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An Expert Guide to Taking a Break In a Relationship

by Dr. Sarah Schewitz | Feb 3, 2023

Taking a break in a relationship is an agreed-upon pause where you step back to get clarity without officially breaking up. It can be healthy, but only with clear rules: how long it lasts, how much you talk, and whether seeing other people is on or off the table.

Hitting a rough patch in your relationship is…well…rough. You might be fighting all the time. You might be pointing fingers and placing blame over conflicts big and small. Maybe you and your partner have different values or maybe one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. Either way, you’re starting to think about taking a break in a relationship.

If this sounds like you, then you’re not alone. We work with many couples who have had moments like this. They’ve wondered if they should stick it out or break up. They’ve questioned whether they were ready to take the next step in their relationship.

Having these challenges are, for many couples, just part of their journey. And taking a break in a relationship can be exactly what they need to move forward together (or apart). If you’re considering a break from your partner, this post is for you.

Couples Learn founder and therapist Dr. Sarah Schewitz recently shared her insight into relationship breaks with Cosmopolitan magazine. Now, we’re breaking this subject down even further.

Keep reading to learn more about how to know if you should take a break in a relationship and how to make it work if you do.

Reasons to Take a Break In a Relationship

Thinking about a break with your partner can feel really scary and overwhelming – especially if you’ve been together for a long time or have built a family together. But taking a break really can be beneficial.

If you have been fighting a lot, a break can help you get some space from the ups and downs of conflict. This can help you reflect more accurately on the pros and cons of the relationship and look at the problem from a less emotional place.

For some (especially those with an avoidant attachment style), getting some space from your partner can help you feel more regulated and reconnect to the loving feelings you have for your partner. In other words, absence really can make the heart grow fonder.

Taking a break can also help you see firsthand what life would be like if you and your partner split up. You may see just how much you miss your partner, or you may see that you are better off without them. Either way, taking a break in a relationship gives you the space to figure that out.

Is it Healthy to Take a Break In a Relationship?

Taking a break can be one of the healthiest things you could do for your relationship. Especially if you are fighting all the time or struggling with codependency, it might actually be healthier to figure out the future of your relationship while you are apart.

Taking a break can give both partners space to work on themselves and heal their past traumas in individual therapy without getting reactivated and triggered all the time.

Breaks become unhealthy when they are done out of anger or as punishment. Stonewalling, or icing your partner out, is a very unhealthy behavior in relationships and is not the same thing as taking a break.

A couple sits outside talking about taking a break in a relationship

Is Taking a Break the Same As Breaking Up?

Taking a break is also not the same thing as breaking up. While some couples who decide to take a break do eventually break up permanently, it does not have to end that way.

It all depends on how the couple – and the individuals involved – approach the situation. With clear expectations and communication, a break can be exactly what it sounds like: a break.

How to Take a Break In a Relationship

If you’re considering taking a break in a relationship, there’s a lot to think about. Keep reading for our best advice on how to go about starting a temporary break.

When to Take a Break In a Relationship

When to take a break is a very personal decision. You might want to wait until a time when you and your partner will have the time and space to seek therapy, focus on self-care and make the most of your time apart.

If your lives are very intertwined, you might also need to look ahead to vacations, weddings and other events planned far in advance. While you certainly do not need to plan a relationship break around life events, it’s worth taking these items into consideration if your relationship hasn’t reached a state of crisis..

How to Ask for a Break In a Relationship

If you’re considering taking a break in a relationship then it’s likely your partner at least has some idea that things aren’t exactly going well. But no matter how much you and your partner have discussed your issues as a couple, going on a break requires a clear and direct conversation.

It might be painful or awkward, but a break must start with a clear line of communication if you have any chance of coming back together at the end.

Communicate with your partner why you want to take a break and what you hope a break will do for your relationship. Be kind, but be honest. And be honest with yourself, too. Ask yourself if you truly want to take a temporary break, or if you’re just trying to soften the blow of an actual break-up.

How to Set Rules for Taking a Break In a Relationship

One of the most important things to discuss when taking a break in a relationship is your ground rules for the time apart.

This is another time when open and honest communication is key. If you want the chance to get back together at the end of the break, you need to figure out in advance what you both are comfortable with (and what you are not) and have clear boundaries.

Some questions to answer to help you create those boundaries include:

What is the purpose of this break? What are we hoping to discover about ourselves or the relationship by taking a break?
How long will the break be?
How often will we communicate during the break, if at all?
Are we allowed to date other people during this break? If so, what are the boundaries around this? (e.g. just chatting on apps, going out on actual dates, boundaries around physical touch on dates, will you tell each other, etc.)

Once you and your partner agree on boundaries, prepare to stick to them and communicate honestly about these boundaries during and after your break.

A couple lays in bed after a fight and considering taking a break in a relationship

How long should a break in a relationship last?

There’s no research-backed perfect length for a break. What matters more is that you both agree on a specific end date before the break starts. It should be long enough to actually reflect, but short enough that it doesn’t quietly turn into a breakup.

I know it can feel scary to put a date on it. You might be thinking, “What if I’m not ready by then?” That’s okay. An end date isn’t a deadline for having everything figured out. It’s a planned moment to check in and decide together what comes next, whether that’s getting back together, extending the break, or ending things.

A break with no end date is where couples tend to get stuck. Without one, you’re both left in limbo, unsure whether you’re together, apart, or somewhere in between. Research on on-again, off-again couples by communication researcher René Dailey found that these partners were less satisfied and more uncertain about where their relationship stood. Her work also found that the cycling had more to do with how the couple handled conflict together than with either partner’s personality.

A few things can help you choose the right length for your relationship:

Why you’re taking the break. Cooling off after weeks of constant fighting usually needs less time than sorting out a big question like marriage or kids.
What you each plan to do with the time. If one of you is starting individual therapy, give it enough time to actually help.
How much contact you’ll have. A break with no contact at all can start to feel very long very quickly, so factor that in.
Whether a real-life date is coming up, like a lease renewal or a family event, that you’ll need to decide by.

When your end date arrives, sit down together and talk honestly about what you each learned. If you’re still unsure, it’s okay to extend the break once, with a new date. If you keep extending it, that’s usually a sign you need more support to make the decision. A couples therapist can help you sort through it, and my guide on whether to stay together or break up is a good place to start.

What to Do During a Break in a Relationship

Even couples who feel strongly about taking a break in a relationship often find the break itself very challenging. After all, you probably spend a lot of time with your partner. Knowing what to do instead can be difficult.

The best way to spend your time apart is to focus on yourself and figuring out what you want from your relationship and your future.

Take lots of time for self-care or to reconnect with the friends or hobbies that may have taken a backseat to your relationship. Make sure to also think about your plans for the future, particularly if differing values or goals were part of the catalyst for your break.

Consider getting individual therapy, too. A therapist can help you work through relationship issues, heal past traumas that might be affecting your relationship and improve your communication skills. A therapist can also help you explore what you want for your future and help you decide whether getting back together with your partner is part of that vision.

How to Get Back Together After a Break

Before you start exploring how to end your break and get back together, it’s important that you and your partner are both confident you want to get back together.

If you’re both on the same page, then honest communication will once again be your best tool. Discuss the issues that lead you to the break in the first place and come up with a plan for how you’ll manage those challenges going forward.

If you were disagreeing about marriage, kids or other major life plans, discuss those too. Make sure you’re able to come to an agreement that works for both of you before you decide to get back together.

Remember to stick to the boundaries set around your break as well. If you agreed before the break that you would not be discussing what you did with your time, then don’t discuss it. Respect the boundary set and aim to rebuild trust with your partner.

A couple is sad while sitting outside and talking about taking a break in a relationship

Are Successful Relationships After Break Up Possible?

Yes, they are absolutely possible! But they do require understanding, patience, communication and trust.

Many relationships have withstood breaks. A break can help both partners reflect on the importance of the relationship in their life and can lead to a reinvigorated commitment to the relationship.

While not every relationship will work out, taking a break in a relationship can absolutely improve your partnership.

Things Not to Do After a Break

If you’re hoping that taking a break will lead to getting back together, then it’s important to avoid a few key things.

Most importantly, don’t break your ground rules or go against the boundaries you and your partner agreed upon. Typically you’ll also want to avoid discussing any dates or other romantic encounters either of you experienced while on the break (unless you determined beforehand that you would talk about them).

Additionally, it’s really important not to hold the break against one another, assuming that no boundaries were crossed. If you and your partner decided that you could go on dates with other people while on a break, for example, then it will be key not to use dates against one another during conflict going forward.

Work to rebuild trust with your partner by communicating often and honestly.

Taking a break in a relationship FAQs

What is a break in a relationship?

A break is a planned, agreed-upon pause where you spend time apart to get clarity without officially breaking up. You both decide the rules ahead of time, including how long it lasts, how much you’ll talk, and whether dating other people is allowed. It’s different from a breakup because you’ve both agreed to come back and make a decision together.

How long should a break in a relationship last?

There’s no research-backed perfect length. The most important thing is to agree on a specific end date before the break starts, long enough to reflect but short enough that it doesn’t drift into a breakup by default. When that date arrives, check in and decide together what comes next.

Is taking a break in a relationship healthy?

It can be. A break can give you both space to calm down, work on yourselves, and figure out what you want without getting triggered by each other every day. It becomes unhealthy when it’s used to punish your partner or to avoid a hard conversation.

Should you talk during a break?

That’s something to decide together before the break starts. Some couples agree to no contact so they can really reflect, while others schedule short check-ins. Whatever you choose, the key is that you both agree on it and stick to it.

Do couples get back together after a break?

Some do and some don’t, and both outcomes can be healthy. A break tends to go better when you both use the time to work on the issues that led to it, rather than just waiting it out. If you do get back together, talk openly about what will be different this time.

Get Support To Come Back Together

If you’re thinking about taking a break in a relationship (or you already have), don’t overlook the value of couples therapy as part of this process.

Whether you need support when coming back together after a break or want help outlining the rules of the break itself, a couples therapist can help you navigate these challenging times for your relationship.

Contact Couples Learn today to get started and learn more about our online couples therapy services.

A couple cuddles together while sitting outside

Stages of Grief in a Breakup: How to Get Over A Broken Heart

by Dr. Sarah Schewitz | Jul 16, 2018

Have you ever been healing from a breakup and wondered if and when you will ever feel normal again? If you answered “yes” you are not alone – and you’re not imagining the pain. In fact, the stages of grief in a breakup are real and they’re hard.

Sometimes, when you’re getting over a breakup, it feels like a part of you has died inside. That’s because, in a way, a part of you has died. It’s the part of you that counted on your partner and maybe even had plans for the future.

When you lose a significant relationship, you grieve that loss just like you would if someone had actually died.

One of the world’s greatest experts on grieving was a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. She studied death and dying and came up with a model that explains the grieving process.

In her model of the stages of grief, Kubler-Ross breaks down grieving into five stages. These stages of grief are probably the best understanding that healers have of the grieving process.

But dealing with a loved one’s death isn’t the only healing process that can follow the stages of grieving. Breakups, too, can be experienced in these five stages. Understanding the grieving process can help you with healing from a breakup.

What is Breakup Grief?

Breakup grief is exactly what it sounds like: the deep pain and sense of loss you can feel after a breakup with a significant other. This breakup grief can include a wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger to loneliness, confusion and guilt.

When you’re grieving a relationship, you’re not only mourning the loss of your partner but also the hopes, dreams and future plans you had with that partner. It’s no surprise that mourning a breakup can feel so intense!

People dealing with a breakup may experience different stages of grief, much like after a loved one dies. It’s also common to experience emotional and even physical symptoms of grief.

Emotional Symptoms of Grief After a Breakup

Anxiety
Depression
Feelings of rejection, jealousy or anger
Less self-esteem
Mood swings
Intrusive thoughts
Forgetfulness

Physical Symptoms of Breakup Grief

Shakiness
Nausea
Muscle tension
Headaches
Difficulty breathing
Difficulty sleeping
Loss of appetite
Weight loss or weight gain

Understanding the stages of grief in a relationship - healing from a breakup

Are There Grief Stages of a Breakup?

Research the stages of grief after a breakup and you’ll get a lot of conflicting information. Some experts talk about the 5 stages of grief after breakup. Others talk about 7 different stages. Still, others say there are no real stages at all.

So, what should you believe? In my years of working as an online couple and individual therapist, I’ve helped hundreds of clients navigate relationship challenges and even breakups. And I’ve seen that breakup grief is very real.

Still, it’s important to keep in mind that the actual stages of grief in a breakup are not set in stone. It’s common to begin to move through the stages of grief only to fall back to an earlier stage. It’s also common to experience these stages out of order.

Don’t get discouraged if your emotions after a breakup don’t match up with the grief experiences below. Instead, use the information to better understand your feelings and support yourself through the process of grieving.

5 Stages of Grief in a Breakup

The five stages of grief in a breakup are the same as they are when healing from the death of a loved one. And they can often feel just as painful.

The five stages are as follows:

Denial

Denial is the first of the stages of grief in a breakup. In this stage, you don’t feel much besides numb. Denial, which is sometimes called shock, is an important stage because it allows you to ease into your grief. When you are in denial, you usually haven’t fully understood what has happened and you aren’t yet feeling any of the difficult feelings that you will soon be facing.

It might sound like staying in denial would be better than going through your grieving process, but it isn’t because if you get stuck in denial, you can’t focus on healing from a breakup.

Anger

When you are experiencing anger as one of the stages of grief in a breakup, you feel, well, angry. You may be angry at your ex, angry at yourself, angry at whomever you blame for breaking the two of you up, or you may even be angry at God. However your anger shows up, know that it is important for you to feel it.

Note: I said “feel it,” not “act on it.” That’s a very important distinction! Acting on your anger can cause you more problems for your future and usually isn’t helpful for getting over a breakup. But allowing yourself to feel your anger is an essential step to healing. Find healthy outlets to express your anger such as taking a boxing class, going for a run, journaling about your feelings then tearing up the paper, or talking to a therapist.

Bargaining

In the bargaining stage of grief in a breakup, you want to go back to the past and fix or change what has happened. You might promise to never yell again if only you could have the relationship back as it was. Or you might wish your partner would just change his/her mind and come running back to you. In this stage you might also feel guilt and regret and wish that hindsight wasn’t 20/20.

Depression

After you realize that bargaining didn’t work, you go into the depression phase – one of the hardest stages of grief in a breakup. This is different from Clinical Depression because what you feel in this stage is a normal reaction to the loss of a relationship. You might feel sad or lost or just not yourself. You might have difficulty eating, sleeping, or enjoying activities in this stage. You’ll likely spend a lot of time wondering how to get over a breakup, and wondering when you’ll feel normal again.

Even though it feels like this stage will last forever, know that it won’t. In fact, none of the stages of grief in a breakup last forever. And, they aren’t linear either. Your grief will likely jump around from stage to stage before finally settling into the final stage.

Acceptance

In the acceptance stage of grief in a breakup, you begin to accept that things have changed and that the relationship you once enjoyed is not part of your life anymore. While you may not feel happy about this change, you can accept that it is true and learn to focus on other positive aspects of your life. This is also a great time to take a look at yourself and any areas for personal growth. Maybe you can finally learn French or take up gardening. Or perhaps you could learn what it’s like to date yourself for a while and just focus on you.

How to Navigate Grief After a Breakup

If you’re deep in these stages of breakup grief, it can be hard to see your way out of them. But there are some things you can do to help.

Feel Your Feelings

The pain, loss and loneliness you may experience have a breakup are hard, but it’s important to let yourself really feel those feelings. Otherwise, it can be hard to truly move on and heal. Don’t try to push away and suppress any emotions that come up. Instead, allow yourself to sit with them and take time to process them.

Adjust Your Life

One of the hardest parts about a breakup isn’t just the loss of a romantic relationship, but the total disruption it can have on your entire life. Your friend groups may be affected and your daily routines that once involved your partner suddenly have to shift. Embrace this change by focusing on creating new routines and habits that you really enjoy. Maybe your partner won’t be there to make you breakfast every morning anymore, but you can create a new morning tradition of enjoying a pastry from your favorite bakery.

Invest In Other Relationships

Remember: the loss of your relationship does not mean you are alone – even if it feels that way! Take the opportunity to invest in your relationships with family, friends and even coworkers. Say yes to invites you may have turned down before and focus on getting quality time with people you love.

The 6th Stage: Moving on From The Stages of Grief in a Breakup

After a breakup is a great time to start therapy or go on a retreat. Though getting over a breakup is hard as hell, it can also be the beginning of a breakthrough for those that choose to do the inner work and reflection.

Are there areas you could work on to be a better partner? Are there areas in which you could grow to become the type of person you want to attract?

Would working on how you communicate concerns to your partner help you uncover red flags sooner than you have in the past so you don’t waste time with partners that are not a good fit? Do you need to explore what a healthy relationship really looks like?

Even after you have gone through the stages of grief in a relationship, reached acceptance and done the inner work, know that anniversaries, birthdays, or other important events may bring up old feelings. Or feelings may just show up out of the blue for no reason. Grief is one heck of a roller coaster =(

FAQs About Breakup Grief

How long do the stages of grief after a breakup last?

Unfortunately, there’t no set timeline for the stages of grief after a breakup. It might be nice if there were! It could be easier to get through the tough times if we knew, for example, that we’d be through all the stages within two months.

But everyone’s journey through the grieving process is unique. Some may find themselves moving forward relatively quickly, while others take more time to navigate their emotions. Factors like the duration and nature of the relationship, personal coping mechanisms, and available support systems all play a role.

How do you survive a breakup when you are still in love?

Navigating a breakup when you’re still in love is undeniably tough. It’s like your heart and mind are in this constant tug-of-war. But there are ways to get through it.

First off, give yourself permission to feel your emotions. It’s okay to be sad, angry, confused, or even hopeful for a while. Just let those feelings wash over you without judgment.

Next, lean on your support system. Talk to friends or family who can lend a listening ear and offer comfort. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone in this can make a world of difference.

Consider setting boundaries, too. If staying in touch with your ex is making it harder for you to heal, it might be best to take some space for a while. It’s not about shutting them out completely, but rather giving yourself the time and space you need to process everything.

Self-care is crucial during this time. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you feel grounded.

And remember, healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and trust that, with each passing day, it’ll get a little easier. Eventually, you’ll find your way through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

What is the hardest time after a breakup?

The hardest time after a breakup can vary from person to person, but there are a few common phases that tend to be particularly challenging.

The very beginning of a breakup is often the hardest part. There’s often a period of shock and disbelief. It’s like the reality of the breakup hasn’t fully sunk in yet, and you’re grappling with this sense of loss and confusion. You may also be going no-contact after a breakup, which can be very emotional.

Then comes the wave of emotions. This is when all those feelings you’ve been trying to hold back come flooding in – sadness, anger, loneliness, you name it. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes it’s hard to see a way out.

But perhaps the hardest part of all is the uncertainty about the future. You’re not sure how you’re going to move on, or if you’ll ever find love again. It’s a time of doubt and insecurity, and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just take it one day at a time, and remember that you’re stronger than you think.

What not to do when healing from a breakup?

When it comes to healing from a breakup, there are a few things to avoid.

Most importantly, try not to suppress your emotions or numb yourself to the pain. It’s tempting to distract yourself with activities or substances to avoid feeling the hurt, but ultimately, this can prolong the healing process. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, even if it’s uncomfortable at times. This is an important part of the healing journey.

Secondly, avoid fixating on your ex or clinging to the past. It’s natural to reminisce about the good times or wonder what could have been, but dwelling on these thoughts can prevent you from moving forward.

Instead, focus on the present moment and invest in activities and relationships that nourish your growth and well-being. Give yourself the space to grieve the loss, but also recognize that your future holds endless possibilities beyond the confines of the past relationship.

How Therapy Can Help with Breakup Grief

Though the stages of getting over a breakup give an outline of what you may feel after the loss of a relationship, there is definitely a wide range of possible reactions to losing someone. And figuring out how to get over a broken heart is different for everyone.

Whatever you are feeling, know that it is okay and it eventually will pass. And if you need additional support to heal from a breakup, that’s ok!

Talking with a therapist can help. An individual therapist can help you navigate your emotions while going through the stages of grief, help you unpack the issues in your past relationship and also help you make sure that you are caring for yourself. A therapist can also help you work through any unhealthy relationship patterns you might experience with a partner, so you can enter any new relationships healed and more ready for partnership.

If you need help getting through the hard times or are ready to do that inner work, contact us to set up a free 30-minute consultation.