Imposter Syndrome in Relationships: Signs, Causes & How to Stop It

Imposter Syndrome in Relationships: Signs, Causes & How to Stop It

by | May 4, 2026

You found someone great. Like, genuinely great. They make you laugh. They text back in a reasonable amount of time. They actually listen when you talk. And somehow, in the middle of all that, a small and very unhelpful voice in your head keeps whispering: they are going to figure out you are not actually that great, and then it is over.

Welcome to imposter syndrome in relationships. And no, you are not being dramatic.

Imposter syndrome is most commonly associated with the workplace, where it was first identified in the late 1970s by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. But as I see over and over again in my work with couples, self-doubt does not clock out when you leave the office. 

It follows you home, into the bedroom, and straight into the best relationship you have ever had. And if you do not understand what is happening, it can quietly wreck things from the inside out. 

In this post, we are going to dig into what imposter syndrome in relationships actually looks like, why it happens, how it connects to your attachment style, and most importantly, what you can do about it.

What Is Imposter Syndrome in Relationships?

The original definition of imposter syndrome describes a persistent feeling of being a fraud, despite evidence to the contrary. In the professional world, that might mean believing you only got promoted because no one noticed your mistakes yet.

In relationships, it sounds more like this:

  • “They think I am more emotionally mature than I actually am.”
  • “If they knew the real me, they would leave.”
  • “I do not deserve someone this good.”
  • “This is too good to be true. Something is going to blow it up.”
  • “I am basically tricking them into loving me.”

Relationship imposter syndrome is the persistent belief that you are somehow unworthy of the love and connection you have, and that it is only a matter of time before your partner figures that out. 

It is not the same as garden-variety relationship anxiety, though they can overlap. It is specifically this sense that you are a fraud in the relationship, that your partner is operating on incomplete or incorrect information about who you really are.

And here is what makes it particularly sneaky: it tends to show up hardest when things are going well. When there is nothing actually wrong, your brain invents the threat.

How Common Is Imposter Syndrome in Relationships?

It’s extremely common. Research suggests roughly 70% of people experience imposter syndrome at some point in their lives, and while most of that research has focused on the professional realm, therapists across the board have recognized that it bleeds into personal relationships at a significant rate.

It is especially common among people who grew up in environments where love felt conditional, people who experienced criticism, neglect, or instability in childhood, high achievers who hold themselves to impossible standards in every area of life, and anyone who has been hurt badly in a past relationship and now expects history to repeat itself.

In other words: a lot of people. If you’re one of them (and given that you’re reading this post there’s a good chance you are), it does not mean something is fundamentally broken about you. It means you are human, and your brain has learned to protect itself in ways that are no longer actually helpful. 

This is actually one of the things we work on a lot in individual therapy for relationship issues, because this kind of pattern tends to have roots that go back well before your current relationship.

Signs of Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

The tricky thing about imposter syndrome is that it is good at disguising itself as other things, like being “realistic,” or “humble,” or “not getting your hopes up.” Here are the real signs to look for.

1. You Are Waiting to Get Found Out

Even when things are going well, you are bracing for the moment your partner discovers you are not actually who they think you are. You cannot just be happy. You are running threat assessments in the background at all times.

2. You Downplay or Deflect Compliments

Your partner tells you they love how thoughtful you are. You immediately think of three times last week you were not thoughtful at all. Compliments do not land. Instead, they trigger your internal contradiction engine.

3. You Feel Like You Are Performing

There is a version of you that shows up on dates, in arguments, in vulnerable moments, and then there is the “real” you that you are terrified to let out. The relationship starts to feel like an ongoing audition.

A woman sits with her head in her hands while struggling with imposter syndrome in a relationship

4. You Are Convinced Your Partner Could Do Better

Not in a self-deprecating joke kind of way. In a genuinely-believe-it and it-makes-you-anxious way. You wonder why they are choosing you when they could have someone more attractive, more successful, more emotionally stable.

5. You Struggle to Accept Love Without Suspicion

When your partner does something loving, your first instinct is to wonder what is behind it. Not because they have given you reason to be suspicious, but because being loved feels unfamiliar or undeserved.

6. You Self-Sabotage

This is the big one. Self-sabotage in relationships often operates as a preemptive strike. If you end things, or create a conflict, or pull away, before they can “discover the truth,” then you are in control of the outcome. It is deeply counterproductive, but it makes psychological sense as a coping mechanism.

7. You Over-Function or Over-Please

Some people respond to imposter syndrome by working overtime to earn their place in the relationship. Always putting the other person first. Never asking for what they need. Saying yes when they mean no. This is different from being a generous partner. This is over-functioning driven by the belief that your authentic self is not enough to keep someone around, so you have to keep performing.

8. You Find It Hard to Be Fully Present

When you are too busy monitoring yourself and your performance, you cannot actually be in the relationship. You are watching yourself from the outside rather than experiencing connection from the inside. This often shows up as emotional distance that your partner can feel, even when you are physically right there.

What Are the Different Types of Imposter Syndrome in Relationships?

Not all relationship imposter syndrome looks the same. Here are the most common varieties I see in my online couples therapy practice.

The Perfectionist

You set extremely high standards for yourself as a partner and feel like a fraud every time you fall short. One bad fight, one moment of being less than your best, and the evidence is in: you are terrible at this. You do not factor in the 90% of the time you are showing up beautifully.

The Lone Ranger

You got here on your own. You have been self-sufficient your whole life. Now someone wants to actually help and support you, and it feels wrong somehow, like you are taking something you did not earn. Accepting love or help triggers the feeling that you are weak, needy, or a burden.

The Natural Genius

You believe that if you were really good at relationships, things would come easily. When they do not, when communication is hard or conflict arises, you take that as proof that you are not actually cut out for this. The learning curve feels like failure.

The Expert

You have read all the books. You know all the therapy terms. You consider yourself a self-aware, emotionally intelligent person. And now you are terrified that your partner is going to see some moment where you are not any of those things and realize you have been faking depth you do not really have.

The Fraud

This is the most direct form. You genuinely believe you have presented a version of yourself to your partner that is better than the reality, and that the truth will eventually destroy the relationship. There is a constant sense of living on borrowed time.

How Does Imposter Syndrome Relate to Attachment Styles?

This is where it gets really interesting, and where the psychology runs deep. Your attachment style is the blueprint your nervous system developed in early childhood for how relationships work, whether they are safe, whether you are lovable, and what to do when closeness feels threatening.

Research on the imposter phenomenon and attachment has found a meaningful connection, particularly with insecure attachment styles. Here is how it breaks down.

Anxious Attachment and Imposter Syndrome

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably already know what hypervigilance feels like in relationships. You scan for signs that something is wrong. You interpret your partner’s bad mood as evidence that you did something to cause it. 

Add imposter syndrome to the mix, and you get a particularly brutal combination: not only are you afraid of losing the relationship, you are also convinced you never actually deserved it.

Avoidant Attachment and Imposter Syndrome

Avoidant attachment involves pulling back from intimacy when it gets too close. For people with this style, imposter syndrome can feel like confirmation that they were right to keep their distance. Getting close means risking exposure. So they stay behind the glass, engaged enough to maintain the relationship but never fully in it. If you see yourself in this, you might also want to read about what emotional unavailability really looks like.

Fearful Attachment and Imposter Syndrome

Fearful or disorganized attachment is the combination of wanting closeness desperately while also finding it terrifying. Research has found that people with preoccupied or fearful attachment styles endorse imposter syndrome at higher rates than those with secure attachment. When you both crave and fear intimacy, the imposter narrative gives you a reason to keep one foot out the door at all times: you cannot fully commit because eventually the fraud will be discovered anyway.

Secure Attachment as the Antidote

People with secure attachment styles are not immune to imposter syndrome, but they tend to have a better internal foundation for challenging those thoughts. They have an internalized sense that they are fundamentally okay, and that their partner’s love is not contingent on performing perfectly. This is actually something that therapy can help you build, even if you did not start out with it. We call it earned secure attachment, and it is very much a real thing you can work toward.

A woman sits on a couch with her hands folded

Why Does Imposter Syndrome Happen in Relationships?

Understanding where this comes from is not just interesting trivia. It is essential if you want to actually change it. Here are the most common roots.

Childhood Experiences

If love in your family of origin was conditional, tied to your performance or behavior, you likely grew up learning that you had to earn your place. That lesson does not disappear when you become an adult. It just relocates to your romantic relationships. How childhood affects your relationships is one of the most important things to understand if you are trying to break a pattern that has been with you for decades.

Past Relationship Trauma

If a previous partner cheated on you, left without explanation, or consistently made you feel like you were not enough, your brain may have filed that away as truth. You did not just lose that relationship. You absorbed a narrative about your own worth. And now that narrative is showing up in a relationship where it no longer applies.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are deeply intertwined. When you hold yourself to impossible standards, any deviation from perfect becomes evidence of fraud. Perfectionism also makes it very difficult to tolerate the inherent messiness of real intimacy, because real intimacy requires letting someone see you when you are not at your best.

Low Self-Worth and Negative Self-Talk

At its core, imposter syndrome in relationships is a self-worth issue wearing a costume. The belief that you are fundamentally not enough, not lovable, not deserving of good things, drives the whole narrative. And because it is a belief rather than a fact, it can be changed. That is the good news.

Cognitive Distortions

Things like catastrophizing, mind-reading, and all-or-nothing thinking all fuel imposter syndrome. You assume the worst outcome. You decide you know what your partner is really thinking. You see one flaw and conclude it cancels out everything good. These are cognitive distortions in relationships, and they are fixable with the right tools.

How Imposter Syndrome Affects Your Relationship

Let’s be direct about the impact, because ignoring it does not make it go away.

It Creates Emotional Distance

When you are performing instead of connecting, your partner can feel the gap even if they cannot name it. You are physically present but emotionally behind a wall. Over time, that distance breeds disconnection.

It Invites Self-Sabotage

Starting unnecessary fights. Pulling away when things get too good. Finding reasons the relationship will not work. These are all ways imposter syndrome can cause you to blow up a perfectly good thing before it has a chance to disappoint you. This connects directly to patterns we see in one-sided relationship dynamics, where one person is never fully letting the other in.

It Makes You Settle

On the flip side, some people with imposter syndrome do not sabotage. Instead, they stay in situations that are clearly not working because they believe they do not deserve better. They cannot see the red flags in their relationship clearly because they are too busy questioning their own worth.

It Strains Communication

It is hard to ask for what you need when you believe you do not deserve much. It is hard to be vulnerable when you are convinced vulnerability will expose the fraud. And it is hard to have productive conflict when every disagreement becomes evidence of your inadequacy. If you recognize this dynamic, communication exercises for couples can be a genuinely useful starting point.

It Can Burn Out Your Partner Too

Partners of people with significant imposter syndrome often find themselves in an exhausting loop of constant reassurance. They offer love, you deflect it. They offer a compliment, you counter it. They tell you that you are enough, you explain why they are wrong. That gets old fast, and it is not fair to either of you.

A woman comforts a man who is feeling like an imposter in a relationship

How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

Here is where the real work begins. And I will warn you upfront: this is not a “journal about your feelings for three days and you are cured” situation. This is sustained, intentional work. But it absolutely can be done.

1. Name It

Before you can challenge imposter syndrome in relationships, you have to recognize when it is operating. Start keeping track of the specific thoughts. What does your imposter voice sound like? When does it get loudest? The more clearly you can see the pattern, the more power you have to interrupt it.

2. Challenge the Evidence

Your imposter voice states things as facts. Your job is to act like a detective and actually examine the evidence. If the thought is “I am tricking them into thinking I am a good partner,” what is the actual evidence? What have you done in this relationship that reflects care, effort, and genuine presence? The evidence almost always contradicts the imposter narrative.

3. Separate Feelings from Facts

Feeling like a fraud does not make you one. Feeling unworthy does not make you unworthy. This sounds simple and it is genuinely hard. Feelings are not facts. They are information, sometimes accurate, sometimes wildly off base, and they require examination.

4. Practice Receiving

If you struggle to accept love, appreciation, or compliments, start practicing. Do not deflect the next compliment. Just say thank you. Let it land. Notice what happens in your body. Receiving without immediately neutralizing it is a skill, and like all skills, it improves with repetition.

5. Get Honest with Your Partner

This one requires courage. Telling your partner, “I sometimes feel like I am not enough for you, and that you are going to figure that out,” is terrifying and also incredibly powerful. It takes something that has been living in the dark and brings it into the light. And more often than not, your partner’s response will be exactly the reality check you needed.

6. Work on Your Self-Worth Independent of the Relationship

Your sense of worthiness cannot be entirely dependent on how your relationship is going. That creates a fragile foundation. Invest in your own interests, friendships, values, and goals. Build a self-concept that is not contingent on whether your partner had a good day or said the right thing.

7. Address the Roots

If this runs deep, and for many people it does, the imposter syndrome is going to keep regenerating until you address the underlying beliefs. That might mean looking at how childhood experiences shaped your relationship patterns, examining attachment wounds, or working through the aftermath of past relationship trauma. This is where therapy is genuinely indispensable.

How to Help a Partner with Imposter Syndrome

If you are reading this not for yourself but because you are watching someone you love struggle with this, here is what you need to know.

Reassurance Has Its Limits

This is the hard truth. You can tell your partner they are wonderful until you are blue in the face, and if they have deep imposter syndrome, it will not stick. Not because they do not love you or trust you, but because the problem is an internal belief system, not an information gap. You cannot fix it by providing more information.

Name What You See Without Shame

Gently. Something like, “I notice that when I tell you something I love about you, you almost always push back. I wonder what that is about for you?” is very different from “you never accept compliments and it is exhausting.” Curiosity opens doors. Frustration usually slams them.

Encourage Them to Get Support

Suggest therapy. Not as a criticism, but as a resource. “I think this is something a therapist could really help with, and I want you to feel like you belong here with me” is a compassionate way to do it. You might also find our article on what to do when your partner refuses therapy useful if that is where you are.

Do Not Enable the Avoidance

Consistently bailing your partner out of situations that trigger their imposter feelings, covering for them, or managing their self-esteem for them, does not actually help them. It reinforces the idea that they need to be protected from reality, which is not what love is supposed to do.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Loving someone with significant imposter syndrome can be emotionally draining. Make sure you have your own support system. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot fix another person’s relationship with their own self-worth. Dealing with resentment in relationships is something worth addressing before it builds to a breaking point.

A couple smiles and stands in front of an ocean after overcoming imposter syndrome in relationships

When to Seek Professional Help

Honestly? Most people dealing with significant imposter syndrome in their relationships would benefit from working with a therapist. Here is how to know it has crossed from “something to be aware of” into “something to actively address with professional support.”

  • Your imposter syndrome is causing you to consider ending a relationship that is otherwise healthy.
  • You are staying in an unhealthy relationship because you do not believe you deserve better.
  • The self-sabotage is repetitive, and you cannot seem to stop it – even when you know what is happening.
  • It is significantly affecting your ability to be emotionally present with your partner.
  • Your partner is reaching their limit with the constant need for reassurance.
  • The anxiety around being “found out” is affecting your mental health more broadly.

Individual therapy can help you untangle the roots, challenge the thought patterns, and build a more secure sense of self. Couples therapy can help you and your partner understand the dynamic together,r and develop new ways of communicating that do not leave both of you exhausted. If you want to explore what approach might be right for your situation, check out our breakdown of different couples therapy approaches and what each one is designed to address.

FAQs About Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

What does imposter syndrome feel like in a relationship?

It typically feels like a persistent sense that you are not really worthy of your partner’s love, that you have somehow misrepresented yourself, and that it is only a matter of time before they figure that out. It can also show up as difficulty accepting compliments, anxiety when things are going well, or a strong urge to self-sabotage.

Is imposter syndrome in relationships the same as low self-esteem?

They overlap significantly but are not identical. Low self-esteem is a more general belief about your overall worth. Imposter syndrome is specifically about feeling like a fraud, that your positive qualities are a performance or a mistake, rather than real. You can have decent overall self-esteem and still experience imposter syndrome in particular areas of your life, including romantic relationships.

Can imposter syndrome cause you to self-sabotage a good relationship?

Absolutely, and this is one of the most painful ways it shows up. If your brain is convinced the relationship will eventually fail when your partner “discovers the truth,” it may start working to make that happen on its own timeline, where you at least have some control over the outcome. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to stopping it.

Does imposter syndrome go away on its own?

Sometimes it lessens naturally over time, especially in a relationship where you consistently experience being loved through your imperfect moments. But for many people, without intentional work, the patterns persist and can resurface during periods of stress or vulnerability. Therapy is generally more reliable than waiting it out.

How is imposter syndrome in relationships connected to attachment styles?

Research shows that insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious and fearful attachment, are associated with higher rates of imposter syndrome. This makes sense because both involve a fundamental uncertainty about whether you are lovable and whether relationships are safe. Earned secure attachment, which can be developed through therapy and consistently safe relationships, tends to reduce imposter syndrome over time.

What is the best therapy for relationship imposter syndrome?

There is no single answer, because it depends on what is driving it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is highly effective for challenging the specific thought patterns. Emotionally Focused Therapy is particularly useful if the imposter syndrome is tied to attachment wounds and emotional disconnection. EMDR may be appropriate if past trauma is involved. A good therapist will help you figure out which approach fits your situation. You can read more in our guide to couples therapy approaches and how to choose.

Can couples therapy help with imposter syndrome?

Yes, especially when the imposter syndrome is affecting your communication, intimacy, or creating a dynamic where your partner is burning out from over-reassuring you. Couples therapy creates a space to name what is happening together, understand it, and develop new patterns. Check out our page on online couples therapy to learn more about how we approach this kind of work.

Dr. Sarah’s Verdict on Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

Imposter syndrome in relationships is sneaky, painful, and incredibly common. It convinces you that the love in your life is a mistake waiting to be corrected. And the cruel irony is that the more you believe it, the more it can actually damage the relationship it is supposedly predicting will fail.

Here is the truth: your partner chose you. Not the performance. Not the carefully curated version. You, with all the parts you are trying to hide. And the longer you spend waiting for the fraud to be discovered, the longer you are not actually in the relationship you want so badly.

You deserve to be present for it. All of it. And if imposter syndrome is getting in the way of that, getting some support to address it is not weakness. It is the smartest thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship.

Need help navigating imposter syndrome in your relationship? Contact Couples Learn or schedule a free 30-minute consultation to learn more.

EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

EMDR Therapy: Understanding How An EMDR Therapist Can Help You

by | Oct 16, 2020

Are you having emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation? Snapping at loved ones or feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and unfulfilled in your life and relationships? If so, you may be experiencing the effects of unresolved trauma and you may benefit from EMDR therapy. 

Many clients come to Couples Learn to understand how past traumatic experiences shape the way they are showing up in their relationships. One of the most efficient ways to heal from past experiences and cultivate fulfilling relationships is through EMDR therapy. You may have heard friends or colleagues mention EMDR therapy, but wonder how it really works, and if it could be right for you. So what does EMDR stand for? And why does the name sound so complicated? This article will explore what EMDR therapy is, how it works, and how to find a qualified EMDR therapist.

EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy may conjure up images of laying on a couch being hypnotized, but it’s actually far from its seemingly “woo woo” sounding name. EMDR therapy is backed by years of research and it is recommended by the American Psychological Association as a successful trauma treatment. 

EMDR therapy was founded by Clinical Psychologist Francine Shapiro Ph.D. in 1987, after she realized that bilateral stimulation on the body can impact the way the brain processes information. EMDR works by engaging the brain’s natural healing process to re-process painful past experiences that were stored improperly at the time of the traumatic experience. Engaging in EMDR therapy with a trained EMDR therapist can help to reduce trauma, anxiety, depression, panic disorder symptoms, and relationship issues.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

If you have found yourself confused after Googling “EMDR definition” and attempting to decipher the results, this section can shed some light on what EMDR really is. 

Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an evidenced-based trauma treatment that helps alleviate psychological distress caused by traumatic memories and negative beliefs. In fact, the research shows that EMDR therapy is the most efficient trauma treatment available. According to a publication through The EMDR International Association, EMDR was recently named the most cost-effective treatment for adults with PTSD. The average number of sessions needed to heal from trauma, and alleviate symptoms of anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and other mental health concerns is much shorter than a cycle of treatment using other evidence based methods.

The EMDR Therapy Process

EMDR therapy sessions can help you handle trauma

EMDR works by using bilateral stimulation to guide the brain to reprocess a distressing memory. Bilateral stimulation is the process of stimulating each side of your brain, one at a time. This left-brain right-brain alternating stimulation is achieved through sound, touch, or eye movements. For example, you might listen to a beep played through headphones that alternates playing in your left ear, then your right ear. Or, you may follow a light with your eyes that causes them to move from left to right. Or, you may hold buzzers in your hands that gently vibrate left and right or tap your own shoulders with your hands, alternating left to right. Your EMDR therapist will help you to find the bilateral stimulation option that is most comfortable.

It is hypothesized that the process of bilateral stimulation mimics the process of REM sleep when our eyes move left to right rapidly. REM sleep is the time when our brain processes and stores the events and emotions from our day. After reprocessing in EMDR therapy, the brain retains the memory without the powerful emotions associated with it. Just like “sleeping on it” often helps give you new perspective on an issue. Most clients report feeling lighter, and as though the negative event has less power over them after EMDR treatment. 

The beauty of EMDR therapy is it doesn’t require extensive discussion of the memories or lengthy homework in between sessions. It is helpful for moving through trauma in a more manageable way than having to tell all the details of your trauma and reopening emotional wounds over and over again through talk therapy. Research also shows that after engaging in a successful EMDR treatment for one issue, the brain actually has greater resiliency in managing future traumas and healing from them more effectively.

What is EMDR Therapy Used For?

Who can benefit from EMDR therapy? You may be thinking, I haven’t suffered any major traumatic events so I’m not sure EMDR is really for me. Most people associate trauma with major events such as physical assault, sexual abuse, natural disasters, a car accident, or other life threatening events. These experiences are indeed trauma and they are what we call big “T” trauma in the psychological world. EMDR Therapy is very effective in treating big “T” traumas.

However, many people have experienced non-life threatening trauma, called small “t” traumas which are often just as impactful and can be especially harmful to functioning in relationships. Small “t” traumas are things like emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, racism, homophobia, and bullying. These small “t” traumas often happen repeatedly to the same individual throughout childhood and possibly even adulthood, causing many challenges in functioning and sometimes even leading to a disorder called Complex PTSD. There is a specific type of EMDR called Attachment Focused EMDR Therapy which is particularly helpful in treating the developmental trauma associated with small “t” traumas and Complex PTSD.

EMDR has been shown to be clinically useful for treating anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. It can also be used to help strengthen attachments, heal relationship wounds, and benefit couples therapy. 

EMDR for PTSD 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD is a psychological disorder that develops as a result of a big “T” trauma or a trauma where you believed your life was at risk. Symptoms of PTSD include nightmares, hypervigilance, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, difficulty controlling your emotions, and avoidance of things that remind you of the trauma. EMDR counseling works to reduce the emotional charge associated with the memory of the event and stop trauma triggers from sending you into re-experiencing the event. These flashbacks, which are common in PTSD survivors, can derail daily life and cause symptoms of avoidance and isolation which further deteriorate mental health. By getting to the root cause of the PTSD, and reducing the emotion associated with the traumatic event, an EMDR therapist can help you move past your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

a couple discussing EMDR therapy for trauma

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR therapy is most often used to treat trauma. EMDR for trauma and PTSD were the first methods of EMDR to be researched and used successfully. By engaging with traumatic memories in a small tolerable amount, you do the work with part of your awareness in the present moment, connected to your surroundings and current safety, while exploring the past distressing event. This allows your brain to send messages between the amygdala (responsible for regulating emotions) and the hippocampus (related to memory). This dual awareness of the past and present helps you to release the intense emotional portion of the memory while maintaining the understanding that the event occurred. 

EMDR for Anxiety

Similar to its power for treating trauma, EMDR for anxiety has also been shown to be highly effective. Most mental health issues are caused by negative experiences stored in our brains and labeled as dangerous, due to our evolutionary survival instincts. The brain is trying to protect itself from further trauma or potential death, so it carefully catalogues any distressing or perceived life threatening event and any details about what was happening at the time the event occured. The brain then responds to anything similar in the future as a potential threat and will send a signal to the body to get ready to fight, flight, or freeze to protect itself from the threat. 

These reminders often trigger an unwanted response. A trigger signals to the brain that a potentially dangerous situation (requiring an anxious response to protect ourselves) is about to occur. If you have experienced anxiety you may be able to remember the first time you felt anxious. This memory serves as a template for your anxious experiences and each time you experience another anxiety provoking event, your brain remembers it, flags it, and stores it in that channel of memories. EMDR therapy works to address the distressing memories which make you feel anxious and relieve your current symptoms. 

EMDR for Depression

EMDR for depression works in a similar way to EMDR for anxiety and trauma. Oftentimes, we create meaning and negative beliefs about ourselves from the experiences we have. For example, a lack of satisfaction or success in your job may cause you to have a belief about yourself that you are not competent. This is called a negative core belief. This belief about yourself likely causes you to feel unmotivated, ashamed, sad, and/or angry. You may also experience other symptoms, such as negative thought patterns, disengaging from activities you used to enjoy, and trouble sleeping. 

Oftentimes, you can link that negative core belief about yourself to a specific situation in which you were yelled at by a boss, or passed up for a promotion, or missed a deadline. Or, it may go even farther back to childhood experiences with a critical parent. Whatever the distressing memory, the resulting belief about yourself can be reframed through EMDR therapy. Although, you may not have undergone a life threatening event, the memory of a distressing situation can be reprocessed with dual awareness in the past and present with a trained EMDR therapist to help you move forward and develop a healthier view of yourself. 

EMDR Couples Therapy

Whether one partner has experienced a trauma which is impacting their level of distress, or both partners experienced a trauma conjointly, EMDR therapy can be helpful in healing the trauma and allowing the couple to move forward without being constantly re-triggered and falling into old unproductive patterns of communication and disconnection. EMDR couples therapy can involve one partner being a present supporter for their partner as they reprocess distressing memories or it can be used to build safe attachments with one another to strengthen the relationship.  

Healing from trauma? EMDR therapy can help

How Does EMDR Therapy Work? 

EMDR works by engaging in the brain’s natural healing process, in which information is moved back and forth between your right and left brain to be processed and stored. As mentioned above, this is done by using bilateral stimulation to re-process maladaptively stored memories due to painful past experiences. 

In EMDR therapy, you’ll be asked to think about a target memory and then begin and continue bilateral stimulation until the emotional disturbance of the memory is reduced. The bilateral stimulation activates the memory network associated with the traumatic memory and everything that needs to be processed will come forward. That’s the beauty of our brains and bodies – if we remove the blockages that are preventing our natural processes from taking place, our body can do what it needs to do to heal.

EMDR therapy does not hurt or require you to be connected to a machine. It can bring up painful past memories and cause you to feel the emotions or body sensations that are associated with the memories as you move through it but most people find this tolerable. Your EMDR therapist will work with you to create dual awareness so that you can maintain your awareness in the present moment where you are safe as you experience the sensations associated with the past memory. Your EMDR therapist will also teach you self-soothing tools to use during EMDR before you even start the processing.

How Will I Feel During EMDR Therapy?

EMDR Therapy does involve some emotional discomfort and fortitude to move through the distressing memories to allow the brain to process them in a new way and release the emotional power they have over you in the present moment. The only way to move forward is to move through it but you and your therapist will move at a pace that feels safe for you. The reprocessing portion of EMDR therapy is often described like being on a train and looking out the window at the changing scenery. You are aware of what you are seeing (past memories) but you allow it to pass you by as you move forward and leave behind the distressing feelings associated with the memories. 

When you finish reprocessing, you may feel a sense of lightness in your body, relaxation, or perhaps exhaustion. Many people describe feeling a sense of release, openness and peace. Everyone experiences EMDR differently, but some people may experience side effects of vivid dreams or fatigue directly following a session. Others report feeling emotionally vulnerable following a reprocessing session. Once you move through the process, you will experience effects of reduced sensitivity to triggers and be able to talk about the situation without becoming emotional, or having the negative symptoms you previously experienced. 

What to Expect in an EMDR Session

A typical EMDR session starts off with you getting to know your therapist, and the therapist helping you identify important events and memories linked to the disturbances you are experiencing. Once the history taking portion is completed, you will work with your EMDR therapist to identify memories to target first. Before tackling the distressing memories, you will develop various self-regulation skills to ensure that you are comfortable self-soothing and remaining within your window of tolerance for difficult emotions. The idea is that you develop the basic skills you need to ground yourself and get back to baseline, before addressing distressing memories so you feel more confident beginning the reprocessing.

After learning these important self-regulation skills, you will start with your chosen memory. Your EMDR therapist will help you identify the emotions associated with the memory, a negative belief about yourself, and a positive belief that you would prefer to have about yourself. You then identify where you feel the emotion in your body, and hold that in your awareness as you engage in bilateral stimulation (BLS). All methods of BLS are effective and the method used is based on personal preference and therapist discretion.

Online EMDR therapy sessions can be as effective as in person EMDR sessions.

Why EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR therapy works because it connects the old distressing memories with new information. You are accessing the traumatic memory in small manageable doses and paring it with new information and new beliefs about yourself. The brain naturally has the ability to heal from trauma. The problem is that sometimes these situations are so intense that they hijack the brain’s ability to access this natural healing and rational approach to the information. 

EMDR therapy helps the brain tap into its natural ability to move forward from the pain associated with the memory and access the safety present in the current moment. The unprocessed information at the time of a distressing event incorrectly causes the brain to store the emotions and related physical sensations along with that memory. Many psychological disorders are caused by this lack of processing and improper storage. Therapists use EMDR to tap into the brain’s natural process of storing information and pair the traumatic memories with adaptive information such as positive coping, reframed thoughts and beliefs, and new resources for support so that they don’t feel scary anymore. Through EMDR therapy, the brain can properly process the memory and alleviate the symptoms created by the maladaptively stored memories.

Finding an EMDR Therapist

If after reading about the effectiveness of EMDR therapy, you’re wondering where you can find an EMDR therapist, we’ve got you covered. The therapists at Couples Learn can provide you with skilled EMDR therapy to overcome painful past experiences, help you live the life you want to live and show up as the person you want to be in your relationships. We have therapists trained in both Attachment Focused EMDR as well as traditional EMDR Therapy. The best part is, you can do EMDR from the comfort of your home with online therapy from Couples Learn. Book your free consultation to learn more about our EMDR services and pricing.

Want to learn more about EMDR therapy at Couples Learn? Watch the video below to learn more about the EMDR therapy process and what to expect in an EMDR session.