Attachment style can impact your adult relationships in many ways – both positive and negative. While a secure attachment can help you build healthy relationships, an insecure attachment may make it hard to connect with or trust a romantic partner. How attachment style affects communication is another key part of its impact on relationships in adulthood.
Attachment style refers to the way you form emotional bonds with others, and it can have a significant impact on how you interact with people in your personal and professional life. Attachment theory suggests that the way you were raised and your early experiences with caregivers shape your attachment style, which can be either secure or insecure.
So how does attachment style affect communication? It can happen in various ways.
For example, if you have a secure attachment style, you are likely to communicate more openly and honestly with others, which can lead to more fulfilling relationships. On the other hand, if you have an insecure attachment style, you may struggle with trust issues and have difficulty expressing your feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
These communication challenges can occur in romantic relationships and in other settings, such as communication with friends, parents and even in the workplace.
Understanding your attachment style can help you improve your communication skills and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in all aspects of your life.
Understanding Your Attachment Style
The psychologist John Bowlby first created attachment theory in the 1950’s as a way of describing our intrinsic need for connection. Since then, research has proven connection is as crucial to our development as food and water.
Your attachment style forms in childhood. As infants, we’re wired to instinctively bond with our caregivers because our very survival depends upon it. We develop attachment behaviors like cooing, smiling and crying to keep our caregivers close and bonded to us. When infants and children are in distress or in need, they seek out their parent, caregiver or primary attachment object for safety and reassurance.
If our caregivers are not attentive to our needs – or are not consistent in their attention – an insecure attachment style can begin to form. These early childhood experiences can impact relationships throughout youth and into adulthood, including how you communicate in relationships.
There are four main types of attachment styles: Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Anxious-Avoidant. In this section, we will explore how each attachment style affects communication. If you’re not sure what your attachment style is, take our attachment style quiz.
Secure Attachment
A secure attachment is developed when most of your emotional needs as a child were met by at least one of your caretakers.
If you have a secure attachment style, you are likely to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You are comfortable with intimacy and can express your needs and emotions without fear of rejection. You are also able to listen to your partner’s needs and emotions and respond with empathy. This type of communication promotes a healthy, supportive relationship.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment, also called dismissive avoidant, is developed when at least one caregiver was overly detached OR overly enmeshed with the child. Your parents might have focused on achievement, success and academic excellence more than on fostering your emotional bond.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle with intimacy and emotional expression. You may avoid conflict and shut down emotionally when faced with difficult conversations. You may also be less likely to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. This can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of emotional connection in the relationship.
Anxious Attachment
An anxious attachment style is developed when love from at least one of your caretakers was unpredictable and unstable. You may have had a parent who was loving one minute and dismissive the next. Children who experienced divorce, the death of a caregiver or other similar situations may also have an anxious attachment style.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may experience a fear of abandonment and be overly sensitive to your partner’s actions and words. You may also be more likely to express your emotions in a dramatic or intense way. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflict in the relationship.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful avoidant attachment, describes someone who has both anxious and avoidant tendencies. The caregiver(s) of someone who has an anxious-avoidant attachment style probably behaved inconsistently, sometimes due to addiction or mental illness.
If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you may struggle with both intimacy and emotional expression. You may have difficulty regulating your emotions and may feel overwhelmed by intense feelings. This can lead to unpredictable behavior and a lack of emotional connection in the relationship.
No matter what kind of attachment style you have, it can have a significant impact on your communication in relationships, especially if you’re struggling with common communication issues.
The Impact of Attachment Style on Communication
Attachment style plays a significant role in how you communicate in adult relationships. Attachment theory suggests that your attachment style can affect your communication style, your ability to form intimate relationships and your level of trust in others.
Research has shown that attachment style and communication style can even impact overall relationship satisfaction and affect how you communicate during conflict.
Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to resolve conflicts more effectively, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle to communicate their needs and feelings, leading to further conflict.
This impact can be seen in romantic relationships, parent-child relationships and even within the workplace.
Attachment and Communication In Romantic Relationships
Attachment style can have a profound impact on communication in romantic relationships. If you have a secure attachment style, you are likely to have healthy relationships with clear communication and emotional connection.
However, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may struggle with fear of intimacy, jealousy, and aggressive behaviors. On the other hand, if you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you may avoid emotional intimacy and have difficulty with commitment.
Misunderstandings can occur when partners have different attachment styles and therefore communicate in different ways.
For example, if one partner has an avoidant attachment style and the other has an anxious attachment style, the avoidant partner may withdraw when the anxious partner seeks emotional connection. This can cause the anxious partner to feel needy and the avoidant partner to feel suffocated.
Attachment and Communication In Parent-Child Relationships
Attachment style also affects communication in parent-child relationships. If a child has a secure attachment style, they are likely to feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents. They are also likely to have good communication with their parents and feel comfortable expressing their needs.
However, if a child has an anxious attachment style, they may be clingy and fearful of separation from their parents. They may also struggle with self-confidence and have difficulty expressing their emotions. They might be less likely to speak their mind on a difficult subject for fear of angering their parents or causing disconnection.
If a child has an avoidant attachment style, they may be distant and unresponsive to their parent’s attempts at emotional connection. Communication may be surface-level only in an attempt to avoid any vulnerability.
These issues with attachment style and communication can impact not only an adult child and their parents but also their relationships with their own children.
Attachment and Communication In Professional Relationships
Attachment style can also impact communication in professional relationships.
For example, if you have a secure attachment style, you are likely to have healthy relationships with your colleagues and be comfortable expressing your needs. However, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may struggle with boundaries and have difficulty being present in the moment.
In contrast, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you may avoid emotional connection with your colleagues and struggle with empathy. This can lead to difficulties in teamwork and collaboration.
This attachment style may be especially difficult for professionals in leadership positions, and impact how you are able to communicate effectively with your team.
Can You Improve Communication When Attachment Style Is at Play?
The good news about how attachment style affects communication is that your situation can be changed. You can work to change your attachment style, work to change the way you communicate, or, ideally, work on both!
Remember: you were not born anxious or avoidant in relationships. Those tendencies changed over time due to the people and experiences in your childhood. Similarly, you can change your attachment style again as an adult, based on the individual healing work you do and the people and experiences in your life.
It is possible to change your attachment style as an adult. The people and relationships we have in our adult lives can impact our attachment style. Therapy can also help change your attachment style and the way it impacts your communication in relationships.
By working with an attachment-focused therapist, in particular, you can learn more about how your attachment style impacts your relationships, change self-limiting beliefs and learn new communication skills. This work can be done both in couples therapy or individual therapy and can have a significant impact on the way you function in adult relationships.
Are you interested in learning more about attachment styles and communication? Contact Couples Learn today to speak with one of our attachment-focused therapists who can help. You can also register for our “Getting to Secure Attachment” course to get started with this work right away.