Trying To Get Over A Breakup? Advice From a Doctor in Psychology

Trying To Get Over A Breakup? Advice From a Doctor in Psychology

HOW TO GET OVER A BREAKUP. REAL ADVICE FROM A CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

 

Breaking up is hard to do. Whether it’s been a long time coming or it feels like a sudden crash and burn situation, the relationship that you put your heart and soul into has lost its heartbeat and that is rarely an easy pill to swallow. Maybe you expected to be with this person forever…or perhaps you knew it wasn’t permanent but you still weren’t ready for it to end. Or maybe you were the one that ended it. Whatever the case may be, you are probably feeling a whole lot of feelings right now that can be extremely hard to deal with, especially since you don’t have the one person you would normally lean on to talk to anymore.

 

The good news is, you will not feel like this forever. Let me say that louder for the people in the back. YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER. This too shall pass. I know that doesn’t make it easier right now, but it’s still important for you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are brave. You can do this.

 

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET OVER A BREAKUP

 

Some common questions I get when I work with people who are going through a breakup, is “How long should it take to get over a breakup?” or “How long is too long to be sad about this?” or “What are some ways to get over a breakup faster?” The answer to all of these is; it varies. It all depends on how close the two of you were, how seriously you were taking the relationship, what your relationship history is like, what your childhood consisted of, and what your zodiac sign is. I’m kidding about the last one.

 


 

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET OVER YOUR EX?

 

It’s hard to say exactly how long it will take you to get over your relationship. There is no getting over a breakup timeline. One equation I’ve heard is that if the relationship was less than a year, then it will take six months to get over it, and if it was more than a year, it will take at least a year until your heart heals. I’ve also heard that it takes 1/2 of the time that you were in the relationship to get past it. However, these are just ideas, and while they may be true for some people, they still might not be true for you. I’ve definitely never seen any scientific studies backing that up and anecdotally, I would say those timelines only hold true for some.

 

What IS true is that however long it takes, it’s important you let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost. This means grieving for the person, the relationship and the hopes, dreams, and ideas that you had about your future with this person. Sometimes, it also means grieving the idea of the person that you were with or the security of being in a relationship even more than the person themselves.

 

STAGES OF GETTING OVER A BREAKUP

 

The grieving process involves the usual stages of denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and acceptance. However, they don’t always go in that order, you may experience them multiple times, and you don’t always go through all of the stages either. Each person grieves in his or her own way and no one can tell you how long this should take. Also, sometimes, you may think that you’ve finished a certain stage but then find yourself back in it again. This is normal. You aren’t back at square one, you are continuing to heal in your own time. For more on the stages of getting over a breakup, check out this blog post.

 

STEPS TO GETTING OVER A BREAKUP (healthy ways to get over a breakup)

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS

 

As I’ve said, the grieving process is necessary to go through when you are trying to get over a breakup. As much as you might want to skip the anger or the sadness, these emotions are very important to go through in order to heal. In fact, if you try to skip over feeling your feelings, you will probably end just up prolonging your heartache. This means no numbing out (or at least try to limit that).

 

Some ways you may be tempted to numb out are by:

  • drinking alcohol
  • eating crappy food
  • doing drugs
  • sleeping around
  • dating someone new right away or dating around with multiple people right away
  • binge-watching TV
  • working more than usual
  • staying really busy so you don’t have time to think

 

None of these are terrible if done once in a while, but if they become regular habits and are being used to avoid feeling sad or to avoid any other feeling, you are not letting yourself go through the grieving process and need to slow down and really allow yourself to sink into those hard feelings. I know it hurts but the only way out is through. Anything else is just a temporary bandaid.

 

 

ACCEPT THAT IT IS TIME TO LET GO

When you finally get to the acceptance phase of your grieving process, it’s important to tell yourself that breaking up was not a mistake. Resist the temptation to play the game in your mind where you mentally go over all of the things that you could have done or said differently to make the relationship work. If it didn’t last, there’s a reason for that. You didn’t make a mistake and there is nothing that you should have done differently. You might not know the reason right now, but one day you will look back and thank the Universe that this didn’t work out. Sometimes rejection is the universe’s protection.

 


Garth Brooks sings a song called “Unanswered Prayers” where he tells the tale of a man who prayed for his high school crush to like him back but she never did. In the song, he ultimately thanks God for not answering that prayer because he ends up marrying the love of his life; not his high school crush. For those of you that follow country, you know Garth married a fellow country icon, Trisha Yearwood. Now if this song is an autobiography, I’d say he came out winning. I see this type of thing happen more often than not and it’s beautiful when you finally find out why the one you thought you wanted didn’t work out.

 

The moral of the story is: What is meant for you will always find a way. Even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, the Universe truly does have your back and everything is happening FOR you, not TO you. If the Universe is taking people out of your life, let them go! This is all part of your soul’s evolution and growth.

 

FORGIVE YOUR EX

 

It’s impossible to get over a breakup without forgiveness. Of course, this is easier said than done. Maybe your ex cheated on you, lied to you, or constantly put you down. All of these behaviors are really hard to forgive. Until you remember that forgiveness isn’t actually for the other person, it’s for you.

 


 

Holding on to anger for something that someone else did doesn’t hurt that person, it only hurts you. It’s like drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick. That’s why you have to let it go. Otherwise, the anger will fester inside of you and bring you down.

 

Getting to the point where you can feel grateful for what you learned from your ex is an amazing sign of healing and growth.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

 

As hard as it is to forgive your ex, forgiving yourself can sometimes be even harder. Yet, it’s necessary if you want to move on.

 

The trick to forgiving yourself is to stop playing the tape of all of the things that you think you did wrong. Stop thinking that you should have known better, that you never should have gotten into the relationship in the first place, or that you somehow ruined a good thing. Remember, if this relationship was meant to last, it would have.

 

Look at this experience as something that you learned instead of something that you messed up. I believe that all relationships are learning experiences, whether they last or not because they help you learn more about yourself.

 

Sometimes, the thing you need to forgive yourself for is buying into the belief that you didn’t deserve better than the relationship you had. If you were in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, this is a big one for you to forgive yourself for.

GETTING OVER A BREAKUP WITHOUT CLOSURE

 

Sometimes it’s not possible to have the closure that you want with your ex. In fact, it’s often not a healthy and self-honoring choice to “seek closure” with someone who is likely to hurt you again by attempting to reach out to them. Luckily, you can still get the closure that you need without ever having to speak to your ex again.

 


 

HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX

 

Write A Letter That You Don’t Send

 

Light a candle and set an intention for the deepest level of healing to come forward. Ask for grace and be open to feeling freedom and forgiveness in your heart.

 

Here’s a sample format that you could use. Write as much as you can after each prompt until you feel complete:

 

Dear ex,

 

I’m saying goodbye because… or I’m letting go because…

 

I learned…

I forgive you for…

I forgive myself for…

Thank you for…

 

 

Perform A Ritual

  • Burn a letter that your ex sent you.
  • Give away or give back any of their possessions you still have.
  • Write down all the dreams you thought would be fulfilled with your ex, burn the paper, and as you do, say something like “I’m letting this go to make room for something better. Please allow whatever comes forward to be for the highest and best good for all involved.”
  • Take a cleansing bath with candles, Epsom salt, and your favorite essential oils. Visualize or speak out loud all the positive and negative memories you can recall from your relationship. Let out any pain or mourning. Then let the water drain while you are still sitting in the bath and watch it go down the drain, imagining all of your pain and sadness going with it.
  • Go on a solo trip somewhere you have always wanted to go or go with friends or a group travel company if you don’t want to travel solo. This is less of a ritual and more of an adventure, but hey, it helps.

 

BEST WAY TO GET OVER A BREAKUP

 

The single best tool I can offer for getting over your breakup is to remind you that some relationships were never meant to last. Most relationships have an expiration date after the relationship has served its purpose in your life. Your ex showed up exactly when he or she needed to in order to help you learn something, to help you grow spiritually, or to help you get in touch with a part of yourself that had been dormant for too long. He or she was necessary for your soul’s evolution, but now you don’t need him or her anymore. Believe it or not, you unconsciously drew in this experience so that you could heal deep wounds that you’ve been carrying around with you ever since your childhood.

 

THERAPY TO GET OVER A BREAKUP

 

Realizing that you unconsciously drew in this experience helps you to see why this had to happen. But sometimes that can be really hard to accept and it can be even harder to heal the wounds the breakup uncovered without the help of a counselor. Your wounds were uncovered so that you could see them and learn how to heal them. It wasn’t a punishment, but rather, an opportunity to learn how to do things differently this time. Sometimes we need a little help with this and if that is the case for you, I’m here to support you. This is such brave work, and I am SO proud of you for diving into it. You are a spiritual warrior and there is a valuable lesson buried underneath all this pain. If I can help you in this journey of growth, change, and evolution, I’d be honored to stand by your side.

 

How To Stop Being Too Nice In A Relationship. Why Nice Guys Finish Last.

How To Stop Being Too Nice In A Relationship. Why Nice Guys Finish Last.

How To Start Being More Assertive In A Relationship. Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Most of us have been taught the importance of being nice to others. We strive to follow “The Golden Rule,” of treating others as we wish to be treated. We try to be helpful, supportive, and positive to those around us. But, are there times when you are being nice just so others will like you? Do you sometimes hide your true feelings in your search for acceptance from friends and loved ones? You may not even realize you are doing this half the time because you have been so accustomed to ignoring your own boundaries and intuition, that you trick yourself into thinking you DO want what they do. If this sounds like you, we need to have a little chat about boundaries and assertiveness.

 

Of course, there are times when we are genuinely nice to other people AND that aligns with our true desires and intentions. We give a compliment or we offer to take a friend’s dog for a walk when said friend is sick with the flu. Yet, most of us have also experienced times when we’ve wanted to say “no,” but said “yes” or lied to someone to avoid hurting his or her feelings.

 

White lies aren’t so bad, right? Well, that’s debatable and it depends on your true intention behind the white lie. When we lie to someone to avoid hurting him or her, in many instances, we stop being nice and start being self-serving. I know this sounds backward but let me clarify. When we lie to make someone happy, we are often more interested in how we look to the person than in trying to have a genuine interaction with them. We aren’t acting out of real care or concern for our loved one and are actually trying to protect our own image.

 

In other words, being nice to please others comes with some major downfalls.

 

Being Too Nice In A Relationship

Trying too hard to be nice doesn’t allow you to make your own choices. Instead, you follow the lead of others and do what other people want you to do. Because of this, you become disconnected from your own dreams, wishes and desires and your life ends up being about what others want, instead of what you want.

 

An extreme (but very common) example of people pleasing, is choosing a career path your parents want you to pursue rather than doing what you really want to do. Another example might be staying in an unhealthy relationship way past its expiration date because you feel bad hurting your partner or leaving them during a hard time they are going through. Or perhaps you agree to go to a restaurant that you really don’t like rather than telling your friends you aren’t a fan and making it more difficult for the group. Regardless of how big or small the sacrifice, you lose a little piece of yourself every time you try to be nice at the expense of what you really want.

 

Speaking Your Mind In A Relationship

Constantly trying to please others leads to superficial relationships that only exist on a surface level. They don’t have the depth that true partnerships need to succeed because you never let them see the real you. Trying to be who someone else wants you to be, causes you to lose who you really are, and this takes away your ability to feel your true feelings. This can lead to you feeling lost and alone, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid by being nice in the first place!

 

Being Too Nice In A Relationship
People cannot respect you or truly connect with you if you are fake with them. Always saying “yes” to someone will eventually cause that person to look down on you or feel like you aren’t being honest with them. In order for a healthy relationship to exist, both people have to be honest about what their needs and wants are, and it can’t be one-sided.

 

Being Assertive In A Relationship

Being fake or being a people pleaser in relationships also leads to them ending somewhat abruptly, often around the 3 to 6 month mark. If you have had a string of relationships that start out hot and heavy and then end unexpectedly just as you start to let your guard down, this is a good indicator that you might be acting genuinely in your relationship.

 

The reason your partners leave as soon as you get comfortable and let your guard down is because the real you starts to come out once you feel comfortable. Now it’s important to recognize this does not mean the real you isn’t lovable! I promise you are. It’s just that you entered into this relationship under false pretenses and the person you truly are, is not the person your partner signed up to be with. Had you been your authentic self from the get-go, you could’ve saved yourselves both time and heartbreak because one or both of you would have realized it’s not a great match before getting too invested.

 

Though it’s scary to put your true self (flaws and all) out there and face rejection, it’s easier if you realize that somebody’s opinion of you does not determine your worth. Just because you aren’t a good fit for somebody (or vice versa) does not mean you or they are not worthy of love. It just means that particular relationship wasn’t a good fit. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea!

 

Being Assertive In A Relationship

Just as others can’t respect you if you are constantly saying “yes” to them, you also can’t hold true feelings for someone when you are not being your true self with them. If you are constantly afraid that saying “no” to someone will make them stop loving you, then you aren’t in a healthy relationship; you are in a fake one.

 

I realize some of what I have said here might sound harsh. Believe me, I understand wanting others to like or love you. Still, I believe that you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for who you are pretending to be. I promise, being in a relationship as your true self is way more rewarding than simply trying to be nice.

 

How To Speak Your Mind In A Relationship

speak your mind in a relationship

So, let’s say I’ve convinced you that being nice isn’t always the answer. Okay, then what is the answer?

 

Well, if you’ve ever been within spitting distance of a therapist or self-help book, you’ve probably heard the answer. It’s assertiveness. Still, do you really know what that means? It’s okay if you don’t. Many people confuse assertiveness with “being rude” or “getting what you want.” The truth is, it’s neither of those things.

 

 

 

How To Be Assertive In A Relationship

Psychologists believe that assertiveness is a teachable social skill and that it’s very important to be assertive in relationships. In fact, research has proven that higher levels of assertiveness are linked to higher levels of happiness in a relationship so this isn’t just opinion; it’s facts. Being assertive means that you stand up for yourself and speak your mind but without being rude or aggressive toward anyone else. It also means that you clearly state your opinions, goals, values, and boundaries without becoming angry or withdrawn. While being assertive, you may try to influence another person’s opinion, but you wouldn’t disrespect or be mean to that person while doing so. That’s just flat out aggression and is nowhere near as effective as assertiveness (unless your goal is to scare and alienate others.)

 

Learning To Be Assertive In Relationships

The biggest reason that so many people struggle with being assertive comes down to low self-esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself from the inside, then you look to others to fill that void. You want everyone around you to like you, and because of that, you will hold back from saying what you really mean, or how you truly feel about things.

 

Whether you are outright lying, or just withholding the truth, keeping things to yourself because you are afraid of how others will react is bad for your relationships. You aren’t giving people the opportunity to know the real you, and that’s a shame!

 

Another reason that some people find it hard to be assertive, is that they judge themselves too harshly. If you are constantly trying to be perfect and always say the right thing, then you might stop yourself from sharing your true feelings and opinions. You might tell yourself that your opinion is “stupid,” or “wrong,” and silence yourself. Again, this is sad for your relationships with others because other people don’t get to hear your wonderful and unique ideas.

 

Assertive Communication In Relationships

One of the best things about assertiveness is that it can be learned! This means that even if you don’t think you have it mastered right now, it’s okay! We can work on it!

 

First, we would work on your self-esteem or the way that you value yourself. By helping you to see that your opinions, thoughts, and feelings have worth, you would have an easier time expressing them directly with others.

 

Next, and this one may come as a surprise, we would help you value others more. Think about it, if you aren’t sharing your true self with someone, do you really care about that person? If you can’t tell your friend that you were hurt when she didn’t come to your birthday party, are you really committed to repairing the rupture and being her friend? Real relationships require honesty, and you have to care enough about the other person to be willing to be honest.

 

Assertive Communication In Relationships
Finally, we would help you build courage. Remember the cowardly lion in “The Wizard of Oz?” He knew how important it was to have courage! Courage allows you to do what you need to do, even when you are afraid. It allows you to feel the fear and do it anyway. That means that you might not want to bring up a controversial topic, or tell someone that they hurt you, but you do it anyway because you know that you are strong enough to handle whatever happens next. That’s the kind of courage that helps you, your relationships, and ultimately the whole world!

 

Examples Of Being Assertive In A Relationship

Alright, now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. I’m going to teach you a foolproof way of making an assertive statement. The recipe for this kind of statement looks like this:

 

Use “I” Statements – Speak from the first person about how you feel. This helps to lessen the defenses of the person you are talking to.

Describe Specific Behaviors That You Find Problematic – Instead of criticizing the person, you are criticizing his behavior. Again, this helps to lessen the chances that he or she will feel attacked and attack you back.

Put It All Together – Use the “I feel _______ when you _______” sentence structure.

 

Let’s look at an example of how this recipe works. Say your boyfriend has a habit of picking up his phone when the two of you are out on dates and it really bothers you. You might want to say something like, “You always ignore me! Why are we even together?!”, but that is probably more aggressive than assertive. An assertive statement would look like this:

 

“I feel ignored when you answer your phone during dinner.”

 

Then, you might add a request, like:

 

“Could we please make dinner a phone-free zone? It would make me feel so much more loved and like a priority that way.”

 

Does this sound like something that you could do? If it sounds hard to you, I’m happy to help support you in gradually learning and integrating assertiveness into your life. Book a free 30 min consultation today!

Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

Signs You Need Look For In a Healthy Relationship

It seems like everywhere you look these days, there’s advice on how to know when you should call it quits and end a relationship. That’s very useful advice, but how do you know when you’ve got a good one on your hands? Is it, as the popular meme says, when you’ve found someone who likes to leave parties at the same time that you do? Is that just an urban dating myth? How can you tell if you are in a healthy relationship?

 

WHAT DOES A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?

 

How much time do healthy couples spend together? How often are they having sex? Is it true that couples who pray together, stay together?

 

what does a healthy relationship look like

 

Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all when it comes to what a healthy relationship should look like. Just as every person on this planet is unique, so is every couple. However, I’ve come up with some common characteristics of healthy relationships. Of course, this isn’t a complete list, but here are a few qualities that make a relationship worth its weight in gold.

 

Traits of a Healthy Relationship: A Feeling Of Trust

 

Trust is an extremely important part of any relationship. Without it, you can never know if your partner is telling you the truth, which obviously causes major insecurities. If you can’t trust that your partner will remain faithful to you while you go out with your friends, or spend some much needed alone time, then you will force yourself to be with them at all times, and that just isn’t healthy! You deserve to be with someone who is faithful and does what they say they will do so that you can feel free to do your own thing.

 

There’s a saying that if you pay attention, people will tell or show you who they really are. And once they show you, believe them! Someone who is untrustworthy will almost always show you their true colors eventually. If you find yourself confused by your partner’s explanations about mundane things, pay attention to those inconsistencies. First, he told you that he was at his mother’s house but later the story is, he was at his best friend’s place. If you mention the discrepancy and he tells you that you are crazy or too possessive, this is a red flag and could be gaslighting. A truthful person, on the other hand, is consistent. Not just in the stories they tell you but in keeping their word in general.

 

However, trust isn’t just about being faithful and it isn’t just about lying or telling the truth either. It’s also about being able to count on someone to do what they say they will. That’s called being reliable and it’s probably the #1 thing women need from a man to feel secure in a relationship.

 

Do you want to know if you are in a healthy relationship? Take our quiz now to find out!

Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

 

Brene Brown has an amazing video where she describes the Anatomy of Trust and one of the first things she talks about is boundaries. A major component of trust is respecting your partner’s boundaries and holding your own. I have another blog post on the topic of boundaries, which is a whole topic on its own.

 

It’s far easier to have a strong relationship with someone who is truthful, so if you’ve got yourself a reliable truth-teller, that’s one sign that you are in a healthy relationship.

 

How Often Do Couples Fight In A Healthy Relationship?

 

Have you ever asked yourself if the amount of fighting in your relationship is healthy? If this question has crossed your mind, you are not alone! The answer, though, has more to do with how the conflict is handled than how often it happens. Conflict is a healthy and normal part of any relationship if done well. There is an analogy I love to tell my clients that has to do with the way bridges are built. According to engineers, the strongest part of a bridge is the part where the metal has been broken apart and then welded back together. This is such a beautiful analogy for conflict in relationships because, if done lovingly, resolving conflict together will actually make you stronger as a couple than you were before you had the fight. Really!

 

How To Be In A Healthy Relationship: Learn To Apologize

 

Let’s face it – If you are with someone for an extended period of time, both of you are going to make a mistake at some point. That’s okay, as long as you both know how to apologize. Being able to say you are sorry shows maturity and confidence because it means that you realize you are not defined by your mistake; it’s just something unfortunate that you did. Anyone who has been in a successful long-term relationship will tell you that practicing apologies and giving forgiveness are both things that you will get very good at.

 

Healthy Communication In Relationships

Speaking of having your feelings hurt, it’s important that you feel like you can bring up hurts and disappointments with your partner. You need to be able to say when something bothers you, without fear that your partner will turn the situation around and blame you. In a healthy relationship, an exchange like this might take place:

 

You: It hurt my feelings that you didn’t seem that excited when I told you that I’d be taking a photography class. I’m very excited about photography and I’d like to be able to share my excitement with you.

 

Your Partner: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was that important to you. I will be more enthusiastic from now on. Can you show me some of the photos you took?

 

signs of a healthy relationship

 

For contrast, an unhealthy response from your partner might look more like:

 

“Well, you find a new hobby every week, so how am I supposed to know when to take you seriously?”

 

Yikes! If that’s his response, you two may want to talk to a therapist right away.

 

In a strong, healthy relationship, you will want to share your feelings with your partner, because you expect him or her to react positively to what you are saying. In healthy relationships, each partner wants the other person to grow and be his or her best self. You don’t try to hold each other back or rain on each other’s parades. Instead, you are there for each other during both the good and bad times. It’s like having someone that you can count on, no matter what.

 

As I said earlier, this doesn’t mean that you will never fight or argue. It just means, as one healthy relationship quote says, “Even when you don’t really like your partner, you love him anyway.”

 

What Makes A Relationship Strong: Mutual Respect

 

Partners who respect each other have each other’s backs. They don’t talk badly about each other to their friends and they encourage each other to grow. It’s so important to be with someone who wants you to be your best self; someone who will stand up for you when you’re not around, and who will help you believe in yourself even more than you already do.

 

If your significant other discourages you from taking a class or bettering yourself in some way, chances are he or she is afraid that if you grow too much you will leave the relationship. This is toxic! Healthy partners want each other to grow and be the best version of themselves that they can be.

 

It’s much easier to want your partner to grow if you feel good about yourself. Part of the reason why some relationships are unhealthy is that one or both of the people in them have low self-esteem. This can cause a person to be jealous, possessive, manipulative, or downright nasty in a relationship. In contrast, if both partners feel good about themselves, then the chances that they will treat each other with respect are much higher.

healthy boundaries in relationship

What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like: The Ability To Laugh

Laughter really is the best medicine, and that’s not just a saying. Studies have shown that laughing releases endorphins, our feel-good chemicals. Couples who laugh together report having higher-quality relationships than those who don’t. Laughing can even make disagreements seem less serious. Plus, sometimes, laughing leads to sex, which causes even more feel-good chemicals. So, if you’ve found someone who can make you laugh, you’ve won the relationship jackpot! If you feel like your relationship could use more laughter or positivity, check out this blog post on how to be more positive.

 

Benefits Of A Healthy Relationship

 

Research by The Gottman Institute has shown that being in a healthy relationship does more than make you happy. It also helps you stay healthy. This is particularly true for men. Men in long term relationships typically earn more, are happier, are less stressed, and have fewer health issues than their single counterparts. To learn more about this research (and how to have a happy relationship), I highly recommend reading The Man’s Guide To Women.

 

Healthy Relationship Quiz

 

This article should give you a good idea about some of the components of a healthy relationship but there is so much more that we did not cover in this blog. That’s why I created this Healthy Relationship Quiz to help you determine once and for all if you are in a healthy relationship.

 

 

I know it can be scary to take an honest look at your relationship to see whether it is healthy or not, but if you read all the way to the end of this article, I believe you have what it takes to face this head on. Whatever your situation, if you’d like to talk more about your relationship, contact me. I’m here to help!

Indecent Exposure: Is My Husband Addicted To Porn?

Indecent Exposure: Is My Husband Addicted To Porn?

Indecent Exposure: Is My Husband Addicted To Porn?

 

IS IT OK TO WATCH PORN IN A RELATIONSHIP?

 

When it comes to porn, people are all over the map regarding how they feel about it. Some see it as a fun way to spice up a relationship, while others see it as a precursor to violence against women. While there is some evidence to suggest that people who watch porn are less happy than those who don’t, I really don’t want to approach this topic with any judgment at all. Instead, I’d like to help you learn how to talk know if your husband is addicted to porn and about the issue of porn openly with your partner. That way, if he or she does have an addiction to it, at least they will be more likely to open up to you about it.

 

Also, just a caveat before we really get started – I’ll be using the word “husband” and “he” a lot when discussing this topic because men tend to be the main users of porn and there tend to be more women than men searching for help on understanding their partner’s porn usage. However, I’m very aware that women watch and enjoy porn and also develop addictions to porn. So, if you are someone reading this article because you worry your wife or girlfriend might have a porn problem, please just switch out he for she or husband for wife. This is not just something that affects men by any means!

 

WHY MEN IN RELATIONSHIPS WATCH PORN

 

While it might be easy to assume that all men watch porn and that the reason is that they are obsessed with sex, neither of these things are true. Many men choose not to watch porn, especially if they realize it’s leading to them getting less enjoyment from sex with real live partners. Many men in their 20’s and 30’s who have been watching porn since 11-12 years old are now experiencing sexual dysfunctions as a result. They are finding it difficult to get turned on by real-life experiences because they have become so desensitized by porn. However, many men do still watch porn while in a relationship, even if their partners are ready and willing for sex.

 

Some men watch porn because it is always available and because there is a huge variety to choose from. For some, it can feel like a way to have variety while still being faithful to their wives or girlfriends. Others use porn as a way to disconnect from the real world and disappear into a fantasy for a little while.

 

 

Others have intimacy issues and use porn to solve them. Men who are afraid of letting their true sexual desires and fantasies be seen by their partners might feel safer using porn to satisfy those wishes, especially if they have a fetish. Men who have trouble connecting to women, in general, might find it safer to seek sexual gratification from porn rather than risk getting rejected by a real, live woman.

 

Finally, some men prefer to see their wives as perfect angels who should not be dirtied with their sexual urges. The Madonna-Whore Complex affects men who see women as either saintly or slutty and nothing in between. This is a deeply rooted issue which requires psychological help, as is sex or porn addiction.

 

IS IT BAD TO WATCH PORN IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Before we look further into whether your partner has an addiction to porn, we first need to sort out how you feel about it. Some people are fine with their partners watching porn, some actually prefer it, and others can’t stand the idea of it. It’s truly a personal decision, but it is important that you know why you feel the way that you do about it.

 

Some people don’t like the idea of their partners watching porn because they feel that the women in the videos are being degraded, or because they feel that porn videos portray too much violence toward women. Many also point out that porn does not portray real sex because women are not usually turned on after just seconds of foreplay and they also do not orgasm as easily as most women in porn are portrayed to. Of course, these are valid concerns, but there is also a lot of debate around whether fantasy scenarios are really bad for women, or if it’s actually a matter of us not being able to stomach the idea that women can be sexual too.

 

 

For some though, the objection to porn isn’t about societal values or what’s right for women. It’s simply about insecurity in your relationship. If you feel that your husband can only get turned on by a woman that isn’t you or is comparing you to porn stars, you aren’t going to feel good about it. Maybe you will start to feel that your breasts are too small or your butt is too flat, or that you aren’t flexible or sexual enough. You might compare yourself to the women in the videos and decide that you could never be that confident or sexy.

 

It’s SO important that you be honest with yourself here. If this is the reason that you don’t like porn, then it’s important to communicate that vulnerability to your partner so he knows where you are coming from and it’s also really important to work on your self-esteem. You will never feel good about yourself if you’re comparing yourself to an airbrushed porn star who is pretending. You are a real person with real feelings and unique traits (and real flaws), all of which make you totally sexy! But the sexiest thing a woman can wear is confidence. Your partner having a fantasy that turns him on does not have to detract from your desirability…assuming the fantasy is not causing him to have unrealistic expectations around sex and be less turned on by the real thing with you.

 

If insecurity is an issue for you, take an inventory of where else this shows up for you. Is it strictly related to your relationship, or are you having a hard time loving yourself and your body in other situations as well? So many women are dissatisfied with their bodies, it’s almost become normal to find fault with the way that we look. In fact, diet culture spends millions of dollars to make sure we know that skinny is sexy. It’s also become normal for women to talk about and bond over these feelings of insecurity. How many times have you sat in disgust with a girlfriend about your jiggly thighs or your flabby stomach laughing at yourselves? Women need to stop putting ourselves down like this! To change the way you feel about yourself and your body at ANY size, it takes intentional effort to override the consistent messaging we get from society and advertisements about the way we are supposed to look.

 

I THINK MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN. HOW CAN I TELL FOR SURE?

 

Like many other addictive behaviors, watching porn is more likely to be a problem for the relationship, and the person, if it’s done in secret. Secretive behavior or just flat out lying about porn when being asked directly about use is one of the warning signs that might mean that your partner is addicted. At the very least, trying to hide or lie about his porn watching indicates he may be ashamed of what he is doing or he thinks that you will be upset with him for doing it.

 

Now, I realize there is a stigma about sex, masturbation, and porn in our society and it’s not exactly a normal topic for everyday conversation. Thus, even if someone is not addicted, they are likely to keep their use private when in the act and probably won’t bring it up for general conversation at the dinner table. What I’m talking about is if you ask about porn use and your partner flat out lies or downplays their use…then we are getting into possibly sketchy waters.

HUSBAND NOT INTERESTED IN SEX

 

Alright, now that you’ve hopefully started to understand more about your own feelings about porn, whatever they may be, let’s talk about some signs that your husband might have an addiction to or be overusing porn:

  • Closing his web browser every time you enter the room.
  • Staying up late on the computer by himself.
  • Being more emotionally distant.
  • Nit-picking at your appearance.
  • Making comments that objectify women.
  • Being less interested in sex.
  • Acting strangely during sex (being uncharacteristically rough or demeaning).
  • Having trouble getting aroused or erect without watching porn or fantasizing about something.
  • Promising not to watch porn anymore but doing it anyway.
  • Telling lies about his porn use.
  • Continuing to use porn despite negative consequences.
  • Needing to watch more aggressive or hardcore types of porn to get the same level of arousal over time.

 

If any of these behaviors sound familiar, your husband could be using porn in an unhealthy way and I would recommend asking him to go to a therapist that specializes in sex addiction to be assessed. If it turns out he is addicted, know this: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR VALUE OR YOUR WORTH. Addiction is a disease and it is not really about sex or porn or how turned on he is or is not by you. Porn addiction develops as a way to self-soothe and numb out from uncomfortable feelings, just like any other addiction.

 

The only difference is that with porn or sex addiction, it is so much easier to feel like you are not enough as a result of your husband’s addiction. When someone is an alcoholic, you’re not likely to compare yourself and your attractiveness to a bottle of alcohol. However, when the addiction is to sex or porn, it’s so easy to get caught up in comparisons. Know that it is normal to be affected by this disease and it’s normal to go through a very difficult time while he heals. Also, know that you have choices about whether or not to stay in this relationship.

 

HOW TO HELP HUSBAND WITH PORN ADDICTION

 

The first step is to go to a therapist specializing in sex addiction to be assessed and determine if the use really is problematic. If it is a problem, then begins the real work of sorting through both partner’s feelings about this issue. These discussions can become emotional quickly, so you will definitely want to seek the help of a qualified therapist to assist you.

 

In therapy, you will learn to:

  • Share how your partner’s watching porn makes you feel.
  • Find out what your partner is getting out of watching porn.
  • Communicate effectively about challenging feelings.
  • Rebuild trust.
  • Self-soothe in healthy ways.
  • Set healthy boundaries with each other.
  • Handle insecurities that arise.
  • Address any lack of intimacy in your relationship that could be contributing to or a result of this issue.

 

In short, you will get your sanity back! Having said that, recovering from any addiction is a long and challenging process for the addict and everyone involved with him or her and should really be done with professional help.

 

The 4-Step Guide to Identifying and Fixing Bad Communication Issues In Your Relationship

The 4-Step Guide to Identifying and Fixing Bad Communication Issues In Your Relationship

The 4-Step Guide to Identifying and Fixing Bad Communication Issues In Your Relationship

 

Ah, relationships. Those mysterious joinings of two people who may or may not be from different planets. How can we ever make relationships work when each person brings a unique worldview, colored by their own experiences into the mix? Luckily, psychologists have been asking themselves these questions for years and have actually come up with some pretty reliable answers!

 

If you’ve been reading my blog posts, you probably know by now that I’m a huge fan of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, expert therapists and researchers in the area of couples counseling. In my work with clients, I use many of the techniques that the Gottmans introduced because they have been backed by research and I find that they are extremely effective at helping couples get to where they want to be in their relationships.

 

For decades, the Gottmans have been studying couples and what makes them tick. One of the biggest discoveries that came through their research was the theory of “The Four Horsemen,” which are four behaviors that accurately predict divorce. The idea is that if we can avoid or minimize these four behaviors, then our relationships stand a fighting chance. However, if the four horsemen are present and you do nothing to change it, you’re in for a really unhappy relationship or a breakup.

 

These four behaviors are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness (not taking responsibility)
  4. Stonewalling (Emotionally Shutting down)


The reason these behaviors are SO detrimental to your relationship is that they cause fights to escalate to a point where things get nasty and out of control. If these behaviors show up in your fights, you probably say and do things you regret and you have a really hard time resolving your arguments. You fight and fight until you are both exhausted and frustrated beyond caring anymore. Eventually, you both get sick of fighting and make up but without ever having a productive and civil conversation about the topic. Once you are getting along again, no one wants to rock the boat by trying to talk things through because you are both terrified of getting right back into another draining fight. This is not healthy conflict management and over time, fighting like this will deteriorate your relationship to the point where you completely lose respect for each other. When you get to this point, the odds are really not in your favor.

 

In fact, Dr. Gottman can predict with over 90% accuracy if a couple will divorce, largely based on whether or not these 4 behaviors are present. It’s THAT serious.

 

In this article, we will look at what each behavior is, what it might look like in your relationship, and what you can do to stop it from ruining your relationship.

 

The 1st Horseman – Stonewalling: How to Stop Shutting Down Emotionally in a Relationship

STONEWALLING: SHUTTING DOWN EMOTIONALLY

 

The first of “The Four Horsemen” is called Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the label that the Gottman’s gave to the action of shutting down. If you have a husband who shuts down, you know what this looks like. An emotionally unavailable husband is usually expressionless in his face, has a monotonous tone, and usually uses short one-word answers, if any at all. Stonewalling is more typical in males but it’s definitely not just males who are capable of shutting down.

 

Why Do Guys Shut Down Emotionally?

Anyone who has a low threshold for dealing with emotions is likely to stonewall. Often, men are less fluent in emotions than women because women are socialized to talk about their feelings whereas men are not. In typical American culture (and this holds true for most cultures I know of), men are taught to be stoic and strong. They are told things like “big boys don’t cry” growing up as kids and these words have an impact. If we go even further back to caveman times, men were hunters and women were gatherers and also raised the children. In order to be able to hunt and kill, men could not be sentimental. And women could not be completely shut down emotionally and be successful in keeping their families and the tribe together and connected. Thus, there are many reasons that men have a harder time with strong emotions than women and why they are more likely to stonewall. Having said that, it’s still very common for women to engage in this behavior too.

 

Most of the time, when one partner shuts down, it causes the other partner to try even harder to get answers. At first, she might criticize and yell. If that doesn’t work, she may beg and plead and if that doesn’t work, she may even escalate to throwing or breaking things. The partner who feels like she is being left in the cold will often relentlessly try to engage her significant other, to no avail. This cycle is extremely common and unbelievably frustrating for everyone involved. In the end, both partners are in a state of panic, although, this panic looks completely different for each person.

 

What is really happening inside when someone is shutting down emotionally?

Believe it or not, research has shown that the partner who is shutting down is actually very alert, even though he doesn’t look like it. His heart rate is likely over 100 BMP and he is feeling what we therapists call “flooded.” Being flooded happens when your body and mind are overwhelmed due to strong emotions. When you are flooded, your heart rate increases, you might feel very tense, you might feel hot or sweat, you could start shaking, your access to rational thought is limited, it’s hard to control your emotions, and you may even lose your peripheral vision and start seeing tunnel vision.

 

This all happens because your body is going into fight or flight mode. It’s reacting as if there is real physical danger in front of you and it is getting ready to fight, run or freeze. At that point, having an effective and rational conversation is NOT in the cards. Human survival instinct is kicking in and conscious, rational thought has left the building. Furthermore, your hippocampus doesn’t function well when you are flooded and it is the part of your brain involved with memory. This is why you and your partner can have completely different recollections of what was said or done in a fight and you both feel right. In reality, if you were both flooded, neither of you really knows what happened. Your brain was only half there and it just fills in the gaps with what it thinks probably happened based on your beliefs or past experiences.

 

THE CHALLENGE: HOW TO DEAL WITH AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE HUSBAND

 

When you and your partner are in this situation, you each need different things. He needs space, and you need a connection. Unfortunately, there is no way for you to receive the connection that you need until he has his space.

 

While this might seem like an impossible standoff, there is a way to solve this problem.

 

THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP BEING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

 

Give your partner the space that he needs. Be willing to take a break, and take a step back. Agree on a time-limit for this break, so that you both know when and where you will come back together to talk about the situation. When the break is over, it’s the responsibility of the partner that requested the break to re-initiate conversation. This way, the partner who wants to talk ASAP will not feel the other is using the break as a way to avoid the conversation altogether.

 

While you and your partner can decide what time limit feels right for you, many couples use 20 minutes as their guideline. After 20 minutes of some kind of healing activity (breathing, walking, bathing, meditation), come back together with calm hearts and eased minds. Then you can use some of my healthy communication techniques for relationships to guide your discussion.

 

Above all, remember that when your partner is emotionally unavailable, it isn’t about you. He is simply trying to feel safe in the only way he knows how. He is not trying to be difficult. In fact, he is trying to make things better by avoiding talking so he doesn’t say something that makes you feel even worse. Remembering this can sometimes help you pull back when he needs it most.

 

 

The 2nd Horseman: Criticism In Relationships

 

The second of the Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” is criticism. Criticism occurs when one partner verbally attacks the other. This is different from voicing a complaint or offering a critique, both of which are perfectly appropriate, and center around specific issues. Criticism, on the other hand,  is when you make a blanket statement about your partner’s personality or entire being.

 

EXAMPLES OF CRITICISM IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Criticism sounds harsh, like something you would never want to hear your spouse saying to you. Someone with a critical partner might often say “I get blamed for everything in my relationship.” However, someone highly defensive may also say that so if you’re feeling blamed a lot, it might be that your partner is critical or it might be that you are overly defensive. Or it might be both but more on that later!

 

Criticism might sound something like:

 

“You never listen to me! You are a horrible husband! How can you be so selfish?!”

 

“ You never do anything that I ask you to. You are so lazy!”

 

“ You only care about going out with your friends. You leave me to do everything with the kids!”

 

HOW TO STOP THE BLAME GAME IN A RELATIONSHIP

 

It should come as no surprise that criticism doesn’t lead you anywhere except down the blame trail. It also leads to defensive behavior in relationships. Still, what else can you do when you need to share a complaint with your spouse?

 

The Gottmans believe that the antidote (or cure) for criticism is called “The Gentle Startup.” Let me show you what this looks like. The skeleton for this communication tool appears like this:

 

I feel ________about___________. I appreciate ________ and need or request __________.

 

Okay, now, let’s fill in the blanks. Say, for example, you have been feeling insecure because your spouse has been spending a great deal of time with his female co-worker, and you are starting to worry that he may have feelings for her. If you were to use criticism, you might say something like:

“All you want to do is be with Kerry. You never come home on time anymore. You don’t even care how this makes me feel. You are so selfish. Why don’t you just go ahead and leave me for her, since you’re probably planning to anyway!”

 

After a statement like that, a huge argument would probably begin. So, let’s try Gottman’s gentle startup method, and see how that would sound.

 

USE I STATEMENTS TO AVOID GETTING ANGRY IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

What’s an I statement? An I statement is a sentence that you start with the word “I,” and it focuses on how you feel instead of what you don’t like about the other person.

 

In this example, if you were using the softened startup formula, you might say, “I feel insecure about your relationship with Kerry.”

 

Here you used an I statement to describe your feelings, which helps because you aren’t placing the blame on your partner. In addition, you are describing the situation in neutral terms, without adding your own opinions into the mix, (i.e. you didn’t say: “I feel insecure about your scandalous relationship with Kerry). As you can see, one extra word can really make a difference.

 

Hint* – I statements need to include how you feel about the situation, not about what your partner is doing. Saying something like: “I feel that you are selfish,” or “I feel like you are being sketchy” are not effective I statements, even though technically they start with an I. If you find yourself adding “that” or “like” after the words “I feel,” you are no longer describing a feeling. You are now getting into a story or a thought. An appropriate I statement feels vulnerable and might be a little scary to share at first, but I promise it will get you farther than if you were to play the blame game.

 

FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU APPRECIATE ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE

 

Once you’ve got the I statement down, it’s time to find something that you appreciate about your spouse. For example, you might say, “I appreciate how hard you’ve been working in order to support our family.” This lets your partner know that you see the value of his work and that you appreciate what he is doing to provide for you. As the saying goes, “People who feel appreciated, will always do more than what’s expected of them.” Not to mention, your partner is going to be a lot more receptive to your proposed solution if you butter them up with a warm compliment first.

 

BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED OR WANT

 

The last piece of the “Gentle Startup” involves making a clear and direct request. Something like: “It would help me if you could limit your communication with Kerry to work discussions only and call or text me at least once during the day, just so I know that you are thinking of me.”

 

This is a clear request, which focuses on what you want to see happen, rather than what you don’t want.

 

Interesting tidbit – It’s always better to put requests in the positive form (e.g. please speak to me more quietly and calmly), instead of telling someone what you don’t want them to do (e.g. please don’t sing so loud). This is because our brains can sometimes leave out the “don’t,” and only focus on the other parts of the sentence.

 

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: HOW TO AVOID ARGUMENTS

 

Okay, now let’s put our whole new sentence using Gottman’s “Gentle Startup” approach together:

 

“I feel insecure about your relationship with Kerry. I appreciate how hard you’ve been working in order to support our family. It would help me if you could limit your communication with Kerry to work discussions only and call or text me at least once during the day, just so I know that you are thinking of me.”

Doesn’t that sound better than the critical version? I think so, and I can guarantee that it will lead to a better conversation.

 

HOW TO RESPOND TO CRITICISM IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Now let’s say that you are the one being criticized in your relationship. How can you respond to that in a way that will get you the peace that you crave?

 

The first thing that you want to do is actually listen to the criticism that you are being served, and then ask yourself the following questions:

 

  • Does this criticism make sense to me?
  • Is this about me, or is it a projection that has more to do with my spouse than me?
  • If it’s true, is it something that I want to change?
  • If it is not true, how might I have contributed to the way my partner feels right now?

 

Once you figure out whether the criticism is actually helpful for you, you can decide how to respond.

 

If the criticism doesn’t seem to fit for you, you can ask your partner what contributed to them feeling this way. Listen respectfully and validate their feelings by saying something like “given what you just shared, it makes sense why you feel that way. However, I want to share a different perspective with you.” Next, share with your partner why you think it doesn’t fit. If, on the other hand, all, or part, of what was said is helpful, then you can thank your spouse and say that you will work on whatever he or she brought up.

 

Of course, if the criticism is being delivered to you in a mean, rude, or hurtful way, you have every right to let your spouse know that this is not okay. You don’t have to put up with being put down! If this is the case, you might want to say something like:

 

“I want to listen to your feedback, but your tone and the words that you are using are making it hard for me. Could you please tell me what you have to say in a more peaceful way?”

 

Whatever you decide to do, it’s best to remain calm while you do it. Even though hearing criticism about yourself can be quite triggering, you will only make matters worse if you get all your hairs in a tangle over it.

 

The 3rd Horseman: Defensive Behavior In Relationships

 

The third of the Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” is defensiveness. Defensiveness is the act of defending yourself against a real or perceived attack, and it’s actually a natural reaction when we are feeling backed into a corner. Most animals in nature defend themselves, and humans are no different. In fact, back when we were hunting and gathering, it was necessary to defend ourselves from anything that might kill us. Being on guard and defensive is what kept us alive so it is deeply ingrained in us as humans. Having said that, if you want a conscious relationship, you have to learn how to override instinct and unconscious reactions and make different, less combative choices.

 

DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Defensive behavior in relationships shows up 1 of 3 ways from what I have seen.

The first is complete denial which sounds something like “I did not do that!” You might even throw in a counter attack and say “YOU are the one who did that!” if you are feeling particularly defensive.

The second is saying something like “Yeah, I did that but you do it all the time so who are you to criticize me for it?”

The third is saying something like “ok, I did do that but you did something way worse last week so you have no right to talk!”

 

These are important signs you are dealing with denial in relationships.

 

WHY DO PEOPLE GET DEFENSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS?

 

Aside from being wired to protect ourselves from what we think is dangerous, there are many other reasons that we might get defensive in relationships.

 

One of the biggest predictors of whether a person will react defensively to any form of criticism is how that person was treated when he or she was a child.

 

For example, if you were constantly shamed, criticized, or punished harshly as a child, you will likely have a stronger reaction to criticism as an adult. Because you want to protect yourself from feeling the hurt you felt as a child, you will use a variety of techniques to stop your significant other from saying that you did anything wrong, even if you did. This behavior is often associated with a victim mentality in relationships.

 

Another reason that you might react defensively to criticism is if you have low self-esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself as is, then the last thing that you want is someone telling you something else that you did wrong. On the other hand, if you feel pretty good about yourself in general, then it’s easier to let unwanted comments fall of your back like pesky little drops of water. Read this to learn how to love yourself more.

 

DEFENSIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Earlier, I was saying that defensiveness is natural in the animal kingdom. In marital relationships, however, defensiveness doesn’t do us any favors. So, it would benefit us to remember that our partners are not trying to kill us. Instead, we need to recognize they are trying to express themselves and we need to give them the chance to do so.

 

Let me give you an example of what a defensive reaction to a comment might be:

 

Your Partner: Your snoring is keeping me up at night.

 

You: No it isn’t! I don’t even snore! You must be you waking yourself up with your

own snoring! You should really get that checked.

 

Do you see what happened there? Not only did “you” (quotes because the real YOU would NEVER), not accept what your partner was saying, but you went and turned it back around on him. Clearly, this approach is not going to go well in the long run.

 

Still, it can be hard to listen to feedback from your significant other, especially when you feel like you are being criticized or blamed for everything in the relationship.

 

I get it. You don’t want to see yourself as a snorer. Who does? Going a little deeper, you might even fear that your partner could leave you because of it, so your immediate reaction is to DENY, DENY, DENY. (We will talk more about denial in a little bit).

 

HOW TO BE LESS DEFENSIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP

 

So, what is the antidote for defensiveness? You aren’t going to like it, but just like a medicine that doesn’t taste good, it’s good for you. It’s called taking responsibility.

 

Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that you take responsibility for 100% of everything that your partner throws at you. However, if your partner came to you with genuine concern, then it’s up to you to make him or her feel heard. There is always, always, ALWAYS something you can take responsibility for.

 

Even if you did not intend to hurt your partner’s feelings, you can still apologize for the fact that you did hurt them by saying something like “I had no idea my behavior was going to impact you in this way. I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings.” This is NOT to be confused with the terrible apology “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt” or “I’m sorry you’re upset” which essentially just insinuates that it’s your partner’s fault their feelings are hurt.

 

Okay, now let’s imagine an example of a response where you took responsibility for what your partner was saying in the snoring example:

 

Your partner: Your snoring is keeping me up at night.

 

You: Okay, I didn’t realize that I was snoring. Let’s figure out what we can do

to help you sleep better.

 

Unlike the defensive response, this one opens up the lines of communication between you and your partner, allowing the two of you to move on to problem-solving, instead of being stuck in a stand-off. Doing this will help you realize that you are not at war with each other, you are together against a common enemy: snoring! (Or whatever the fight might be that day).

 

In the example above, you were able to come at your spouse with a gentler, softer tone which helped you get better results. Sometimes, though, you or your partner might not even realize that you are being defensive, because one, or both of you might be using defense mechanisms.

 

DEFENSE MECHANISMS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

The idea of defense mechanisms is almost as old as psychology itself, dating back to Sigmund Freud. Defense mechanisms are strategies that our unconscious minds come up with to help us deal with thoughts or feelings that we just cannot accept as our own.

 

While there are many types of defense mechanisms that we might use with ourselves (yes, we even hide our thoughts from ourselves sometimes), there are a few that we use most often in relationships. These strategies include:

 

Projection: Projection occurs when you place your own thoughts, feelings, or emotions onto another person. You do this because you can’t accept how you really feel, or what you really think.

 

Example: You accuse your spouse of wanting to cheat on you because you actually want to cheat on him.

 

Denial: Denial happens when you simply block facts or events from your mind.

 

Example: When your partner asks why you spent $600 at Target, you say that you didn’t do that. You aren’t lying on purpose, your mind actually made you believe that you didn’t spend the money.

 

Rationalization: Rationalization involves changing the facts to make a situation less threatening.

 

Example: In the Target example above, instead of outright denying that you spent the money, you might come up with an excuse, like: “They were having the biggest sale of the year, so if you think about it, I actually saved us money!”

 

Reaction Formation: Reaction Formation occurs when you do the opposite of what you really feel.

 

Example: You are pissed at your husband but you clean the entire house and make his favorite dinner.

 

Remember, all of these behaviors are done subconsciously, in the part of your brain where you aren’t fully aware of what you are doing. Realizing what you are doing and bringing it out into the light, is the first step to healing from these behaviors and to having a conscious relationship.

 

The 4th Horseman: CONTEMPT

 

The fourth of the Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” is Contempt and it is the most damaging of the bunch. Contempt is the single-biggest predictor of divorce because it conveys a complete lack of respect for your partner and it completely erodes the fondness and admiration between the two of you.

 

WHAT IS CONTEMPT?

 

The Gottmans describe contempt as:

  • Being mean to your partner
  • Treating your partner with disrespect
  • Rolling your eyes at your partner
  • Making fun of your partner
  • Sarcastic Behavior
  • Emotionally Abusive
  • Name calling
  • Making your partner feel worthless, stupid, or less than in some way
  • Acting as if you are superior, and your partner is inferior
  • Putting your partner down in public (or at all really but it’s especially embarrassing in public)

 

WHAT LEADS TO BEING MEAN IN RELATIONSHIPS?

 

According to the Gottmans, contempt stems from long-standing negative thoughts about your partner that haven’t been expressed. These thoughts then boil over into resentments and come out in a very snobby, and often sarcastic, way. Interestingly, the Gottmans found that couples who act with contempt toward one another are more likely to get colds and illnesses because their immune systems are weaker. It’s literally a toxic behavior!

 

AN EXAMPLE OF CONTEMPT

 

Alright, you know I like examples, so here is an example of a wife responding to her husband’s statement with contempt:

 

Husband: I’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar.

 

Wife: Oh, really? Could you be any more useless? Why can’t you focus on something real, like making more money? How will you playing the guitar help us? You probably can’t even keep a tune!

 

Ouch.

 

These are signed you could be in an emotionally abusive relationship

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER KEEPS PUTTING YOU DOWN AND NAME CALLING YOU

 

Most people don’t really know how damaging it is name calling in a relationship.

 

According to the Gottmans, the antidote, or cure for contempt is to “build a culture of fondness and admiration.”

 

Okay, but how do we do that?

 

First, let me just say that if there are many interactions like the one above, occurring in your relationship, it’s probably time to reach out to a couples therapist for help. Things are too far gone in your relationship and you need a professional to help you make a change ASAP.

 

However, if things are still relatively okay between the two of you, the Gottmans suggest focusing on the positive. One way to do this is by keeping a gratitude journal and writing down 1 thing you love and appreciate about your partner daily. Bonus points if you share it with them! Another way to do this is by looking into the history of your relationship to try and remember what you liked about each other in the first place as a way to rebuild that fondness and admiration. Here is a list of questions formulated by the Gottmans, that could help you remember:

 

The History of Your Relationship:

 

  1. Discuss how the two of you met and got together. Was there anything about your partner that made them stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?
  2. What do you remember most about your first date and the period of your new relationship? What stands out? How long did you know each other before you got married? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? What types of things did you do together?
  3. Talk about how you decided to get married. Who proposed and in what manner? Was it a difficult decision? Were you in love? Talk about this time.
  4. How well do you remember your wedding? Talk to each other about your memories. Did you have a honeymoon? What was your favorite part of the wedding or honeymoon?
  5. Do you remember your first year of marriage? Were there any adjustments you needed to make as a couple?
  6. What about the transition to parenthood? What was this period of your marriage like for the two of you?
  7. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the happiest period in your relationship? When was a good time for you as a couple? Has this changed over the years?
  8. Many relationships go through periods of ups and downs. Would you say this is true of your relationship? Can you describe some of these low and high points?
  9. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as really hard times in your relationship? How did you get through these rough periods? Why do you think you stayed together?
  10. Have you stopped doing things together that once gave you pleasure? Explore this idea together and discuss why you stopped.

 

Okay, now that you remember what you love about each other let’s try talking about guitar lessons again:

 

Husband: I’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar.

 

Wife: That sounds fun. I love how you always want to try new things. Maybe you can serenade me after a few lessons.

 

Ahhhh, now that sounds like a conversation built out of admiration!

 

If you can change your responses from ones of contempt to ones of respect and admiration, I guarantee that your relationship will bloom.

 

CONCLUSION

 

So there you have it, the four behaviors that you really want to try and avoid in your relationship because they are highly predictive of divorce or breakup are Stonewalling, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt.

 

For each of these areas, I’ve explained the essentials: what they are, what they look like in relationships, how to avoid them, and what you can do instead. Of course, we aren’t perfect and glimpses of these unwanted behaviors are bound to show up from time to time and that’s okay. The point is to try and avoid falling back on these behaviors as your normal way of being.

 

If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this article, chances are you really care about improving your relationship. That’s a great sign! Remember, relationships are full of ups and downs and they take a lot of work to help them run smoothly. The good news is that the work that you do is never wasted. Even the most difficult relationships are teaching us valuable lessons about our who we really are.

 

If you recognized yourself or your partner in this article and would like to talk more about how I can help you improve your relationship with online couples therapy, book a free 30-minute consultation. I’m here to help!