and PTSD were the first methods of EMDR to be researched and used successfully. By engaging with traumatic memories in a small tolerable amount, you do the work with part of your awareness in the present moment, connected to your surroundings and current safety, while exploring the past distressing event. This allows your brain to send messages between the amygdala (responsible for regulating emotions) and the hippocampus (related to memory). This dual awareness of the past and present helps you to release the intense emotional portion of the memory while maintaining the understanding that the event occurred. 

EMDR for Anxiety

Similar to its power for treating trauma, EMDR for anxiety has also been shown to be highly effective. Most mental health issues are caused by negative experiences stored in our brains and labeled as dangerous, due to our evolutionary survival instincts. The brain is trying to protect itself from further trauma or potential death, so it carefully catalogues any distressing or perceived life threatening event and any details about what was happening at the time the event occured. The brain then responds to anything similar in the future as a potential threat and will send a signal to the body to get ready to fight, flight, or freeze to protect itself from the threat. 

These reminders often trigger an unwanted response. A trigger signals to the brain that a potentially dangerous situation (requiring an anxious response to protect ourselves) is about to occur. If you have experienced anxiety you may be able to remember the first time you felt anxious. This memory serves as a template for your anxious experiences and each time you experience another anxiety provoking event, your brain remembers it, flags it, and stores it in that channel of memories. EMDR therapy works to address the distressing memories which make you feel anxious and relieve your current symptoms. 

EMDR for Depression

EMDR for depression works in a similar way to EMDR for anxiety and trauma. Oftentimes, we create meaning and negative beliefs about ourselves from the experiences we have. For example, a lack of satisfaction or success in your job may cause you to have a belief about yourself that you are not competent. This is called a negative core belief. This belief about yourself likely causes you to feel unmotivated, ashamed, sad, and/or angry. You may also experience other symptoms, such as negative thought patterns, disengaging from activities you used to enjoy, and trouble sleeping. 

Oftentimes, you can link that negative core belief about yourself to a specific situation in which you were yelled at by a boss, or passed up for a promotion, or missed a deadline. Or, it may go even farther back to childhood experiences with a critical parent. Whatever the distressing memory, the resulting belief about yourself can be reframed through EMDR therapy. Although, you may not have undergone a life threatening event, the memory of a distressing situation can be reprocessed with dual awareness in the past and present with a trained EMDR therapist to help you move forward and develop a healthier view of yourself. 

EMDR Couples Therapy

Whether one partner has experienced a trauma which is impacting their level of distress, or both partners experienced a trauma conjointly, EMDR therapy can be helpful in healing the trauma and allowing the couple to move forward without being constantly re-triggered and falling into old unproductive patterns of communication and disconnection. EMDR couples therapy can involve one partner being a present supporter for their partner as they reprocess distressing memories or it can be used to build safe attachments with one another to strengthen the relationship.  

Healing from trauma? EMDR therapy can help

How Does EMDR Therapy Work? 

EMDR works by engaging in the brain’s natural healing process, in which information is moved back and forth between your right and left brain to be processed and stored. As mentioned above, this is done by using bilateral stimulation to re-process maladaptively stored memories due to painful past experiences. 

In EMDR therapy, you’ll be asked to think about a target memory and then begin and continue bilateral stimulation until the emotional disturbance of the memory is reduced. The bilateral stimulation activates the memory network associated with the traumatic memory and everything that needs to be processed will come forward. That’s the beauty of our brains and bodies – if we remove the blockages that are preventing our natural processes from taking place, our body can do what it needs to do to heal.

EMDR therapy does not hurt or require you to be connected to a machine. It can bring up painful past memories and cause you to feel the emotions or body sensations that are associated with the memories as you move through it but most people find this tolerable. Your EMDR therapist will work with you to create dual awareness so that you can maintain your awareness in the present moment where you are safe as you experience the sensations associated with the past memory. Your EMDR therapist will also teach you self-soothing tools to use during EMDR before you even start the processing.

How Will I Feel During EMDR Therapy?

EMDR Therapy does involve some emotional discomfort and fortitude to move through the distressing memories to allow the brain to process them in a new way and release the emotional power they have over you in the present moment. The only way to move forward is to move through it but you and your therapist will move at a pace that feels safe for you. The reprocessing portion of EMDR therapy is often described like being on a train and looking out the window at the changing scenery. You are aware of what you are seeing (past memories) but you allow it to pass you by as you move forward and leave behind the distressing feelings associated with the memories. 

When you finish reprocessing, you may feel a sense of lightness in your body, relaxation, or perhaps exhaustion. Many people describe feeling a sense of release, openness and peace. Everyone experiences EMDR differently, but some people may experience side effects of vivid dreams or fatigue directly following a session. Others report feeling emotionally vulnerable following a reprocessing session. Once you move through the process, you will experience effects of reduced sensitivity to triggers and be able to talk about the situation without becoming emotional, or having the negative symptoms you previously experienced. 

What to Expect in an EMDR Session

A typical EMDR session starts off with you getting to know your therapist, and the therapist helping you identify important events and memories linked to the disturbances you are experiencing. Once the history taking portion is completed, you will work with your EMDR therapist to identify memories to target first. Before tackling the distressing memories, you will develop various self-regulation skills to ensure that you are comfortable self-soothing and remaining within your window of tolerance for difficult emotions. The idea is that you develop the basic skills you need to ground yourself and get back to baseline, before addressing distressing memories so you feel more confident beginning the reprocessing.

After learning these important self-regulation skills, you will start with your chosen memory. Your EMDR therapist will help you identify the emotions associated with the memory, a negative belief about yourself, and a positive belief that you would prefer to have about yourself. You then identify where you feel the emotion in your body, and hold that in your awareness as you engage in bilateral stimulation (BLS). All methods of BLS are effective and the method used is based on personal preference and therapist discretion.

Online EMDR therapy sessions can be as effective as in person EMDR sessions.

Why EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR therapy works because it connects the old distressing memories with new information. You are accessing the traumatic memory in small manageable doses and paring it with new information and new beliefs about yourself. The brain naturally has the ability to heal from trauma. The problem is that sometimes these situations are so intense that they hijack the brain’s ability to access this natural healing and rational approach to the information. 

EMDR therapy helps the brain tap into its natural ability to move forward from the pain associated with the memory and access the safety present in the current moment. The unprocessed information at the time of a distressing event incorrectly causes the brain to store the emotions and related physical sensations along with that memory. Many psychological disorders are caused by this lack of processing and improper storage. Therapists use EMDR to tap into the brain’s natural process of storing information and pair the traumatic memories with adaptive information such as positive coping, reframed thoughts and beliefs, and new resources for support so that they don’t feel scary anymore. Through EMDR therapy, the brain can properly process the memory and alleviate the symptoms created by the maladaptively stored memories.

Finding an EMDR Therapist

If after reading about the effectiveness of EMDR therapy, you’re wondering where you can find an EMDR therapist, we’ve got you covered. The therapists at Couples Learn can provide you with skilled EMDR therapy to overcome painful past experiences, help you live the life you want to live and show up as the person you want to be in your relationships. We have therapists trained in both Attachment Focused EMDR as well as traditional EMDR Therapy. The best part is, you can do EMDR from the comfort of your home with online therapy from Couples Learn. Book your free consultation to learn more about our EMDR services and pricing.

Want to learn more about EMDR therapy at Couples Learn? Watch the video below to learn more about the EMDR therapy process and what to expect in an EMDR session.

How Childhood Affects Relationships As an Adult

How Childhood Affects Relationships As an Adult

If you’ve ever been to a therapist, you’ve probably spent time talking about your childhood, especially painful childhood memories or childhood trauma. If you haven’t been to a therapist, you might be avoiding it for just that reason. Many people wonder how childhood affects relationships and, the truth is, the impact those childhood experiences can have is significant.

Childhood experiences especially matter when we enter romantic relationships. If you are having trouble finding “the one” or find yourself dating the wrong person time and time again, or you find the right person and somehow always seem to push them away, it might be time to look at how your childhood is affecting your ability to choose and keep romantic partners.

 

Childhood Experiences and Your Imago

I LOVE and highly recommend the Getting the Love You Want book by Harville Hendrix. Dr. Hendrix does a great job of describing how childhood affects relationships, especially how your hurts and childhood trauma affect your choice in partners. He describes something called your Imago, which is basically the blueprint for your choice in partners given your unique history.

Your Imago is a conglomeration of the positive and negative traits of your caretakers from childhood. This could include parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, babysitters, siblings, neighbors…basically anyone that had an impact on you as a young child from birth to about 6 years of age. Each one of us is unconsciously searching for a mate with a very particular set of positive and negative personality traits that make up our Imago.

So how do you know when you’ve found your Imago? Oh, you know. Have you ever met someone and felt deeply connected to them instantly? It’s like you’ve known them for years but you’ve only just met. You feel so comfortable around them and you can’t believe how hard you fall and how fast. This person is your Imago. The primitive part of your brain, called the Old Brain, instinctively recognizes this person as familiar and safe because it remembers these same qualities from the people who took care of you in the past.

Here’s the kicker; the people in your past were not perfect and they hurt you. Even if you had an amazing childhood and didn’t experience childhood trauma, there are certain times when you felt hurt, unloved, or abandoned by your family and you developed certain beliefs about the world as a result.

how childhood affects relationships as an adult

 

Understanding How Childhood Affects Relationships & Creates Limiting Beliefs

Our painful childhood experiences lead to us develop limiting beliefs that in turn lead us to act in counterproductive ways as adults. The type of thinking that we use as 6-year-olds is not the same type of thinking we use as adults. We have irrational and egotistical thinking as children and many of the limiting beliefs we develop from events in our life at that time simply are not true!

Unfortunately, no one told our Old Brain that and it stores these limiting beliefs. Then, when we get in a situation that triggers our childhood wounds, the Old Brain causes us to operate from our (usually illogical) limiting beliefs. This can be especially true for adults with childhood trauma. Let me illuminate with some examples.

 

Childhood Experiences and Limiting Beliefs

At 5 years old, you were not allowed to go to a sleepover that all your friends were going to and you felt you were being treated unfairly by your parents. This led you to creating the unconscious limiting belief that people in positions of power are not fair. Later in life, you develop issues with every boss you have and constantly feel like people in your life are not being fair to you.

At 3 years old, you had a bad dream and when you woke up, your parents were out and the babysitter couldn’t comfort you. You developed the unconscious limiting belief that the people you count on in life won’t be there when you need them. If this type of thing happens repeatedly, you learn to count on no one but yourself. Over time, you unconsciously build evidence for this belief by noticing every incident where people are not there for you and ignoring the incidents when they are there for you. By the way, this is also one way that an avoidant attachment style is created.

You become a strong independent person who doesn’t need help from anyone. In doing so, you don’t leave room for a partner to break through that tough exterior and support you when you are feeling vulnerable. You never allow yourself to be vulnerable or needy with others because that’s how you get hurt. Your inability to find a loving relationship further reinforces your belief that no one will be there for you and the cycle continues.

When you were 4 years old, your father left your mother and started a new family leaving you feeling abandoned and undeserving of love. You developed the unconscious belief that you are not good enough, that you did something wrong, and that you are not deserving of love.

Remember, children are very egocentric so even though as an adult, you may recognize their divorce wasn’t about your worthiness and lovability, as a child, you did not. You develop relationships with emotionally unavailable people your entire adult life who always end up leaving you or being so distant, you eventually leave them. The thing you fear most, being abandoned, happens time and time again because you are attracted to the leaving type thanks to your early childhood trauma.

Or maybe your mother was emotionally volatile and you never knew what side of her you were going to get day to day. This left you feeling insecure and scared to be yourself and always walking on eggshells. As a result, you developed an unconscious belief that all women are crazy and they will explode if you tell them how you really feel. 

You end up dating a series of “crazy” women and you bottle up any negative emotions for fear of setting them off. You put their needs before your own and end up feeling resentful. Occasionally you might attract a healthy rational woman but over time, as with all normal relationships, problems develop. She knows something is wrong and asks you to talk about it but you are afraid to share your feelings because you don’t want to set her off. She grows increasingly frustrated by you not sharing your feelings and she too starts acting in volatile ways to get you to react…to feel something. This further confirms your belief that all women are crazy.

how childhood affects relationships as an adult

 

How Childhood Affects Your Imago

Our unconscious mind is a powerful thing and it controls our behavior much more than most people are aware of. Even if events or relationships are not playing out in line with our unconscious beliefs, our actions sometimes lead to circumstances shifting in a way that is consistent with our unconscious limiting beliefs, as illustrated in the last example above.

Whatever your painful childhood memories are, your seemingly perfect mate, your Imago, is equipped to hurt you in ways that no one else besides your family can. In the beginning of the relationship, they remind you of all that was good in your childhood which is why you fall so fast and feel so good. However, as you start to get more comfortable and increase the level of commitment in the relationship, they can also start to trigger the same deep emotional pain as the people who hurt you the most – it’s all part of how childhood affects relationships as an adult.

So what does this all mean? Should you avoid dating your Imago for fear of getting hurt? Can you have a relationship that has passion and stability? The answer is yes, with a qualifier; it takes work.

 

Healing Childhood Hurts: Is Imago Therapy Right for You?

When you enter a truly committed relationship with someone that fits your Imago, you are both going to have issues that come up as a result of your past. How childhood affects relationships depends on a few factors.

For adults with childhood trauma, effects could be more significant. Additionally, the more serious the commitment, the safer you will feel and the more your issues will arise. 

Unfortunately, these issues aren’t going to present themselves in a pretty little package saying “this is from your past.” When you find yourself having a melt-down because your partner didn’t take out the trash for the 5th time and you don’t know why it bothers you so much but it just does…that is your past coming up.

A good rule of thumb is that if you’re hysterical, it’s historical. If your reaction to a situation is disproportionate to the event, it’s most likely triggering childhood hurts. This is not a bad thing, though! Being triggered is an opportunity to resolve issues from your childhood and being in a committed relationship with someone you love is a uniquely safe space in which to work on these issues.

For some, online couples therapy – particularly Imago Therapy with a certified Imago Therapist – can help work through these painful childhood memories and help discover how childhood affects relationships for each individual.

how childhood affects relationships as an adult

 

Moving Forward with Your Imago

When tensions rise and emotions flare up, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. If you don’t, the same issues are going to come up in the next serious relationship you have…and the next one, and the next one. When you find your Imago, EXPECT that you are going to have issues, usually somewhere between 6 months to 2 years into the relationship.

We can’t outrun our issues and they will always catch up to us no matter who we are with. If you love the one you are with, make the commitment to stay and work it out. It won’t be easy, but if you are in the right relationship, and you both put in the work, it will be worth it. 

A great read by Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want does a great job of helping couples work through their childhood wounds through a series of exercises. However, this book does require a significant amount of emotional vulnerability and insight and I find it is often best to complete the exercises with the guidance of an experienced in-person or online couples therapist.

To book a free consultation with one of our online couples therapists, check out our team page here.