Many individuals struggling in love are incredible people with a lot to offer but they are being held back by unconscious limiting beliefs about love and relationships.

Beliefs like:

• “I’m not good enough for the type of partner I really want.”
• “There must be something seriously wrong with me because everyone keeps leaving me.”
• “There is no one good left on the market. All the good ones are already married.”
• “All men/women are cheaters”
• “Love hurts”
• “Committing to someone means giving up my freedom.”

 Therapy For Singles

Many people who struggle in relationships didn’t have the healthiest love modeled for them in childhood. Their parents are often divorced or have an unhealthy dynamic – either fighting all the time or hardly connecting at all. Their parents may not have been very loving to them as children either. They were either too busy or preoccupied to care what you were doing or they were hyper critical, watching your every move. 

We tend to repeat what we don’t repair so you may find yourself unconsciously repeating patterns from your childhood in your romantic relationships. For example, someone who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent or a parent who was not physically there, tends to attract partners that aren’t truly emotionally available. They may start off hot and heavy but then leave abruptly just when you start to feel safe. Or perhaps you are the emotionally unavailable one in that example and want to learn how to open up. 

Uncovering these patterns and healing the childhood wounds that caused them is the key to finding happiness in love.

Individual Therapy For Relationship Issues When You Are In A Relationship

Many people wonder if they should seek couples therapy or start with individual counseling instead. Or maybe you know you need couples therapy but you have an unwilling partner (more on that later). 

You might be considering individual counseling because you feel like you are “the problem” and need to fix yourself before working on the relationship. Or maybe you’re afraid you’re the problem and want validation from a therapist that you aren’t before starting couples therapy.

Occasionally, it is best to address individual issues before working on the relationship. If you are stressed, depressed or anxious about many aspects of your life, aside from your relationship, you may find that handling those stressors and improving your mood is enough to shift the dynamic in your relationship. Or, if you are having trouble with coworkers, friends, family relationships, and your romantic relationship, it might be a good idea to seek help individually first to determine what is at the core of your relational difficulties.

However, if the main stressor in your life is your relationship, and you have a willing partner, couples therapy is usually the best place to start. You are not creating this relationship dynamic by yourself and it’s not going to be completely solved with just you working on things. Even if you are the more aggressive partner (also called the maximizer) and you know you need to change how you communicate, you and your partner are still co-creating the experience you are having in your relationship. Yes, learning how to self-soothe and speak calmly will be incredibly helpful for the maximizer. But, the less assertive partner (also called the minimizer) also needs to learn the new communication tools you’ll be using so that you can both practice and change the unhealthy dynamic together. The minimizer also needs to gain the confidence to come out of their shell and communicate, even when it feels scary. This shift is best facilitated in couples therapy with a mediator and will get you the fastest results.

What To Do If Your Partner Won’t Go To Couples Therapy

But what if you don’t have a willing partner? You’ve asked your partner time and time again to go to couples therapy and they refuse. You finally get fed up and decide if they won’t go, you’ll go without them. You may even be getting to the point where you’re trying to decide if you should stay in this relationship. In that case, individual therapy can definitely help.

It’s true that it would be much easier to change your relationship if both partners were working on it but there is still a lot that can be done to help even if you are the only one in therapy. 

• I’ve been hurt in love before, so I avoid taking risks and putting myself out there emotionally.
• I recently experienced a bad break up or divorce and I need some help getting back on track.
• I’m lonely and don’t think I’ll ever find a ‘good enough’ relationship.
• I feel frustrated that I keep making the same relationship mistakes over and over again, but I don’t know how to stop.
• I feel scared and distrustful whenever I get close to someone, so I pull away and keep my distance.
• I’m burned out from modern dating but I don’t know what else to do to find the relationship I want.
• I lack the confidence to be open and vulnerable and express myself fully.
• I’m confused about whether I should stay in my relationship or leave.
• I’m starting to wonder if I’m crazy or if my partner is the crazy one.